In between times

 I find my quiet and in-between times are when I get angry again. Start rehearsing arguments in my head, start wondering why I am so triggered, what right I have to hold so tight to this one painful thing, and not let the hundreds of other examples that complicate it take prominence. Why do I fantasize about having a no contact boundary, to safe guard myself and to send a message… 

But when I listen to the hurt. I wonder why I have done so many things… not just for my dad, but for everyone. I love my job, but why do I do it? Why haven’t I run away again. Two separate break up, a pandemic, multiple fascist governments… why didn’t I run?  

Why am I committed to a country that is on the brink, their plans are well underway. And it’s more horrific than you can imagine… but possible. 

Why not live somewhere else? With healthcare? Or at least sunshine? 

I think of my mom, I think of my brother and step sister and their children, I think of my friends… but what are we doing anything for?

The sadness turns to despair so easily, that’s part of why I stay locked in the anger. What does it mean to have family members who are loving to your face, but undermine your life, vote and support people who work against them and you, and they are too …. They don’t even recognize it?

Is it stupidity? Is it their selfishness? Their fear? Their desire to be in group? Is it survival? 

I can hold space for clients who vote or believe that way… but my own family? 

Why should I have to deal with that?   That’s not love. Oh you voted for the person who cut funding to my job… I guess, it was an indirect attack? Oh, you voted for the person who sent masked goons to kill and disappear my neighbors, I guess it was indirect… oh you didn’t vote for him, but you won’t speak up, even though you know I’m spending my time and energy and money, making up the difference to the best of my abilities, but poor you, you’re afraid of protestors when other people are afraid their loved ones won’t be home at the end of the day. 

Cool cool cool. 

Just a wash then.  All equal. Both sides… 

A friend sent me a meme that basically said if you are sacrificing yourself to keep the peace that’s not love that’s a hostage situation… 

I dunno. I dunno what I am doing. I just know that even if I’m a hypocrite, I’m trying to be better… and I want those around me to be doing the same. 

But maybe my expectations of humanity are too high. We’ve done it before, we’re not special… end of an empire. In a lot of ways, the nazis basically learned it from us (and they acknowledged that)… maybe if the Japanese hadn’t attacked we would have been here sooner.