Identity, individuality, community

 Sunday. 

James' B day. 

I don't think we are celebrating. I am pretty sure my mom and grant leave to South America. I just checked the notes... I guess their flight leaves in about 15 minutes. Back at the end of Feb. 

I have been sick this weekend. Trying to make space for rest, and drugging myself to sleep. It's a minor cold, no real aches or fever. Just sneezing, and nose and headache, and feeling a little less than par. 

It has made it harder to do things. Like I had a sink full of dishes and the floors needed to be swept. I was able to do that stuff this morning and suddenly my world felt better, more opportunity. I don't quite feel up to cleaning my whole apartment, but the idea of it sounded nice. A fresh clean start. A spring?

In addition to ICE making the cities unbearable, its also felt like winter, and this is the first week in several weeks than you can leave shelter without immediate pain on your skin or in your lungs. 

So I guess a thawing of sorts. 

Despite feeling sick, I worked on Friday. Not my best. I also attended a meeting in my building that someone else had organized. About 20 people showed up, and I realized how isolated I have felt in my building. That despite some folks finding community here, almost everyone on the 4th floor didn't know one another. We awkwardly said hi, and tried to communicate via signal apps. I got started on it, and felt stupid and old. The whole meeting I wondered if I should be contributing more, while simultaneously reminding myself that A) I was sick *wearing a mask and B) that I do emotional labor and may not be able to contribute the way other folks do... but that tension of building community, versus staying isolated was there. It was odd to me. It was odd to be at what was essentially an organizing meeting, and to not have a voice or a role. It was good, but my ego was like... wtf?  I guess that is something I realized a bit this weekend, that my ego as a leader, or as a person with authority is quite big. I wonder how often I have been talking over others, or not giving space. I have felt more called to speak up and give voice in the last few weeks, but I also wonder if that isn't what is needed. Maybe I should be helping others to raise their voices, as these organizers in the building did. It was great. Now I am wrestling again, with how involved do I want to be? 

There is also a scarcity vs abundance battle happening within me. I am worried about money. Worried about time and energy. I am not sure how much to give, and whether it is effective. Not sure how much to hold back, and whether it is effective.

For example, if I am paying my bills, but not able to save money for retirement... is that ok?  Not really.  But also, if I save for retirement and try to live in a system that continually demonstrates that it doesn't care about anybody (look out for myself, but not make change), then it will only be harder for me and everybody else.   the pull of individual security, vs collective security...  

But I look forward in the week and see myself exhausted, so why sign up for another thing? Today for instance. Its about 2 pm... in a few hours there is a neighborhood meeting at a church. I was considering going just to get a little more information and insight. But I don't want to commit to anything. My phone is already being bombarded with signal texts. I should probably figure out how to mute them. I am not likely to do direct action. I am not sure where I fit into mutual aid. 

I am also isolated in my apartment, not knowing my neighbors and trying to figure out my own future. 

All weekend I have missed E. I haven't really talked to her in a couple of weeks. I am unsure if I should be reaching out more or not. I know there is an element of letting go in order to move on, and that when we spend time together -that gets tricky. I also know I want to be reaching for new opportunities. Maybe meeting people. Trying to date?  (maybe not in the immediate, but I do attend things with consideration). 

I dunno... being sick is really funny. Its an experience of recognizing that reality isn't real in an empowering way, and also feeling unreality in a potentially diminishing way. As in, nothing I do really matters, so I can do whatever I want. And also, nothing I do really matters, so it doesn't matter if I try. 

I'm kind of feeling on the line between them today. Doing the dishes and sweeping the floor felt good. But by the time I got groceries and came home, I feel kind of exhausted. 

There will be more community meetings in the future. Maybe I can just wait a week. 

Maybe I don't need to be a leader in the organizing against the fascists, maybe I'll just  be a body in the crowd.  

Maybe my work will change again.  Therapy is very isolating. Maybe, I will decide to start something new. 

I dont really know about this building. I am glad to have the space, but I feel like I am losing money by staying here. I guess what I am saying is that I have a desire to be part of something more than me, but also a fear of exhausting myself... and I haven't found a balance. 

no wise words... just life again. The longer I am a therapist, the less sure I am that anything matters much. We are all just playing out our lives, figuring out roles that we slip into and out of, trying to live into values, -that life will complicate, trying to relate, but also be separate. 

I dunno... tricky. 

Im gonna go take a nap.