meh

 All day today it was kind of hard to concentrate. I only ended up having 4 sessions, but three were really heavy and had to do with grief. I felt like I was managing well until the afternoon. 

I decided at some point in the day that I needed an additional therapy appointment for me, but then when my therapist couldn't fit me in this week. I decided I should probably talk to a friend. But I felt like all my friends would be too biased in my favor... and it was hard to reach out. So I considered calling into Walk-in... then figured. You could just ask a friend and see how it goes. 

It went well... we chatted for an hour. I felt heard, and understood. 

She reminded me that I don't have to predict the future or think so far ahead. Its ok to be angry now, and decide what boundaries you need for now. No sweeping statements. You don't even need to say anything until you're ready. 

I keep having this stupid fear that they will want to punish me. I am not sure why. Maybe there is something about this parent child drama... I think it is time I have my own phone plan... you know. Maybe pay for my own AAA card. 

The family drama part is coming out... I am making decisions around choosing myself, rather than giving in to the manipulation or sacrificing myself for the relationship. But I don't know where that line is. 

Today I read this kind of scary substack post a therapist wrote about being super lonely. She said, I left my church community, my job, my husband...  all to pursue my own liberation etc. Choosing myself, over sacrificing myself or settling... and now I am lonely all the time, at work, after work, at home. She described going to work and holding space for others, then coming home and having no one to hold space for her...   There was so much of that that felt real.  What does it look like if you cut out family?  What does it look like if you don't show up for family events. What kind of relationship do you want with someone that you don't trust or respect?

I dunno. I feel like I don't know how to proceed still, but I'll trust my friend is right. Maybe you don't need to say or do anything... just be mad, if youre mad. Be sad if youre sad.