All day today I felt like I needed to journal. I didn't really have anything new to say, but I felt like my life was on some sort of precipice of change. The tarot readers were feeding it to me, something is gonna change, you're on a new path. I've felt stuck lately, maybe getting closer to ready to make some sort of change. But I had no real new ideas. I don't have anything that I am dead set on doing professionally or personally. I mean, it would be fun to teach or something, but I don't need to. There are plenty of opportunities, but I don't really feel called to any of them.
There is also the growing distance with E. Nothing said, no major thing... just distance. She is rebuilding her life. Lately I've been thinking about all my exes, how some of them I rarely think about. How occasionally I will think of a family member of theirs or something. I assume they are living their lives, and not thinking of me. I am grateful to have known them. I am grateful to hold love for them and to let them go (probably after the time was right, but oh well).
I assume on some level it will be the same with E, and sometimes that gives me pause. But in thinking about all the lovely people I have known, and who I am glad exist in the world... it also gives me gratitude and appreciation, and just a general feeling of peace. I am glad to know that someone I love is out in the world doing the things they are meant to do... the same can be said for me, I suppose. I am glad I am getting the opportunity to do lovely things in the world.
Yesterday it was a protest and time with a friend. Today it was church, and some time with family. It was great, until I got in a fight with my step-mom. Not the first time. If I am honest, probably not the last. I don't know why I try. I was visibly shaking and upset when I walked out. The whole drive back I was considering whether I ever need to talk to her again, whether it was my last time in that house. I just don't get the point.
She was basically both sidesing the current situation, "I was afraid of the protesters... they damaged property." "He shouldn't have had a gun." Etc... at the end of the day, she's a bootlicker who doesn't care about people (and thats not true, she does care about people, but doesn't take responsibility for how her choices harm them). Why do I want someone like that in my life? And yet, I also know how much she has cared for my father. I know that she is a very welcoming presence at family gatherings and holidays.
It's like... loyalty to herself and her family, and her fascist government first... Then everybody else?
I dunno... She doesn't care to hear it. I don't care to talk to her.
A few months ago I was trying to talk my siblings into helping pay for my dad and her to fly to Ireland because she says she has always wanted to go. I know my dad talks about traveling, but he would never do it without her... and she wants Ireland, so I figured send them on their way.
A week or two ago I was thinking about where they will want to live towards the end of their lives... and worrying about it.
Now I am thinking... is there anything of mine of value in that house that I will ever want? No.
I'm wondering if I should be writing to my siblings to let them know. I am wondering if I should still plan to talk with my dad... he also supports this bullshit to some extent too.
I am wondering what kind of boundaries I want to have with someone who justifies nazis... I guess that's what I am trying to figure out... She isn't curious, she doesn't care... she doesn't look at her own track record of being wrong and try to figure out if maybe her sources are wrong. She hasn't seemed to care that it impacts her family, or her relationships with others... I spent years fighting with them about the Iraq war, a decade later my dad casually shares that he realized it wasn't a good idea. It's like... well I told you that before the war started... maybe you should have believed me and been out protesting.
So why should I try to keep the peace? Why should I smooth things over...
She once stated that if my dad died, she wasn't sure if any of us would choose to have a relationship with her... who made the choice?
Over the years, I've fought with this woman more than any other person. I honed my skills of arguing, I've used all sorts of ways to persuade. She always has excuses for her bullshit. So why try.
I'm still riled up... but I am also really not -in a different way. I am so solid in my beliefs, values, understanding, experience that I am kind of like... oh she's an idiot who doesn't care about people. I wouldn't choose to associate with that in other contexts... that's on her.
Part of me is like... how long can I hold the boundary? Do I continue to see my dad... do we wait till the end of the administration? Is it life long?
If she reached out and apologized, but still didn't get it... would I forgive and forget?
Like if she said "I am sorry I hurt you, and caused a rupture in our relationship..." but nothing about being wrong...
But who knows... maybe it's just stuck in my body. I feel worse for my step-sister. I already feel guilty about that... but in this case gross. Next week is a birthday party for my youngest nephew. He's delightful, but I don't want to associate with my step-mom anymore. If that means distancing from my family, is it worth it?
I've always wondered how my family members could go no contact with one another... my brother and dad spent long periods of time not talking. My cousin & aunt and my brother didn't speak to one another for years. My dad's brothers have fought and not talked... my uncle and my grandpa didn't speak for like 17 years of something. It always felt stupid to me... it felt like these are people who love one another and their egos are too big.
Is it my ego that says its wrong for her to justify or at minimum dismiss the murder of a man outside a donut shop? I guess I am weighing out what my values and the way I want to see the world are, versus a relationship that isn't all that meaningful and carries a lot of baggage... and she comes up short. How many times have I had to forgive and forget, meanwhile, has she learned? Has she taken responsibility? She voted for this, supports this... if someone votes or undermines your rights do they care about you?
I know I have been avoiding this topic with her. In my walks around the lake with my dad, sometimes we skate the edges of these things. I argue with my dad... but he also listens, backs down. My step mom digs in... plays the victim, doesn't acknowledge that her beliefs have consequences.
I've been making peace with her since I was 6 or 7... trying to make sure that I can keep my dad in my life. But maybe, that's not the point. Maybe he does what he does, and I choose what I care about.
I've had clients and friends who have similar issues going on... and as therapist I always hold space for the fact that they love this person and may want reconciliation, actually will crave that despite their anger in the moment. But its hard with my stepmom... I don't trust her. I don't believe in her. I have to fight to respect aspects of her, because I don't like how she operates in the world. I see the worst qualities of my Dad in her... his selfishness, his hiding, his stubbornness, his lack of accountability.
He just asked to "process that convo..." He's playing peace maker. (It sucks that that is a role he can slip into... and that I can too). But even his way of stating it was like, a demand not a question. "Hey son, that felt really horrible... I hope we can talk soon and work through it?"
But what is there to say... I want to reply: "It's the same argument we've been having for years, what's the point?" At what point do you just acknowledge that someone doesn't see the same world you live in, and that makes you incompatible. Things in our country have gotten worse because of their shit choices, over and over again. This is a woman who votes against her own interests and runs to that fucking neighborhood app to have her beliefs reinforced by other idiots.
Is there a space for living within the same space if you don't share the same reality, and one person's actions impact the other's life? If she sees a man who is faced down get shot ten times by militarized federal agents and doesn't think that's murder and excessive force... than what the fuck?
A tarot video I just watched blatantly named this exact situation... and she ended with, you're all up in your head right now, and the baggage in your heart is keeping you from recognizing there is more to this. It's an old pattern that is coming up, and you're self righteous... but you won't always be that way... Trust that there may be a different outcome than the one you're thinking...
I dunno.
The point of this post though, was not supposed to be about boundaries and shutting down, and feeling stuck. It was supposed to be about the fact that my feelings are limiting my vision for what is possible.
When I keep thinking back on all these relationships I've had, I am grateful... appreciative of all the experiences, and in that... there is proof that there will be more to come and that I can appreciate that too. I never imagined all the love or awe, or humor or connection, or any of that that I have experienced... even in my wildest fantasies... they are somewhat shallow/ monotone /simple in contrast to the complexities of the real life I've lived. I have mundane/routinized life too... but there is sooooo much possibility. I should choose abundance.
Maybe letting go of things that don't serve me will help with that. Taking responsibility for people who won't take responsibility of their own stuff... not helpful
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