Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

 

I told myself I’d journal… since I am not doing the things I should be doing. Getting back to P, reaching out to medicare, emailing the prospective client back. It’s a Wednesday. It is sunny but cold. I have basically had the afternoon off, though I have a client in 30 minutes.

I did some Spanish, and caught up on paperwork, and watched a lot of crap on youtube/Instagram.

The verge of spring has me feeling optimistic about the future, there is something in the air lately, feels like people are being challenged and coming through. Feels like we are rising to the occasion despite the world feeling full to the brim with horror.

I find myself hoping for some big change that sets my path in a new direction… or furthers whatever my ambitions are. I am not sure what it is I am looking for, I am not certain that I am making the space to find out.

I feel like if I slowed down enough to name what makes me feel like I am acting from self, from integrity, from my soul path, then I’d feel like I was letting myself down -at least half the time… like I would create expectations and feel like I wasn’t meeting them. Right now, it feels like I am meeting the unstated ones at least part of the time. Finding joy and amusement, finding creativity, finding flow in my work at least. The time after work feels slow and draining and unproductive, and disconnected. I want to go to bed by 8pm but find myself staying up late on my phone. I listen to the news and feel like I know what is going on, but also feel disconnected and avoidant of getting involved.

I look towards the immediate future and see things I need to do, and know that I will get them done. I can check off a list. But add a few months… what do you want to be different in the next year? The next 5 years? The next 10? 

I asked my little brother that yesterday as he turned 40. My little brother is 40. Remember when he was 17? Remember when he was 7?

I am not sure how I want to go about maintaining, improving, returning to family boundaries. Last night I had a dream in which I was at a family gathering. I caught myself wondering when I had let the boundary slip and why it didn’t seem to make any difference. Like maybe I had already made my true self to be know… or maybe I’d returned to being a kid.

I have a lot going on next week. Taxes, therapy, time with friends and family, work.

My brother  and I briefly alluded to the feeling of … what have I accomplished? (optimistically, half way through our lives?) via texts. 

I was thinking its easy to look at the downside, to discount your accomplishments, EG my apartment isn’t something I am boasting about… my business is just a thing…  but I am also reminded that in the last week or two I’ve had half a dozen friends reach out just to say hi. That has to mean something right?

There is community and belonging, even if it feels at arms length. I don’t know how to bring it in for a hug. I am not sure what I am supposed to do next to make that hug feel right.

I keep waiting for someone to pop into my life to fix me… even though I know that’s not a thing. But it would be nice to share the load -I guess. To not make every decision by myself.

So I guess I am saying, I feel loved, and optimistic… and more than in the past I love myself and I am proud of who I choose to be… but also still wondering, still looking, still not sure how to proceed.