4 am

 It’s been difficult to go back to sleep. It’s 4 am, I’m thinking about the future. I heard today that my apartment basically adds a 3% increase each year. Which means I should be looking for a new home by summer. I moved in August, and I think I have to give them a little notice… I dunno. I don’t really want to move, but I also feel like I’m paying too much both here and for my office. The difficulty with moving the office is that I have all these insurance companies and government entities all with that address. So it would be a lot to switch so soon. My lease for that place is a year and a half I think. I can’t recall. 

I was thinking about how many clients I have where I haven’t been paid by insurance in a while. Maybe I’m doing something wrong. I feel like I’ve tried to streamline everything and therefore when stuff slips through the cracks I don’t even notice. I’m sure there are clients I’m seeing weekly that I don’t get paid for. Not sure who to call or what to do about it. Maybe it would be worth while to pay someone else to handle it. 

I have taxes coming up. I have not made an appointment with the guy. I don’t have any desire to pay taxes to this government. 

I feel like I’m in a bratty mood, where I’m trying to get away with stuff because I feel justified, but that doesn’t mean it’s technically by the books. Calculated risks that could blow up in my face. I’m just sick of being beholden to systems that don’t make sense. Insurance doesn’t make sense. Our government doesn’t make sense. 

But I hate the idea of leaving my clients high and dry were I to mess up. 

I keep thinking about the fact that if I died, they wouldn’t know. I need a system for that. 

I’m going to the doctor tomorrow. I scheduled it as a physical, and I’m worried I wont get assessed properly. I mean, I want to know if I’m on my way to being diabetic, if my heart and lungs are ok, what to do about the swelling in my feet, the 20 years of acid reflux. 

But I scheduled with a doctor who had availability, not someone I’ve seen before and who knows…

Money, taxes, health, responsibilities, frustration with the state of the world… and weird ass dreams that make me distrusting… great. 

I have therapy on Thursday. 

I guess I’m just complaining because even though my life is fine, some days it feels like I hit a new plateau only to feel like what’s the point?

A friend asked me to go out and meet people tonight. I had zero desire. Another friend asked me yesterday if I get lonely and hopeless sometimes, yup. 

It’s 4:13… I want to trust that things will be ok… but the news is soooo depressing. It makes me want to run away to the woods or something. Where is the safe place to get away?  Maybe Argentina. 

I know I have skills that translate, but maintaining the credentials and certifications and insurance and all that… the professional standards. Seems stupidly exhausting. 

Maybe I should be a life coach. Or just join one of these programs that shuttles clients your way. Or go back to a job instead of having my own thing. Someone else to manage the money side.