Yesterday my friend asked whether she should move in with E somewhere. It would probably benefit both of them, but it made me sad almost instantly. I didn’t really even have time to think of the logical reasons, i was just sad. It would probably be good. But in my head when i think of it I see awkward times when i want to see one and not the other, or awkward times when I can’t avoid E if she meets someone new, or I dunno. It just melts into a funky mix im not sure I can handle. Further, this friend was lived with another mutual friend and it didn’t turn out good for them, and i ended up sometimes feeling in the middle. So maybe i should just put my foot down and say, I don’t think that’s a good idea. At the same time, life is very expensive and I’m not sure what either of them are going to do… and they are both people I love and want the best for… so if it happens, shouldn’t I be happy?
Life is very expensive. I’m going to get my taxes done tomorrow and I’m not exactly sure if I have everything I need… but tonight I was totaling up all the business expenses, and the total money I’ve made, and the complicated math im seeing from multiple sources… and I’m realizing that I am living far beyond my means right now. I mean… I have so little wiggle room from how much I am actually making. I spent around 16k last year for the business and only took in between 20-30k. No wonder I don’t feel like I am getting ahead. I have only saved between 1/3 to 1/4 for taxes…
For this year I estimate I will spend about the same amount on the business, and my living expenses are like 40k and with taxes I’ll need to keep about 15-20 thousand at least. And I just won’t have anything for savings.
I woke up thinking about E. Thinking for some reason about our first date. How we had planned to read brene brown and how she had shown up unprepared and how it was awkward but really nice. And it wasn’t supposed to be a date, it was a book club, but turned into one. I think about how she showed up without reading… and I didn’t hold it against her. And how that is a pretty real metaphor for our relationship. Later while we were together, we finished the book with me reading to her. This morning I wasn’t mad or sad about it, I found it interesting. I wondered what a relationship would look like if we had both done the work before showing up.
Tonight after stressing about taxes and not being able to find my checkbook, and running around like a chicken with its head cut off… I picked up some items from the book shelf in my room. Things E had gotten me for a birthday present years ago now. I decided one of them was broken and needed to be thrown away. I decided the other one should be returned to her, maybe he niece can use it. There is a process of letting go, I guess.
I haven’t really talked to her in a weeks. It’s still hard. I’m sad.
Today at work, I saw a neighbor(I haven’t decided what to call them, they aren’t coworkers… but I work next door to them) having lunch with someone. I thought the woman was really pretty. I found myself wanting to pass in front of them, and feeling stupid. There wasn’t any particularly feature, just inviting looking. It makes me think that I’ve really been craving a crush.
I miss having a crush. I miss having a reason to want to get through the day or week. Everything is better with a crush, even if your heart or stomach get broken, it’s grounding into something exciting.
Tomorrow I get my taxes done, probably it’s a learning experience. Then maybe pizza? Thursday I have therapy, Friday an old friend, Sat another friend, maybe my dad? I should stop avoiding him. I just don’t know how to claim my life right now. It’s fine. But it isn’t exciting, or driving toward something. I need something in the distance to steer towards.
Gonna start the second foundation book now.
Wish me luck tomorrow, hopefully I don’t owe 8 million dollars.
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