3/19/26
I know that it’s a combo of not sleeping well, and probably
not eating enough, and then therapy too, but its felt heavy all day because of therapy.
This morning, I processed some stuff regarding a friend’s
death, and the parallels with my dad, and past exes, and blah blah blah.
I cried a lot. I was basically crying on the way in, but
also mad at myself.
I don’t feel like it got out of my body, but I certainly
shared more than I’ve shared in a long time. Shared about the experience
without holding back. Shared about feelings I have that I don’t like to
address. Shared about still feeling some of them, all these years later. I felt
witnessed… and that was incredibly helpful.
One of the surprising parallels was a feeling of disgust and
aversion.
My therapist said we probably need to return to that one,
and the yucky feelings kept coming to my throat and my stomach. I felt nauseous
when I left… I honestly kind of worried I’d throw up. At my car, I did some very
intentional deep breathing of the fresh air. It was better. But this whole
notion that I might have to explore these feelings -not just anger, and sadness
and hurt, but disgust? Shame? Aversion? Yuck.
I didn’t make that connection in the session… that disgust
and shame are related… I made that connection after. That maybe I don’t let
myself feel disgust at people (yes to behaviors or foods, or whatever) because
I don’t want people to be disgusted with me, that’s a source of my shame after
all. I don’t want people to feel less than… though I know that they do. Maybe
people have told me I am judgy after all.
What does it mean to go back and let the judgment sink in,
to be disgusted by people’s behavior enough that you acknowledge -I am sick of
you! But then also know that it wont stay that way. Know that it will be
temporary.
Why am I avoiding my Dad?
Because I don’t want the mixed feelings and the disgust.
Why did I avoid ------? Because I didn’t want the mixed
feelings and the disgust.
Why ------? Same… why --------Same… why… why do I
let go of people… because I start to feel resentment, but also disgust… I don’t
like the way this feels. I don’t like what it brings up in me
(judgment/resentment/ego) I can’t handle the overwhelm of all these feelings…
it makes me sick to my stomach, I have to run to the bathroom or get out of the
room. I can’t.
So maybe there is a part of me today wrestling with this
mask I’ve been wearing. That actually I do feel these feelings quite a bit, and
put them on hold, and push them away, and don’t acknowledge them… until I am
overwhelmed. Maybe I was disgusted with E when she pushed me away. Maybe I
was disgusted with her for lying to me, or manipulating, or playing victim, or
getting stuck. Maybe it was disgust that she would be so helpless. Maybe I was
disgusted with her drug use and alcohol use. Maybe I was turned off… by that.
With K it became like that… I saw the impacts and it
felt like there wasn’t a person in front of me, just a lump that can’t think or
feel or name anything. A stubborn child who can’t help themselves, and is
clingy, and needy, and making it my fault. B when she couldn’t eat, or
would pick apart her skin. A when she was cutting, and doing the very
opposite of what she should, J when she was depressed and couldn’t make
decisions. Obviously it was the same with M, but I gave myself permission
to be angry eventually... but was it was disgust that made me feel so out of
control?
So what does that mean?
If I can love someone and feel disgusted by them… I rejected myself for
soooooo long. I thought I was moving
into this area of life where I could understand, and be at peace with everyone
and their stuff. But it turns out I was just trying to avoid a stomach ache. A
heart ache. Another headache.
I made decisions I don’t feel good about when I was
operating out of disgust, not just resentment. It made me feel better than,
like I could cut someone loose… and it would be their own damn fault instead of
mine… and I would feel relief, and shame and guilt… but at least I wouldn’t be
actively harmed.
Its funny how if I look at which words I get triggered by
the most, disgust would be up there. G being disgusted with A… A client
being disgusted with his sister. I balk at the word. Disgust for stuff, disgust
for systems, disgust for germs… but people? That would be dehumanizing. And I
guess it is. I guess that is exactly why I have tried to push it away, to
downplay it… I am disgusted means I can’t be in your presence…and so I remove
myself. It means I have to wash my hands (of your demolition)… its odd that
phrasing comes to me right now when I am mostly talking about people who in
some way were actively harming themselves.
With all these people... each of these moments was a feeling of “you
aren’t taking care of the person I want to love, and I can’t do it for you… so
fuck you for twisting me into a pretzel.”
Brene Brown writes about disgust that it protects us from the
contamination of the soul…
But disgust is what leads to dehumanization. Dehumanization
can lead to hurting one another… dehumanization is the precursor to war, to
ethnic cleansing, to genocide. Disgust is the root to violence without remorse…
right? It became taboo for me, and I
didn’t realize it… and now, to acknowledge yuck… I am full of it.
Again it makes me sick to my stomach.
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