Blizzard weekend

 

This weekend I mostly stayed in. I feel like I got a lot done, and also nothing. 

I didn’t really see anyone. I had at least two social engagements that I cancelled, and church was cancelled too. Today I woke up and watched snl, and got groceries, and finished a book (that’s two finished books this weekend- Andrea Gibson and the prelude to foundation). 

I did some Spanish. I started to prep most of the tax stuff and feel like I’m still not prepared. I sorted through some things and realized I have a lot more to sort through. 

At one point I found some notes E had written me when she was moving out. I’m they brought up that familiar heat of grief and sadness and anger. I decided I didn’t need them anymore. 

I think I have a lot of paperwork to sort through. A lot to clean house on… I feel like if I just took a week and sorted everything I’d feel more prepared for life and maybe for my next move. Things would be simpler. I think this whole tax thing will help with that. I think I should role my retirement accounts into just one or maybe two. I think I should find the piece of paper with the blockchain stuff on it, see if I have any money. 

I think I should throw away a lot of random things that I’ve been holding onto for sentimental value, or maybe just to prove I existed. That’s maybe something new I’ve figured out as I have gotten older. I care less about proving that I was here. I have no children to go through old journals and try to figure out who I was, Ive been a teacher and a therapist, two jobs that are about the other and less about yourself. I have so many little trinkets and things I’ve bought or been given, half of which I don’t recall the true context of. My memories are fading, and I don’t really care all that much. I was thinking today- when I couldn’t recall a word, that when older folks have that happen they seem to get nervous… and maybe I just don’t care that much?

Maybe that’s what happens when you spend so much time alone, you become more content with your youness, and less interested in proving yourself from moment to moment. I think E taught me a lot about not having to hustle for your worth. 

There are things I want to simplify so that if I died it would be easier to comb through it. To say these are the important financial things, these are the people to call, etc. but as a human life… meh.

Numerous times this weekend someone orders dominos and I just wanted pizza all weekend, but i ate a lot of veggies today instead. I didn’t really exercises I’ve been slipping on that. I wonder when I will satisfy this pizza craving. Maybe Wednesday after taxes… it will be like my treat to myself. 

I did some basic math and realized I’ve been making around 6k a month and spending at least 3.5 on just the monthly bills, so it makes sense that I feel broke. I’ve been saving on average 1k for taxes… but I probably need to start saving more than that. 

I keep wanting to take a vacation, but it just doesn’t make sense if I’m barely getting by. 

I know that it’s because my office and apartment are too expensive. I could probably save at least 300 a month for each, if I was willing to put in the work to move again. I feel like this year I will move one of them… it should be my home. But it’s just such a hassle. 

Yesterday I got kind of depressed, slept a lot. Today has been better, but I’m still tired. It’s gonna be a busy Monday, Wednesday is basically a half day with the tax guy in the afternoon. Friday is also a half day and I’m hanging with an old friend. 

Thursday therapy in person for brainspotting. I’m already not wanting to go. 

I’ve barely talked to E in like the last 5-6 weeks? I feel like either she is super invested in work, or she is sick again, or has moved on and is dating someone. I hope it’s the first and the last. 

We broke up October of 2024… that was a long time ago. I need to move on. One of the tarot card readers on YouTube said to stop comparing yourself to others, eg don’t compare timelines for business or relationships etc. he kept saying, you know more than you think, you’ve learned a lot, you have experience and when the time is right you might rocket past them. When it’s time you’ll know it. Another said to practice surrender this week. 

I feel like I need someone to anchor me back into my own life. That’s what it feels like. I miss E tonight. Maybe that’s what a weekend alone gets me. Anyway…