Saturday

 On Thursday my therapist and I concluded that I was am having an aversion to seeing my Dad because it felt yucky still. Not just anger, but some level of disgust. I wrestled with that for a few days, and wanting not to live into it, went for a walk with my Dad this morning. It was mostly good. We talked about business, about family, about politics and economics… toward the end, he asked. “And how are you doing with the fight we had.” 

I got quiet, measured my words, checked in with myself and said “I’m still angry.” He started saying something about how he had hoped we could work towards a solution. I said yeah, me too but I’m still angry and I’m not sure what that is yet. He asked for more clarification where is the anger coming from.  At some point, early in the conversation he said something along the lines of, I know you’re a resilient person and have gotten through a lot, so I assume you can get through this too. As he was saying it I was internally shaking my head, this is the manipulation, this is where he asks me to get over it, and come back into the fold. 

I told him my anger for him and ny anger towards my step mom are different. He said he didn’t see how their recent stuff (this fight) was that different, and I said, with you I know your stuff, I see it in myself, but these values even when I’m frustrated with them aren’t the deal breaker… I see the manipulation, I use that kind of manipulation… I know where it’s coming from. 

With my stepmom, I can’t. I don’t fundamentally trust or respect the stuff underneath. I didn’t necessarily say it that way, but I implied that I couldn’t trust or reconcile with that aspect. He tried to defend her, he said something along the lines of… well your anger- she felt attacked. I said, see that’s what I mean, she is the victim. She makes herself the victim every time,  even when she isn’t. He defended her again. Implying that I was overstating the situation. A different experience and perspective not “the victim.” I said she made herself the victim in the argument, saying that her fear was equal to the fears of people who are literally fighting for their lives, he tried to clarify, she was saying she was anxious that she might get in a fight with someone and was intimidated…. I said see that’s what I mean. Other people are fighting for their lives, fighting for their neighbors and she is making it about her anxiety. She is anxious, we’re all anxious… who is responsible? Who is to blame the for that? She implied the protesters were just as responsible…

I said, you’re literally making my point again. This is why I can’t be around her right now. 

He said she wasn’t saying the other side was right… (though she was during the original argument), I said she basically told me that if there was a war, we were on different sides. I don’t want to engage with someone like that. 

We were talking about whether there is room to have family time, to celebrate birthdays. I said, I don’t believe I can keep from being angry, I don’t want to show up and feel mixed feelings like I’m lying. He said that a birthday party is a place to put those feelings aside. I said people I care about are still being impacted everyday, I can’t just set it aside and pretend. 

It was the exact thing I worried about. It was my dad ignoring all the things I’d said three weeks ago, and saying… well once you’re done being angry come hang out again, implying that no change on their part needed to occur to make things right. It was my dad playing peacemaker and manipulator, and expecting me to do the same, when his wife never has…and it made me angry again. 

I literally told him this is what happens everytime I get in a fight with her, you come over and say… well she didn’t mean it, and she’s hurting… can’t you just overcome your own shit for the sake of the family? I spent an hour three weeks ago telling him examples of that from age 5 or 6 on… and that I didn’t want to do that anymore. But he did it again. This is why I am averse… 

I told him what would happen, told him I wasn’t willing to, and he asked me to anyway. Same story. I said no.