Angry dreams

 I just woke up livid, can feel the anger surging through me still. Almost intentionally waking from a dream in which I was so pissed I couldn’t stay in it. 

In the dream, I was at some sort of spa thing with my dad’s side of the family and a friend of mine I’d been hanging out with came too. For some reason I had skateboarded there, but also taken my car, I dunno dreams are weird. 

It was mostly good, I was having a heart to heart with my friend… though I felt somewhat on the spot. I was determined to stay open-hearted, vulnerable. 

Then we were all in the hot tub. For some reason I was holding the baby (my step-sisters most recent who is not really a baby anymore, but still too young for a hot tub).  Everyone was having a good time, and then my dad made a joke to me - that felt snarky. I wasn’t sure what he meant entirely, but the tone was underhanded. It was something like:

“Hey yeah Mike, and every few years will conveniently white wash history with the blood of patriots, right?” 

And initially I just said “yeah” as in, I hear that this is a mixed message, that somehow you’re trying to honor the sacrifice and martyrdom, while also insinuating that it’s convenient somehow, that it’s a social compact and that he was asking me to agree… to make that compact again and just say it’s ok. 

I got more angry as I sat there, and eventually got up. I handed the baby to my sister and said I have to go. I stormed out of the spa in my swim suit, but basically without clothes. 

I was skateboarding up the street angrily (which is hard to do because you still have to balance), then realized I’d left my friend with my family in an awkward situation.

So I tried to go back, there was construction and suddenly it was more tricky to go back. 

When I got to the parking lot, they were all walking out, and my friend looked fine… so I just turned around and skated towards my car (again, not sure). 

I got “home” and was trying to distract myself on the internet… fuming still. Thinking about how my dad’s anger is what caused the fight, not mine, but wrestling with this reactivity I have… is this ptsd? 

It wasn’t initially any home i'd lived in, but eventually it became the Shelard park apartment, and I decided I’d lock myself in the bedroom. I got in there and there were three bunk beds stripped of sheets. I went to the only other furniture, a large dresser, looking for just a shirt at first - I felt vulnerable being half naked after all. But in the top drawer there were pillows, all variety (like also for couches). I grabbed a few and looked for pillow cases, realizing I had to put some of the pillows back because they didn’t have corresponding pillow cases. Eventually I got two the right fit. 

My dad entered the room. I was still fuming. Irritated more by not being able to find the thing I was looking for. He stood by the bed, and put the pillows on the top bunk.

I grabbed them and threw them on the bottom where I’d been wanting to lay down. He grabbed them again, and put them on the top, saying “are you yourself again?” Or something like that, and I said “yes.” But almost immediately I knew that wasn’t entirely true. I knew that I needed to say I was myself, but that just moments before I’d been questioning why I was soooooo reactive and wanting my dad to be compassionate and empathetic towards my trauma, but in the moment. No. You don’t get to put this on me. 

He indicated with a gesture that he was putting my pillows on the top bunk because he wanted to speak face to face -man to man kind of thing. Then he started saying 

“Your resentment…” and I stopped him “my resentment!!?”  

Rage started pushing through me, he stood between me and the door, and he wanted to blame things on me. The dream didn’t go any further - I woke up funneling all this angry energy…

I think if the dream had gone further, the argument would have been that his anger and resentment was what caused the fight, not mine, and I would have asked him to take responsibility for it. But I still wasn’t even sure what he meant in the hot tub, other than that it had that feeling of wanting me to join a pact in which I was downplaying how I actually felt/thought, in order to appease him. 

My dad doesn’t usually talk like that… sometimes when he is snarky… but it felt more like E’s dad( every time I saw him, or my step dad this last week). 

The feel of “I know better and I’m making you comply before you can think up an excuse to say no.” Once you say yes, you’ll spend your time convincing yourself it’s not that bad, rather than putting up boundaries… foot in the door method. 

I saw some video yesterday about “men who try to do their own work, but end up being manipulated easily because they are willing to question their own behavior, so they easily get lost holding space and caretaking others lack of responsibility.” Seems like that fits. 

Makes me wonder if this anger at my dad and step dad is actually anger at not just them, but all the people in my life that I let take advantage of me…? 

I’m less angry now. I have a cup of coffee in me… but this is the second or third time I’ve woken up from one of these angry dreams. I’m not sure what to do about it. My dad will be very busy this summer mowing lawns. 

If I wrap up my anger baby and treat him gently,… I hear you… you don’t want to do other people’s work for them… you don’t want to collude in systems that don’t feel good, you don’t want to play into their narrative at the expense of your own, you don’t want to be vulnerable and trapped by love that doesn’t feel loving. 

I also woke up with “a war with time” specifically the part where she sings “but I want you to go.” 

Which is odd because I haven’t listened to it much lately. Dreams are funny like that. The part that bothers me is that I have been thinking about time… and how little is left. I missed my dad’s 70th birthday and just celebrated my moms. What if… you know. 

What to make of this time... how to pursue your own path, and also celebrate and hold  onto the relationships that are important to you.

E moved yesterday, and I am pretty sure she didn't ask for any help because her new bf was with her. Moving forward.  What is my next chapter or verse?  I am gonna go to a coffee shop today to write my book. Probably get a hair cut this weekend. See another friend. Maybe go for a walk. Maybe go to church tomorrow. Not much is calling... but I want to dedicate some time to writing, make progress even if it is a little.