Mothers day

I struggled to respond to my alarms this morning, or rather made the choice to go back to bed. Dreams, odd and heavy, strange as they were kept calling to me. At least amongst the dreams, there was love and passion, reaching, and pushing... I know I was scared, felt on the hook, felt caught up... but I was in the middle of people, I was in relationship.

I woke up and decided I didn't want to be amongst strangers at church, but also on the odd chance that I'd see someone I knew, didn't want to play a role, rather than feeling truly caught up in the middle.

I got up in time to watch the livestream, and have been distracted the whole time. Eating breakfast, checking social media, caught off guard by random thoughts and feelings. 

It's been a quiet weekend, primarily spent alone. Saw a friend last night, but otherwise spent solo. Sleeping-in always makes me a little more braindead, and yesterday I slept in till 11 (for the same reasons). I had nothing to do, nothing to step into, nothing that called. 

Not feeling bad for myself entirely, just aware, so much silence makes it hard to ignore. At 5 pm, I went for a walk, knowing my friend would arrive around 6. It was really windy out, as I walked around in a very quiet part of St. Paul, I wondered about my own next steps, I sang songs, prayed, I talked out loud... all the things I do while traveling, exploring, figuring out who I am. What would make life feel more fulfilling?  How beautiful that tree is. What changes do I need to make? Oh, that is where that business is... How many places have I seen and how many I will still see...  There are elements of my life that feel good, that sustain me, but there are also things or people missing. My apartment is fine, but not fulfilling. My work is fine, but not fulfilling. My Church is fine, but not fulfilling. My relationships with family and friends are fine, but not fulfilling. 

It's easy to fall into a question, why me?  Why is that I have had these relationships that feel so strong in the moment, but sizzle out, or burn up... am I doing something wrong?  Why have I not been able to find what others do... companionship, partnership, etc. 

I am sitting and listening to church, and part of me misses E. Wonders how she is, what she is up to, if she is spending time with her family, with friends, alone?  Do these people I have loved wonder the same about me? 

It is Mothers day, and there is a bit of sadness, of grief, of relief, of longing still.  I read a postsecret this morning that was about a child who was looking online at their bio parent's social media because their parent did not know they existed and I was almost envious of that parent. -As in, someone wants to know you. As in, someone needs to know you. 

I don't like to make it sound definite, but I am very sad that I might miss my window to be a parent. I know there is still time, and so many ways I could *make it happen, but I've been determined to have it on my terms, and my terms are not the terms of the universe I guess.  

But then it also makes me feel sort of pathetic, because I have had many people in my life who have asked me to bring down my walls, to be vulnerable, to trust in them, and I chose not to. Kept them at a distance, lied or omitted, was silent, did not reach. 

I know there is no right way, but I also know that I have struggled to find, name and define my own. Even now with my dad and step mom, it feels important to set boundaries, but I also know I am not entirely in the right, because they are not entirely in the wrong... just different needs right now. 

I am not sure where I was going with any of this... 

Just to say, I guess, that silence allows me to notice the little cracks, the absences. 

"How far gone, my love, how long, will you be at sea,
Are you lost? If not,

come home for me."