Dissatisfied

 Up north for mom’s birthday. Feeling dissatisfied. 

It’s been a wake up call to the dysfunction of our family. 

A year ago she asked us to put it on the calendar, maybe that was too much time, maybe it was just that everyone assumed because she asked for a weekend up north, that was the gift. You know? But she gave us gas money and a year notice. So what did we do? We came up, but without much of a plan, no real gifts or birthday cake or nothing. I bought her something she asked for. Brothers wrote a nice card and said they’d get her car detailed. We wrote out 70+ notes all last minute to say thank you, or memories, or something we appreciated about her. It was a nice gesture, but it was all very last minute. So last minute that members of the family were still making/writing them while she waited on the couch wondering what we were doing. It all worked out…

But I felt like we didn’t do enough. My brothers were all able to share really specific funny memories, my mind doesn’t work that way. It’s all themes and meanings, and the general overview. I don’t recall specific little stories that well. But the pages were good. Lots of art. Lots of nice things. 

My step family was kind of the issue… step brothers unclear on what was happening and what was expected of them, and even then somewhat reluctant? Not really engaged until it became obviously they should be. 

Step dad, barely had any input. Like honestly zero. Every story this weekend had to include his thoughts or his input. Frequently he jumped in to share something going on with his work. It felt odd. And he was crabby part of the time, a lot of it because he wasn’t even sure if his kids were gonna show up. And it was unclear if it was about them, or him, or my mom… like who is causing the distress and poor communication here? 

And the. Privately I heard his complaints about how much it costs to put the kids in a hotel etc… and it felt like it was burdening him, rather than him trying to go out of his way to make my mom happy.  I dunno… I guess what I’m saying is his narcissism is worse than I remember. 

No card or gift in front of the rest of us. No cake or candles… I dunno. I guess I’m disappointed in myself. But I’m also disappointed in us collectively. 

I wished it had been a year of making it meaningful. Instead it was, all last minute “oh by the way, I love you.” Then move on to the next thing. Maybe she just wanted us around… time as a family.

I know everyone is busy all the time. Me too. I know the little ones can be a handful and I also need a break from them sometimes - I dunno… just bugs me.  

Maybe there is also just a realization of my own loneliness, no partner to share things with, no one to take care of or be taken care of. I’m not exactly great at the big romantic gestures myself. Every time I’m up here I’m reminded of past times I’m up here. We went to grand marais yesterday… same thing. Passing through Duluth, same thing. Maybe I’m disappointed, because I’m aware I’m not fully living the life I want to be living either. No one to talk to and debrief with. 

Tomorrow head back to daily life, work stress, groceries etc.  no major plans for a while

Want to write my book, selfishly I’d hoped I’d have time this weekend, but instead been spending time with family and coordinating this book thing everyone was contributing to. My brother cooked dinner the last few nights it was nice. 

I dunno. Hard to slow down and be mindful and positive I guess - when I feel like we didn’t do enough. Don’t deserve it. 

What was great: 

Putting together puzzles and talking to brother J and brother C. Getting to talk to N and N about Mexico City. Spending some time with the kiddos. Talking to mom, as usual. Walking the paths without bugs!!!. The new deck.