It is Thursday and I have about 4 clients today, so not too busy. I am trying to go to the open mic tonight, not to perform but just to be present in a space with others who are doing creative work. Maybe eventually perform. It feels weird but I need to take the last hour of my day off in order to get there (and fed) because its from 6-8, with sign up prior to 6pm. But I'd like to be around folks who are trying new things.
Each day this week I've felt a little less disappointed and jaded... but also not quite energized, motivated or creative. Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty full at work. Tuesday I had therapy and it was good to get it out... but I also started trying to reframe the situation. I've complained enough now... now what?
But it was good to have the recognition that the disappointment and feelings that I had not done enough, nor had anyone else, was reminiscent of my childhood... where is the adult who is supposed to fix this? And that it is my work to sit with and accept that its ok. My mom is ok. My family is ok. Not perfect... not amazing... but good enough.
My mom said she had a good time, and felt loved, had time with her favorite folks. That's kind of all that matters right? So my feelings of 'this isn't enough, good enough, etc.' is mine to deal with.
So yesterday I decided I should start reflecting on the prompt of "if my family is flawed but still loveable, gifted, a blessing, capable of dealing with their own stuff... then can I accept them, and also myself in the same way, not strive for perfection or something different, but deepening in appreciation, accepting, rather than depleting myself and trying to strive for something different. It's difficult... I feel torn between what could be (potential) and what is... and that might be the tension I just have to learn to love.
I am not sure what it all means yet. But I think this spring has been a major wake up of... you're not gonna get what you want from your family, you need to seek that in yourself and outside... and in the meantime, you need to accept and love people for who they are, not their potential.
I am wondering how I let go of control... of desire to have it all perfect.
One of the things that I was noticing a lot in the dynamic was how my step dad's anxiety and shame was coming out sideways into all of these yucky controlling/judgy behaviors and self centeredness. I was especially aware of it because A) I wanted the opposite during a weekend that was supposed to be celebrating my mom, but B) because I see so much of that in myself when I am struggling. I could see perfectly how my behavior around past relationships might come out in resentment, guilting, judgy, when I felt others weren't stepping up to the table the way I hoped they would. When I didn't feel appreciated for my contributions. It felt a little middle school -give me attention, or I'll be snarky. I guess we are all going through it... but I always wanted my family to come out on the other side of their own work. I need to remind myself that people are people... that we all have our wounds and challenges. Why do I feel I/we should be exceptions?
I don't know what this means for my Dad and step mom... its still hard to sit with the fact that they basically throw their hands up and say 'yeah nazis are ok as long as they dont hurt me.'
I am not sure if it is the larger picture, or the direct feeling that they hurt me by being this way. You don't believe me.
They are comfortable moving forward without resolution. Am I?
Maybe I need to drift into some Buddhism or Tao to make it through this era of life.
Not sure what else to say.
The nights have not been productive, but I have been maintaining. It's been weird to be home alone after time in community. The push pull of attachment. I don't really want to see anyone, and yet I also feel an emptiness.
I've exercised a small amount, kept up with spanish, made dinner for myself... but I have a handful of things I've been meaning to do and haven't.
This weekend I am hoping to do some writing on the book... some progress is better than no progress for years.
Probably also see a friend or two.
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