morning run

 

Its been difficult to get out of bed.

Last night I ate dinner and basically went to bed early, feeling unmotivated to do any of the things I had said I would. Near around 10, I woke up again and started writing. I was up past 1pm. 

This way of being isn't really sustainable... been doing it the last couple of days and I enjoy the writing again. But it makes me feel unprepared for work.

I had a dream. In the dream, one of my clients who I see today, was sitting on the floor in front of me. She was feeling playful, but between us was this idea that this would be our last session. I wasn't sure why. She had this idea that because I was going on vacation, I wouldn't be returning.

I woke up and wondered if I had the order backwards. That maybe she was saying it was her last session. 

I've been feeling weird since a session yesterday in which a client with trauma was giving me mixed messages. I felt like I wanted to help him explore this time period, but I couldn't get clarity... and I wasn't sure if it was intentional or not. I left feeling like I'd done it wrong... I know these are the feelings he experiences routinely. 

I saw that the guy I am wondering if E is dating continues to become facebook friends with her family. No clarity. Not feeling jealous necessarily, but aware of the feeling of being replaced?  I guess thats what I am noticing. That I have no relationship to invest in, and I am losing the relationships I'd created. 

The day is gray and kind of cold. I am struggling with motivation and mood. I haven't felt this type of moodiness in a long time. I feel down and out... 

It didn't help that I woke to an alert from google saying my password was compromised. Means more work. 

Yesterday I sat with the owner of the clinic downstairs, she introduced me and a colleague to KAP ketamine assisted psychotherapy, the procedure, the impacts, etc. I spent half the time staring at her boo collections, her buddha statues, the mala beads she wore around her neck. She was basically talking about her work and if we were in another culture, she would be talking about shamanism. I left feeling somewhat inspired and hopeful. Only somewhat about the medicine, more about the connection, the humanism, the invitation to be. 

This morning I was wondering if I should try to take her on as a mentor. Develop a relationship. Borrow a book. You know.  

She recommended MDMA for social anxiety, even though its illegal. She was funny like that. Like there were elements she was acknowledging secretly in the open. Maybe thats a path I need to go down. 

But this morning, even though I swallowed a handful of vitamins, I am reluctant to take medicine. Not from this space of want. 

More another day. I have to go to work.