Confusing use of time

This will be deeply cynical so don't read if you don't want to be depressed.



Sometimes I get into these states where I am not sure if I have anything to say. 
People tell me to write, to use my voice, to speak up about the things I have knowledge of... and I do sometimes. But ultimately, I am not sure it matters all that much. I simply trick myself into believing I have some power for a time, and then when it dissipates I am left reminded that I am nothing. I have nothing to say, I simply talk the same talk that everyone else does... its human gibberish. 

I was hanging out with Illy for an hour, I ran out of stuff to talk about. It was hot out. I am lonely. I have no drama or passions. I work. I sit around my house. If you want to talk politics or religion or history or sociology, we can chat for a while. But if you don't care about any of that. 
Whats going on in your life?   Nothing.
Illy tells me to dream more. To fantasize. To manifest. 

She talks about buying a house, or a building. I say with what money. She says the money will come. 

I am tempted to want to write something important... something thought provoking, but what do I have to say?   I want to know how we get out of this. Is it a slow and gradual fading away of the caution? Is it a massive change?  Do we use this opportunity to recreate ourselves? our society?

I've been having this depressing thought lately that I am not really needed in this new timeline, that maybe most of us aren't.  What skills do I have to bring? What interests? What worth do I have? 
-Its not dissimilar to the thoughts the teens have as they look forward and see that their worldly interests have no real value. They want to play video games for a living. Of course they do, it's all they have known. 

We live in a society where our value, our worth is based on such silly things. We take pleasure and get our ego from such stupid things, a new instagram post, a new car, a new job that we don't get to explain but spend all our time worrying about.  None of it is real. 

We walked in and out of stores, where gathering was limited and masked. How many businesses will close? How many people will lose housing and insurance? How many people will be disposable? 

I've been thinking that that is the reality people are waking up to with racism, sexism, gun violence, eco-crisis, all of it... Human lives don't matter in our society. Our wallets maybe... but they won't soon. Our rights can be trampled easily. And accountability may happen in spurts, but ultimately it won't matter all that much. 

We might turn it around on a political level and go back to moderate "sanity" but we are heading towards a future where human life doesn't really matter. There are too many of us already. We are dependent and needy. On a worldly scale we aren't adding anything except more to consume by the mob. The US has become a third world country, and we are waking up to the reality of how that feels. 
-To exist, without purpose in the scheme except as fodder. 
-To have to make our own purpose, and hold tight to it, despite the prevailing forces telling us otherwise. 

And will we?  I imagine communes and intentional communities could sprout up. Organic farms, small communal cultures, DIY stuff. That could happen again, but not likely before it goes to shit first. More like Earthseed in the parable of the sower. People will unite against the fall... but the fall will happen regardless. 

And in some ways it's about time. 
This is what we deserve for choosing this. 
Idiocracy. 

And what role am I to play?
I always thought I would be the first to get bit my the zombie, the first to die of the plague, the first in the crowd. I never wanted to survive the apocalypse, and I am not sure I want to if it comes to that. 
I have dreams and vision. I have skills, and strategies. I could be helpful in a community. and maybe some part of me hopes that I could be.
But it feels weird to recognize that maybe the time has come, and I am not.
I am not in a community. 
I am not pushing back against the tide. 
I am not leading or supporting the resistance, and neither am I steering the boat that navigates the deluge.
I am a bystander, a cog, an invisible, and if I were bitten by a zombie I would be just as indiscriminately disposable. 


In many ways we have been sold this idea in the US that we are individually important, the American dream has become a dream of stardom. And so, even when we are surrounded by loved ones who need us, we still wonder... am I destined for something bigger?  
But billions have come before and become ash without leaving a trace. Likely I will too.  
This being human... is so fascinatingly complicated... and so simple... live or die, find meaning or don't, there isn't a right or wrong here. It just is and when it isn't, you can grieve, or move on.