Mondays

I slept poorly. Have been the last few nights, probably the temperature issues.

I long for dreams.

I wanted to stay in bed all morning, but I had a dream in which I skipped work without telling anyone and then saw my coworkers later in the day.

I haven't had enough coffee and 9 am is quickly approaching. I have no desire to do any of my work today.








I've been considering the idea of microaggressions, and wondering if there is anything real to do about it, or just whether we need to acknowledge that our differences give us different perspectives and it is uncomfortable due to the power imbalance. When people talk about micro aggressions they ask others to be aware, to stop doing it. But it seems like one of those things that won't actually change, just make it harder to connect honestly because people are trying to be too aware of themselves.


Maybe I am thinking of this in relation to myself. I can immediately recall a dozen shameful incidents,  but also am aware that my not asking, not saying, leads to a different kind of dishonesty and inaction.







I am thinking a lot about myself through the enneagram lens the last week or so. What does it mean to be a 9?  capable of taking in all perspectives, easy to lose your own -self-effacing as they say. How does that impact my relationships?  Why do I get angry with people when they get mad at me for seeing other's perspectives when they cherish that gift when I do it with them? Can't you see it's the same trait?  but you can't really, you're not seeing me underneath choosing this way of relating, you're seeing someone you thought was on your side (believing it to be the whole of them), and wondering why they suddenly are betraying you.
I'm not on your side. I'm (hopefully) on the side of a better outcome for everybody.

Maybe this is why I can't be an activist or organizer. It's too hard to paint my opposition as an enemy, I just don't see it. I love the reframe of inviting them into change through action. But most activists and organizers don't hold that... its us against them. And I can't keep it. It doesn't feel natural to exclude, to divide. I can handle conflict when it is for the greater good, but the seemingly meaningless drama that divides us? What is really going on?

All I see is connection or separation. People keep challenging me on that, pointing out that there are other factors, but human misery is separation. Hell is separation. Trauma is separation even though every part of trauma demands us to avoid, the trauma wouldn't be traumatic if it didn't cause us to want to separate (either consciously or unconsciously). Whether it is because we see ourselves separate, and so feel discomfort. Or because we choose to separate -believing it to be the healthiest option and therefor avoid healing.

What does it mean to be a 9 and feel stuck?  I look for people who will challenge me to move forward, I get excited by their energy. I liked the partnership with M because she was a doer (too much so) and she could motivate me to stay engaged, stay active. And I was a calming presence for her, and could remind her to slow down and think through something, to reflect, to relate.

They say the healthiest 9's have figured out how to either provide this for themselves & stop pretending that they don't have needs/personality, OR have partners who recognize this about them.  There is a weird paradox though, over the years, the more I learn about myself and grow, the less I feel that my individual identity is necessary to share. TO be sure this is an unhealthy response in the long run, but it's also true. I want someone to KNOW me. But when I am feeling confident in myself I don't feel the need to make it about me, to share me. I want someone to pry, to challenge, to see, to go out of their way to figure me out. But I am not apt to provide the keys, I might mention there is a door there, but if they don't want to knock, I am not likely to keep mentioning it.  I think about things like my writing, my art, etc., but also my photo albums, my music, my books, my travels -Facebook or instagram... there are a lot of ways to get to know me, and some are in plain sight. Who are my friends? Why have they been around so long?  But again, you'd have to ask. I give a simplified explanation, but there is always depth, always complexity. Lions in zebras clothes as it were.

I should go to work.
I have bills to pay, and people to check up on, and all sorts of little trivial things that a better political/economic system would have simplified a long time ago, but someone is profiting off causing me anxiety, and that is our system. Separation, anxiety, powerlessness, inequitable distribution of gains and losses.

I am so excited to see what we do with this -this time around.  A green new deal? an unraveling?

Last night I prayed that if the universe was gonna take me away, let it be swift or at least give me a sign, so I don't get my hopes up. Craving peace of mind, even in suffering and turmoil... that's a 9.