Long weekend

I had therapy today, I went grocery shopping, I took out the garbage. 

Nothing much else. 

When I was younger I often found myself in situations where my anxiety or fear forced me from being part of things, like I couldn't do _____ because I was afraid of _______, rollercoasters and heights, competitive sports and pain, new restaurants and picky eating...

What does it mean when you spend a holiday weekend alone without anyone asking?

When your conversation is with your paid therapist?

It doesn't mean when you worry it means, but it doesn't feel good either. 

If I could go to a holiday celebration would I?  I don't know. This is not a holiday I celebrate, but would I want to be around people?  I don't know. Some family gathering? I don't know.

It's been hot out, and the air quality is low,  and my eyes hurt because something got in them and scratched, and my throat still hurts. 

My therapist provided the interpersonal feedback that I seemed caught up in the malaise, and that unless I decided to be more active, it would stay this way. It could be a month or a year, but something needs to happen. 

-This is like the advice I give my students, gotta get up and move, doesn't need to be successful just something, take a risk, take a step, even a mistake can be better than stuck. 

My therapist assigned it as homework. I have three weeks to take a step.  What will that look like?

What can I join? What can I add? What can I change?

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Yesterday I went to the mall and had this realization that maybe the things really are changing for the worse and for the long haul. A new reality. My supervisor made the joke that we were living in the worst simulation, the worst quantum reality, someone fucked up somewhere, its time travel.

None of this is new. Nothing all that interesting.

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I keep thinking about writing, but I don't want to do anything... don't have any mirror to reflect it back.

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I keep wondering if trying to date is worthwhile... I ask the universe for someone who is compatible. But what I want is someone who adores me as much as I adore them. Want them to want to cuddle onto me at every opportunity, not me to have to pull them.

I still miss M, still sad. 

But I am also very aware how one sided the relationship became. 

And it makes me recognize what it means when you ignore your own intuition... but I thought I was moving in and not listening to my fears and anxiety. I was trying to grow and challenge myself.

Maybe that's also why it's been so painful, the loss wasn't just the relationship but the idea that I could adapt and make things work. 

I have a lot of work to do but it is really hard to hold myself accountable. 

books, bullshit on youtube, netflix, snacks... same old patterns, same old thoughts, same old circumstances. 

I am imprisoned in my self.