Ummmm coooool

It seems like I write on here once a week now. I guess that means I don't have a lot to say, either I'm busy or not busy enough. 
I've been trying to be more social, hung out with a few folks from Grad school and few folks from before. Saw brother and niece and nephew today. All of it pretty fun, but this weekend I wanted to hide. 
I had therapy yesterday (not the greatest session... but oh well). 
I told my therapist I am determined to keep the mindset of forward momentum.
Maybe buy something, maybe pull money out of stocks...
Maybe go to a training in a month or two. 
Maybe bring some friends to the cabin.
Maybe I will have some success on one of these dating apps, or the universe will send someone my way. 
I've been eating half a pint of almond milk ice cream every day. 
I've been trying to go for walks, but the weather has been like 90 % humidity and gross. It makes my feet swell and that is super disturbing (like I was looking up the ways I was going to die) and just uncomfortable.

This weekend, I played some computer games. Watched some Jane the Virgin (still my fav show right now). Watched the Old Guard on Netflix and felt like my novel is a little trite between the movie and other stuff -but still want to write more. I'm creeping up on 40 years old and really need to get back to writing. Watched over an hour of people reacting to great music on youtube today, there is something about watching someone else love something you love... I was thinking about how I always wanted to share stuff with M, and hoped she would have the same reactions. She did with some stuff. But others not so much.  I guess I've been thinking about that a lot lately. The other day I woke up and saw something Jesse had posted on instagram and I was just so profoundly aware that I love that she is who she is. And it made me sad that I can't have that with M. And it made me angry at myself for dwelling so much on the people who I am hurt by, and not the wonderful people I have in my life.  But I love loving. And I am sad that the person I loved doesn't have the integrity to live her life the way she said she wanted to. And I am also sad that she couldn't love me or chose not to.  
As is so often the case, it has made me question if anyone will be able to. Maybe we are not supposed to be loved like that. Or rather, the feelings of love may be that way, but we still need to hold each other accountable, so we temper our feelings with conditions/boundaries that are necessary even if painful.

Where is the growth if I stay still?
Thats the reason for the forward momentum, even a mistake is not a mistake if you learn. Calculated risk, but take a risk. 
I can learn and heal, and if I don't, I can be bitter and die just as alone and afraid as I am now... and all of that is human. This being human is a gift that I don't want to waste... but watching a little tv has felt nice this weekend. 

Back to work. It shouldn't be the busiest week, but won't be easy either. I should probably make some plans with folks. If you don't reach out, they don't reach back.