Waking up with a stomach ache

It's weird to spend your days so entrenched in people's lives. To get to know them, love them (to an extent), try to help support them in their growth, and then what...

I ate dinner early, took a nap, woke up discontent, nothing to look forward to. A stack of work to do. A few friends texted and our conversations quickly ran to empty. I watched some news and quickly found it shallow. I contemplated writing, and my brain was too muddled. I'm gonna end up watching Jane the Virgin as my substitute for connection. Let the drama and the laughs be my alternate universe. Let their depths be the replacement for the depths I don't have on my own.

I could have gone for a walk. It was relatively nice out, and yesterday's walk left me feeling fairly euphoric. In love with the universe, with each new face, with each contribution despite the difficulties. I am not one to hold a grudge when I am my best self. I am not one to dwell on mistakes when I am my best self.

I think I put a lot of pressure on people. Maybe that's why I am glum. Feeling like I overextend and don't have much left over. I spent the entire weekend doing nothing, and already miss it.

A coworker had the kids write one of those "I am" poems, and I followed along. I think I am too much in my head and in my ideals... but it was an interesting process. If I were to go back, I'd probably try to bring a bit more cohesiveness to it, like the I hear line might be about listening to people's voices, the caught breath etc. Maybe a poem about being a therapist.



I am... open to understanding people, and able to see the big picture
I wonder... about the meaning of life
I hear... the fan and the air conditioning 
I see... parallel universes, timelines, characters
I want... more support from someone I am mutually invested in, a conscious reciprocal relationship
I am... open to understanding people, and able to see the big picture
I pretend... that life is silly or serious depending on what I need
I feel... cynical sometimes about my life prospects
I touch... the cloth in stores
I worry... about people who are not feeling connected and about our society which separate us
I cry... during songs, movies, tv shows and good books, as well as when I am overwhelmed with empathy
I am... open to understanding people, and able to see the big picture
I understand... that the universe is a dialectic, is push&pull, love&fear, creation&destruction, and that it is the AND not the OR that matters
I say... you are worthy
I dream... of growth and beauty and expansion
I try... to stay positive, mindful and open
I hope... for healing, for celebration, for meaning and purpose
I am... open to understanding people, and able to see the big picture



Yeah.... very head/values based. Maybe that's the mindset I am in when I am working.
Maybe I like that version of me so much I forget to pull out of it when people want me to connect genuinely. Or I just don't like the other genuine parts, so I hide when I am in them. Like this feeling I am having right now, this heaviness, this grog.