thoughts -process of healing

I woke up early to deal with a work situation.
I woke up in a good mood. 

But the mind does what it does. 
As I was walking to the coffee shop, I had to stop myself in my thoughts.
"Be Here Now" as it were. Recognize the trees, the clouds in the sky, the flowers, the way life is what it is, and doesn't need to stretch to be something it isn't. 

But I was caught up in an argument in my head.
Arguing about simplicity and complexity. Arguing about the best way to help people grow.
Arguing about maturity and immaturity. Arguing about healing and trust.
All of these thoughts leading to this old wound:

This idea that I need to earn your love. This idea that I have to try to be good enough for you. This idea that I have to sacrifice parts of myself to be worthy of you.

I invited this cycle into my life again, wanted a dramatic example, lost myself to it, lashed out, regretted, felt like the villain, felt betrayed, felt like the victim. 

Yesterday I had all these small memories return to me and they were pleasant. They were my life in St. Paul. Getting a smoothie and bread in the morning. Going to Whole Foods and eating a salad. Drawing or reading at Gingko. Sitting around at her counter, or on her giant love sac, or riding on the electric scooters on summit avenue. When I go to St. Paul now, I am always kind of sad, my heart hurts and is afraid. Like a lifetime ended in tragedy. I fled the city for safety before healing. I need to go back and heal, but it's painful to even think about sometimes. But it wasn't yesterday. It was pleasant. Then today of course I am arguing. 

Arguing about what happens when someone isn't fully in, and the other wants to be. 
About how impossible it was to please, and knowing that I should take responsibility for my actions, but arguing that it was her fault for never assuring me that I was ok. 
About how I wasn't enough.

And in thinking about this, I should be more settled, recognize how imperfect a union it was. How prone to insecurity and codependency. How nothing could get solved because one person didn't want to solve it... but instead my heart just says "but if only..."  

And I can type out her life story, and my own right now. 
But that defeats the point doesn't it?
If only given who we are, we weren't... who we are.

Why do I dedicate myself to growth? Why is that important to me? 
Why do I want to be better? Why do I resist just being? 

Loneliness is one of the strongest indicators of mental health issues. And I remove myself from people in self-protection. But what is this self I am protecting? And what if I were just more assertive of my self. 

M simplifies things too much, it allows her to move forward easily but the baggage that isn't addressed ruins each new thing. 
I make everything too complex, it keeps me stuck in the past and the present, but when I heal, I feel more capable of loving fully.


_____

I am always wondering how to move forward (especially now in quarantine).
I came up with this idea of maybe buying an apartment, but at the same time, what would change?
I'd have a "home." But would I invite people to it?
I'd have more space. But do I need it?
I'd have more stuff. But do I even want that?
It's hard to move forward. I want an infinite amount of energy and time and mental clarity to write a book. I want a community.  I want to share my life with someone who wants to be in it. I want to not worry about my health. 
When I go for walks I am often in my head. I think that is why I choose not to go to new places. I can just do the same old, and be in my mind. Maybe I need a head injury to be less in my mind. 
_____



This week:
Might see Illy. 
Therapy on Saturday.
Get some books.
Work work work: Finish all the paperwork from last week.
Write?
Go for some walks.
Probably catch up with family.
Play some computer games or watch some Netflix.
Same old cycles.