The Impacts We Choose

 I am being a total grump today. 

I woke up late. Got coffee at noon. 

I didn't talk to anyone. I didn't want to... i think sometimes I can't tell the difference between not wanting people around because I need time for myself, and times when i am feeling completely worthless. 

I got groceries and played computer games. Checked out for the most part. 

When I wasn't distracting myself, I had angry moments in my head and I had hurt moments in my heart. 

I had moments when I recognized just how small I have made my world. I have chosen this life. 

This life where each new thing is too scary. Where investing in others isn't worth my time. 

Where I am lonely, but don't want to talk to anyone. Where I am alone and no one notices. 

I got in an argument in my head, about how she blamed everything in her life on someone else. How she never repaired. Never apologized for real. I saw this pattern played out over and over again, but the moments in-between were so exciting. I felt blessed to experience life with her. 

When it came time for me to have my heart broken. It was exactly as she had prepared me. All the words and actions I chose to ignore, all the benefit of the doubt gone. I can't trust or respect her anymore, because my trust and respect were build on an idea that she was fooling herself, when really it was me fooling myself. 

She looks happy in all the pictures I have, even in the last weeks. 

She looks mesmerizing in all the pictures I see of her on facebook, I am 99% sure she has been dating the guy who was becoming her new bestie at work last summer, and who I asked her about, and who she denied was into her. He would be going through a divorce if they are together. Same story over and over, except these two actually have a lot in common, and probably are a good math. Some part of me wants to pick each detail apart. The jewelry for instance. She never wore jewelry before. He has a more established life, and she is back to flaunting the good life after slumming it with me for a while. I provided all the emotional and functional support, but not the luxuries. 

 I do this to myself, I am choosing to sit by myself all grumpy.  It's ridiculous. 

A year later, she chose to go on vacation with her boyfriend, to take him to the places she wouldn't take me to.  I assume they will have all the same problems we had because she either has the skills to work through relationships or she doesn't. And yet, I am jealous of their fun, of their love, of their happiness, even if momentary. 

I'm watching videos on how to do therapy for trauma this week. I have experienced relationship trauma. I am still stuck in it. I am mad at her for not working through her shit, but here I sit being a super grump, reliving the same pain and fear. 

I chose this. I chose it over and over. I keep choosing it. Why?

Do I know what a better life looks like?

I was thinking today that M reminds me of the teens I work with. Maybe that was the comfort, that she actually is like 10 years younger than me in emotional maturity... and it made me feel confident that I knew what was happening for her. Could interpret. 

But why am I not attracted to anyone anymore?  Why can't I find someone that I connect with? Someone who actually is my equal? Who could be a partner, and would challenge me in healthy ways, not just my caretaker role?

I am probably just in a shitty place today. But I saw some article about an asteroid hitting the earth and my first thought was "good, less to worry about."

I have work to do. I should get ahead this week, because I am supposed to go out of town next weekend with Illy. I don't know if that will happen, or if we will have good time, or if I will still be grumpy. 

Considering the antidepressants again, or maybe i just need to be angry with myself and the world for awhile.