Doubt Comes In

I really love this song even though it is tragic. It is so human. "It's you. It's me." It feels like THE CHOICE that all humans make in our lives over and over - I am glad they wrote it like this, it makes so much more sense than the way a lot of the retellings of this myth say 'he forgot' or 'he was excited' no, he was afraid, he was doubtful. I am very proud of my clients when they make the choice to believe, to follow through, to trust themselves and others. I wish I had as much faith sometimes. 

I woke up really crabby. Im pulling out of it in little stretches, but maybe I need to cry. 
I was thinking about how hard it is for me to let go, let go of the few grudges I hold(especially towards myself), but more importantly to let go of shame. The shame of hurting people.

Why am I so hurt by people leaving me? Is it in part because I can't seem to stop blaming myself for the people who I have walked away from (until I get confirmation that they are doing ok).
I think about my reasons for walking away, fear, hurt, hopelessness, the feeling that I am not enough to make it work, doubt.  Moments when my fear and shame won over my love and faith. And what signal does that send the person when you walk away like that?
That they are irredeemable (?) -maybe its just my response and I assume they feel it too.

When M walked away without explaining, without trying to repair, and even blaming me, it was so hard not to just say, "you're right I must be the scum of the earth, I'm gonna go kill myself." and to be perfectly honest, sometimes I am still there. It's hard to reconcile the love I felt with the rejection. It is my childhood wound over and over. I must be objectionable, otherwise why would my love be so easily rejected? Why am I not good enough to be loved? Supported? Protected? Why am I left out?

I went to the dentist yesterday. Just a cleaning. But as the lady scraped away and cleaned the stain, and blah blah blah, I pictured my imperfect teeth and felt deep shame, deep fear that I was irredeemable. That I could buy a new set of teeth... and what? Die of covid a few weeks later, just another waste of money spent selfishly for no reason.  When I pictured my teeth, they were more damaged and more disheveled than they are... I lay impatiently having this done to me, and thought how weird it is that I can't seem to talk myself out of this embarrassment. I can't seem to find a way to reassure myself that I won't be rejected over and over again because of my teeth, or my throat (which keeps getting sore), or my posture, or my lankiness, or my stomach, or my on and on, and it went from they would have to put up with my body, to they would have to put up with the truly awful parts of me. I could think of a million reasons someone would reject and abandon me, and I struggled to convince myself it wasn't deserved -it is just a natural state to be repulsed by me. 

I started to wonder what the dental hygienist thinks when she sees people's teeth, and wondered if she judged. Like when I sit with clients, I do make judgements but not shaming ones, just concern... and so I asked. And she said she'd never been asked before. She gave me an answer and reassured me that I wasn't objectionable and sent me on my way. 

And I thought, wow, no one has ever asked, maybe that's a gift worth someone's time. 
 (this is unfortunately my pattern).

From a better state of mind - I know this is ridiculous. 
But I am also aware that the dental hygienist sticking her tools in my mouth, and resting her hand on my chin for leverage is the most I have been touched by anyone in probably 5 months. It was the most someone has been specifically attentive to me, and my reaction was fear that I wasn't good enough. And this is a pattern in my life. Long long stretches of being so alone that I don't realize how depleted I am. Don't realize I am grasping for scraps. Don't realize I am despairing. Don't realize I am fantasizing. Don't realize I am not quite logical, so when things click they feel magical, and when they don't work out, I am back to trying to get through the day on my own. 

Reminds me of another song from Hadestown
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L5A__1-QK4w


I gotta go to work...