*** I think the pain is making it hard to think in clear sentences. I read through this and realized my sentence structure is really off today.
So... back pain is fun. I was reading something about how back pain/sacral pain means either you are feeling weighed down and need more freedom, or you are having trouble letting go.
So back pain huh? Thats my one year of being single anniversary gift? (coming soon -Aug 24)
This afternoon I used a heating pad, tried to stretch, cried for a second in child's pose. It still hurts. Maybe I should go to urgent care and get an x ray. I already have a huge credit card bill... a little more won't hurt.
I had therapy today. I tried to talk to my therapist about this dream I had that kept making me emotional, he basically cut me off and gave me some ideas and said he didn't want to interpret for me. I am starting to want a new therapist. It's been several weeks now, where I feel like I am not getting much out of it, and struggling to not criticize his input. I feel like maybe I have outgrown him... I guess.
I need to make some moves in my life. Maybe I should start seeing a chiropractor instead of a therapist. Get a massage every two weeks instead of therapy. See an energy worker or a a somatic therapist...
I can do most of the thought stuff on my own, and if no one wants to ask me questions anyway... then might as well enjoy my own thoughts and feel physically better in the process.
After the therapy I did some writing about my ideas of death, because Courtney asked the morning after my weird random dream, and during this week when I've been thinking a lot about death and I didn't know how to respond to her.
I've had the existential fear/loss all week and it hits me in weird moments, and all my rationalizing, values, beliefs and what not doesn't really sooth that feeling. It's just a moment of being scared and sad, and maybe that is what it needs to be.
I didn't finish the writing. I didn't send anything back to Courtney.
In the dream I was driving to an appointment I wasn't necessarily looking forward to. I had two things on my list, a doctor's appointment and a family event. They both made me nervous but I just had to get through with them. Suddenly I realized I'd been driving too long. I looked around and realized I was way outside the cities. The surroundings were a small town, and in the distance there was a pink orange surreal sky with mountains that looked volcanic not like a mountain range.
I made a mental note that I needed to get back to this cool looking place again soon, but I was already late for the appointment so I flipped a U, and drove back to the cities in a hurry. I found an empty parking ramp a few blocks from the doctors office. I made it to the appointment late but finished on time, and all was well, I just needed to get to my Dad's family event next. Two things on my list, one done. There was relief, but not entirely, just a new wave of anxious energy.
I walked back to the parking ramp. Even from a distance I could tell it was totaled. I laughed as I approached. Somehow in the middle of an empty ramp, with a million empty spots, a huge chunk of ceiling had fallen onto my car and totaled it. The door's were busted, the car was bent in on itself. Chunks of the metal and cement had piled around the car. But nothing else in the entire place was damaged. I made some quick calls and walked towards the office of the ramp building.
I talked to the attendant, then the manager, then the building owner, then the lawyer, then another lawyer, then the insurance person, then the other insurance person, meanwhile a few of my family members showed up assuming they would collect me and take me back to my Dad's family event. I think James was there. I remember being fully confident that I had done nothing wrong, and that someone needed to pay up, and that the whole process shouldn't be that complicated. But it was. No one would take responsibility, they just kept arguing and finding loop holes, and every person had their opinion on what I should do, but no one was willing to just listen and acknowledge that it wasn't my fault, and that they would own it. So I sat there. Hours passed. Different people arguing away. A small office with a dozen people arguing all about what had happened, without taking responsibility. I was angry. I was self righteous. I was pointing fingers just like them, only I was the only one with skin in the game, they were all avoiding it.
My back ached in the dream. I could feel myself sweating and in pain, and agitated with the situation. But I wasn't sad about the car, or worried it wouldn't get resolved, just frustrated that no one was stepping up to take leadership. After a while I stopped arguing and just thought about what my anger was getting in the way of... what I was avoiding by staying so angry. I thought about the probability of that stuff landing on my car, in an empty parking ramp, in a town i've never been to, during a first visit at the doctor, after being late, and all of the ridiculous improbabilities. It felt overwhelming and scary. I was aware that I was alive and well, and that nothing totally bad had happened... but the idea that this did happen at all, was so infinitely improbable, that it scared the hell out of me and I began to cry. Cry at how overwhelmingly unlikely it was. My brother noticed and tried to reassure me, I tried to speak and couldn't explain in a way that he seemed to understand (similar to how my therapist responded).
Hours passed. It was dark out. I stepped into the coffee counter next door, walking like an old man up to the window. There were a bunch of youth around and I felt intimidated by them. They said I was first, but I would have deferred to them. The man at the counter window complimented my clothes. He said I looked fantastic, and got the others to agree. It felt like i was being set up to be robbed. I got my coffee and sat down and felt shaky. I ached for myself. For my situation without answers.
When I woke up I had this strange feeling that this dream was something important. That the fear and sadness I'd experienced mattered. I thought about the probability and began to cry again. It's happened a few times since.
It's like that existential fear you have when you become overwhelmed with how big the universe is. Do other people experience that? Do people have that weird shaky feeling recognizing how infinitely massive or tiny we are in relation to it all?
My therapist reminded me that the dream is from my mind, so it isn't improbable, it's very probable, but I think he was trying to convince me of a point I already felt immensely which is that this fear and this experience were deeply sensitive in my consciousness.
What does the dream mean? I dunno. Self pity? I've been asking for something to change, maybe I wasn't specific enough. Maybe I invited catastrophe into my life. Maybe I feel all alone in a world where other people's opinions are about me, but don't really acknowledge me. Maybe its time to stop listening to them. If the theme of this year has been anything, its that I do everything in my power to please and change for other people, and it doesn't get me what I want. Maybe I need to stop listening to others and looking for them to be my mirrors, and instead just, I dunno... break the mirrors and please myself?
I doubt it.
Where is the place with the surreal pink and orange sky?
I told myself I would go back.
That same night I had another very vivid sex dream about a girl who I don't even really know. Its not the first time. I've probably had three or four dreams about this girl, all sexual, and all as if we were in a full on relationship... but though I have chatted with her before on social media I've never met her, and probably wouldn't like her enough to be in a relationship. I think that's funny.
Gotta move forward... that's what I told myself aloud as I got out of the car with my taco bell drive through, returning to my lonely apartment. It doesn't matter if you love someone, if they don't love you back. It doesn't matter if you were happy, or thought you would be, dwelling on it only removes the possibility from now. Be grateful. Let go, open up space for the next opportunity. fingers crossed it presents itself. I am so annoyed with life right now.
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