the subtle things

 

Mateo's voice on Jane the Virgin reminded me too much of M's son. The energy. The tantrums. The intelligence. 

The discussions they started having around parenting decisions. 

The introduction of Adam, felt a lot like our relationship, the hedging "for the kids' sake."

It's almost been a year. 

I am still grieving in subtle and not so subtle ways. 

I really want to move on. I am not sure how to do that. 

My confidence is much lower than I wish it were and the dating apps don't seem to help that much. 

I don't meet a lot of people I'm super interested in. Most of the ones I do meet and like, tend to have some complications attached. I am a sucker for complexity. 

I guess that's all I got... just needed to say that thing about the show, because... I thought I was doing the right thing. I was really really invested, and in hindsight it feels stupid. But it's hard not to be able to acknowledge openly that you cared about someone. And it's hard to have it suddenly disappear and not know how to transfer those thoughts, feelings, beliefs about people to something else. 

I'm so cynical and disappointed with the world, and my life feels so minuscule in comparison to what I thought it would be. I know this can all change in an instant. I'm just grieving still.

Work helps. But I don't have much else.

I am sick of moving forward alone. I think that's the thing I am so upset about. I thought I wasn't gonna be alone... now I am even more lonely.