blah blah blah blah blah blah

Watching a Ted Talk:

"Are my thoughts useful?
How do they behave?"



It's Saturday. I have some work to do. I might meet up with a friend from college. I will likely take a walk today. It's been hard to do the self care, too hot, and my patterns are too set. I should try something new? What would that look like? How might it be different and pleasant, or at least an experience.


Europe might keep us out because we can't manage our disease.
A judge told the US Government they have to stop imprisoning immigrant children by mid July.
The polls show Biden in a lead of almost 14 points and I believe neither of these men should be in office. There is an ongoing struggle for justice, for equality, for accountability, for reconciliation, for healing.


I am most interested in playing games, in escape, in drugs, in fantasy.  I have no crush. I have no group of friends to sit on patio furniture with. I am feeling lonely.


As far as we know, we are the only species smart enough to know ourselves, and thus we spend so much time pitying ourselves. I am unhappy, and yet, unwilling to change. I could go inward, outward, focus on the ground or the heavens. But I am pitying myself instead. Funny. And funny also that when we don't sooth our emotions, we actually do worse.


My friend is grieving the loss of a long time canine companion. She has dedicated herself to these animals, and their loss is painful. I remember losing Fuzzy my first cat. I remember seeing him everywhere after. I remember feeling like I had lost my guardian angel, and my little brother writing me a note and telling me not to hurt myself.  The loss of innocence again, and again, painfully. My friend reminds me that pets are the very best, that they remind us to love unconditionally. And I remark, that maybe we don't deserve them... (or maybe I am just speaking of myself).


I was taking a shower and thinking about how I tell my students that simply maintaining during quarantine is success, and so many of them are doing more than that. They write goals, an idea of a routine that I know they will not follow through on... but what if they did? They heal relationships. They challenge their negative thoughts. They take steps forward.


Thoughts and thoughts and thoughts, swirling and accumulating and eventually turning into nothing, turned over and over into the soil of the next repeated thought. People in survival mode don't experience this, they focus on the task of survival, they act or do not, because the behavior itself is meaningful -giving life, ending life, giving purpose, losing purpose. My purpose is all held at arms length right now.


We have lost all perspective... or at least I have. I want to make meaning of my life, am so desperate for everything to be something, that I forget the moment. I want to be in relationship, but hide my heart away. I want novelty, but stick to my routine. I want to learn but don't put myself in challenging situations. I am so afraid all the time... and what am I afraid of?  My own thoughts and feelings. The sensations I experience in my body and mind.  The discomfort, the agitation, the ambiguity, the boredom, the sitting with it, the experiencing of it, the mundane and the ecstatic. Love and loss. The things that create perspective, that create motivation, that create memories and change personalities, and move us through time into new spaces.


"There is no way to know -which way your heart will go..." unless you subdue and control and never do anything risky...


I have my reasons for doing this... do I have my reasons for changing?


Are my thoughts useful? 
How do they behave? 


They give me swirls to adventure on without moving. They protect my heart from its audacious yearning. They allow me to connect without getting pummeled.