Mas drama

I am about to spend my day writing case notes. Little summaries of other people's business.

It's almost 11, I have not been very productive. I probably need to buy an air conditioner today.
I have a workshop in a couple of days that I have not prepped for. Everything is fine.

My mind wants to wander.
My mind wants to replay drama, make sense of stuff, take control. I have a hard time sitting with the boredom, the loneliness, the feeling of not being productive, or having meaning.

I have been trying to stop avoiding hurt and fear, but I am not sure if it helps to go back. I want to reopen my heart without being afraid. I have been rereading old emails. There is a whole world lost between each entry. There is time. There are stories. There is what is missing.

I spend my time analyzing people. Get to know them, love them on a million levels.
I am having a hard time letting go, I have nothing new yet to fill it in with.

In the emails, sometimes I find new ways of interpreting things, but it is all platitudes. Talk, without action, no responsibility taken, and all the promises broken.

And yet, here I am dwelling.
Why do I take so much responsibility for others? Talking for them only leads to them not taking responsibility for themselves. My voice drowns out theirs.

A couple people have pushed back on me recently, saying I am not giving myself enough opportunities, and trying to control other peoples narratives. But I feel like I am simply interpreting actions.
My mind is full of cognitive distortions, but more often than not I am correct:

• This person isn't into me because they aren't curious about me, they just want attention (mind reading). 
• This person isn't right for me because they have their own path, and I can already tell it will veer (fortune telling).

Or is it that I make myself correct?  Is this a self defeating behavior, my way of controlling?
It's hard to say.  I am frustrated will M for pushing me away and then saying I left and didn't love her. Thats her pattern in life.
My pattern? I don't let anyone get close too close, and when they do, suddenly they feel duped by my neediness. I keep people at a distance and then complain that I am lonely. I don't reach out enough, out of fear of being taken advantage of, or out of fear of being too needy.

I sit around and think, rather than act. Intellectualizing.