reminder

Mike you invited her into your life so that you could learn a lesson.

You were disappointed as a kid when you got your hopes up too much. Whether it was the ice cream or the divorce. Whether it was others having to take care of your brothers. It was heart breaking, it was humiliating, it was not your fault, and probably had nothing to do with you. 

You decided that you had to control the situation (your broken heart) by not getting excited, not feeling you deserved anything. 
You internalized an idea that you are only worthy when you were the good boy, the nice one, the one who takes care of others. 
You seek out people who you know could break your heart. You let them in because you think if they could love you then it would prove the story wrong. They are exciting, they are the ecstasy you desire, no one else is as thrilling. You think you can play your role to earn them. It won't ever work. 

This cycle will continue to play out until you recognize the hurt, and change the story. You are deserving of love and excitement. You are deserving without having to earn it. You don't need to take the pain to prove anything. You don't have to live up to others expectations. You can simply be who you are, authentically. 

Stop blaming and shaming. You were humiliated, again and again for anything you desired. Now you feel ashamed of getting your basic needs met. Stop denying or you will continue to act out. Either way you betray yourself,  just stop.

You are deserving of having your needs met, just ask. You are deserving of having boundaries. Of taking pleasure in things. You deserve hope and excitement. Stop being afraid of everything. Its not something you have to prove to yourself. 

You're afraid of the pain. The pain won't kill you. The pain will go away. You can embrace the wound, you can heal it yourself now.  It's not the adult you that is hurt, it's the child. This is why you chose her. This is the karma.   It's not about proactively choosing a different path, its about what you do in response. This wound was always the outcome, if not this time, then the next. How will you respond to the wound this time?