Saturday Morning

Not sure what to say. I have the weekend. I have next week without clients. I got hella work to do, but also trying to figure how to space it out. I got some projects and life things to do. Like taxes... I still ain't done my taxes, ain't that ridic?

Some part of me wants to watch netflix or play computer games and just say fuck it. 

Some part of me wants to reach out to friends. 

Some part of me wants to journal and go on a self reflective trip.

Some part of me wants to be productive and get a million things done. 


Yesterday I spent too much time sleeping, so I couldn't sleep at midnight, or whenever I tried.
I had a weird dream where a lion placed his paw on me. Where I set myself in a room so that I could see everyone (for better or worse), making myself the center of attention. Where someone's mom sat down in front of me looking like a horror movie. And I was scared and woke up questioning the position I put myself in. 

In my half dream/half sleep space I thought about how in the big picture everything is good. How G-d makes perfect things, and humans forget, and relearn, and that is our job. No parent is the perfect parent, no child grows up perfectly, and thank the universe, because then what would their purpose be? 
It's not each individual action, each mistake, but the process. Where are you at in the process? Are you in the walking away phase? The stepping forward phase? The balancing phase? The sleep phase? The fighting phase? The destroying phase? The creating phase? The nurturing phase?

It wasn't so much that there were specific messages in the dream space, just the overall reality that everything is how it is supposed to be, that it is ok to let go, to stop wanting control, and that even if you can't let go of it, it won't matter. Everything cycles. Everything balances. Every injustice will be righted, and every right will decay into corruption, and that's ok. We can spend our lives fighting for something. We can spend our lives soothing. Everything is everything. Breathe it in, let it be inside you, exhale it into the universe, be part of the universe. 

I find it relieving to be in this place, this place without grasping. There is still a nagging voice in my head that says "you should" but I can choose to listen or ignore, or do the opposite. I can choose to polish the mirror, or let it be clouded over, and both are necessary for a time, I wasn't made perfect for a reason. The lessons that are needed will always come. 
We do this for each other. We do this for the universe. We offer reflection, we offer choices, we offer whether we mean to or not.  

Last night I listened to Brene Brown's podcast where she talks with a dude who writes about enneagrams and I impulsively bought a bunch of books I won't read for awhile. I love learning about the ways humans exist. I found the way the guy talked about people to be familiar. Loving each type of person while acknowledging their fears and pain. 
I've been reading Teal Swan, and though I find her self assurance kind of creepy, I also enjoy her take on things. I just watched a video on how approval and love are not the same thing, and it was a helpful reminder. 
Last night I was watching tarot videos and they kept saying someone would come back into my life, so I reread some old emails, and decided that I liked who I was before. Felt good about how I handled things. And if I have to make decisions going forward, I think I can trust myself to do so.

Pain is such a tricky thing. Sometimes we think we can control the outcome of putting pressure on someone else, but we can't. It's always their choice in how they respond, we can only bring awareness in various forms, offer ourselves as a mirror, our feedback, and they decide.  Maybe this time they choose path a, maybe next time path b, and who is to say which is right?  There isn't a right, just more choices. 

Our society is going through a collective pain, and though it is difficult, who is to say that this isn't exactly what was needed? Who is to say that more pain in this moment, won't lead to better outcomes later? We could choose that. Will we?
I don't know. 
I find it amusing. 


I lose myself so easily. I lose this space so easily. I guess that only shows I am still on my journey. And thank the universe, because what else would I do?