Human shadows

I am reading the enneagram book and frustrated that I am unsure of my "type," more and more I think it must be a 9. But all of them feel so familiar, and I am not sure if this is just because the enneagrams are just archetypal ideas of human personality, and therefor we are all a bit of each, or if its because I am just so used to taking on other people's stuff that I have to think about it from their perspective and thus it feels familiar.
I seem to have a lot of 2, 5, 6 and 9 traits.
9 6 and 3 are all related, and I realized I am very attracted to 3s.
But the "wings" of a 9 are 8 and 1, and both of these are also very powerful in my life.

My mom thinks she is a 7. When I think of her whole life path, she seems like a very integrated 7, one who has worked through their shit, and found their contentment.

My brother took a quiz and says he's a 4. I know a lot of 4s, folks who feel abandoned by the world and overwhelmed by it at the same time.

But overall, I don't know that I am very good at naming other people or my own type. Maybe I need more practice.




Last night I got very little sleep. It was like 90 degrees and I had all sorts of fans blowing all different directions, and a pillow that makes my jaw ache sometimes. But I woke up in a decent mood. I had a good day. I felt capable and optimistic.




A few days ago I started lusting after someone I don't know. It gives me something to occupy my time, a fantasy, a perversion of sorts. What has been weird is that it seems to be helping me be more optimistic about the future. I normally don't think of my sex drive as a good thing (though I should probably try to integrate my shadow self (eye roll)), my lust has always seemed to get me into trouble, confused me, made me less respectful, less a person of integrity. But... rather than dwelling on the old, I am thinking of the future. My sex drive is motivating me to consider options, to fantasize, to plan... it's kind of a weird preoccupation. Not even a crush, just a fantasy.
But I wish I did have a crush... I think that would make me feel even more motivated.
-I guess I am trying to figure out if I am ready for new things in my life. I mean, my work is starting to feel more balanced. It will always be tough, but I am figuring out ways to cope. I think if I had something else to focus on, I would be in better shape with work and life. In general, I am starting to reel from being dissatisfied, or rather, recognizing that what I am currently doing is not enough. I need to change, and my circumstances need to as well. 



I guess what I am trying to say is that I am trying to embrace all parts of my life again instead of trying to squeeze myself into a narrow identity. It's hard work, and I am not sure I am very good at it.
I've been giving up parts of me in order to be able to help other folks, but I think I need to flip the script and remind myself that living authentically is what inspires folks to do the same, not catering to their fears and insecurities. Cutting off parts of ourselves, is not the path to enlightenment regardless of what Hermanigildo Thurgood's says.