Part 3 I guess

It is Saturday.  A couple weeks into the break up. I am not sure I should be categorizing it that way, but at the same time it feels kind of selfish or to say something like "two weeks free..." or "two weeks into my new life..."   

I vacillate between grief and being present and looking forward. Its the middle of October more or less, and the weather is getting colder, and the clouds are getting cloudier, and the gray of fall/winter is settling in more and more. The dark in the morning, and the dark in the evening... and nature says it's time to hibernate, nestle, cuddle, close off... and I am trying to remind myself to stay expansive, build, renew. I guess I am saying I am out of step with nature and what my body wants to do (sleep under warm blankets). 

Sleep has been difficult. I am exhausted. Sometimes fatigued. I mind is struggling with the thoughtlessness and brain fog of grief even when I am fully caffeinated and rising to meet the day. I forget words. I forget sentences. I was trying to play this trivia game and all my thoughts were on a 5 second delay... "oh yeah, that's what I meant."   I get home tired... I don't really want to do much but sit around... I am trying not to go immediately to the bed, and trying not to stay in bed when I am there, but the apartment feels too big, and what's the point when i could be warm and under covers you know?  That is how energy gets stuck. Its funny to me to recognize how quickly I would revert to the same old patterns. Without this couch, where will I sit?  Without this pillow, what will I rest my back or head upon?

I have spent a shit ton of money, but I know in the long run I will start saving it soon. I was paying for two lives, and now I am paying for one. I am trying to figure out how to cut back on food so as not to waste it... I am so sad/stressed about the inevitable, which is that she will need to dismantle our home... and I'm not sure if I will make a new one of the ashes... 

There are things I want to say, but feel mean saying. 

Things like, I am not really attracted to her anymore. Things like, sometimes I don't miss her. Things like, sometimes it's nice to not have to think or worry about how she is doing, or how she will problem solve her next issue. But what will happen when Simba the cat, or all her stuff is gone and I am left to realize how little I care about? How little drives me, or makes me passionate?  Caring for her has been a primary drive, now what do I do?  I am a little like an empty nester. She is off at college. I think that is one of the metaphors that has made it easier to see this role I am playing... she is like a kid to me. She is like a client. 

I am reading "codependent no more" and realizing that though I am in a better place than I have been at other times... I still fall into this category.  Have I ever dated anyone who I didn't start to try to care take?  N, B, A, J, M, E... throw in friends and long time crushes and it's still true. Which of those people has a chemical addiction? Which of them has a mental health issue? both? Which came from a difficult home environment? Which has a good relationship with all their parents?  Which of them has friends that they get along with and can keep? I really set myself up -dont I?

How do I break that cycle?  

I was journaling earlier and realized I am having a hard time moving forward because I don't really know what I want.  I have so many opportunities, but I am not sure what I really want.  

I know there were things I was excited to do with E, that I started believing would never happen... I wanted to show her Guatemala, she wanted to go to Norway and Alaska and I would have been down. I wanted to take her to concerts and shows. I wanted to have a family. I wanted to have creative spaces for us... I wanted her and I to talk about intellectual things, about spiritual things. I wanted to spend more time in nature, more time taking care of ourselves and our health.

There are things I need to do for myself I think. I need to travel more. I need to meditate. I need to find some form of exercise that feels good -and that I can do consistently. I need more art and music in my life. 

Its funny with things like the Guatemala stuff... why do I want to show her that and not the Czech Republic?  Why is it important to go to a coffee shop at a mall or visit a tourist city surrounded by volcanos but not Venice?   -Is it just the most recent thing?  Is it some part of my life that feels unfinished or unappreciated?  Do I just long to be known in my entirety the same as everyone else?

E never got her passport renewed, despite us talking about traveling for two years. Filled out the paperwork, had the money, never followed through. I think its things like that -that finally made me realize I wasn't being met in my needs or desires. 

And I am not trying to be mean or shame, or judge... I think I am just trying to remind myself of why I need to distance/ to break away... because there are all these little day to day happinesses that made it worthwhile, for the time, and its easy to fall back into that.  I felt my world shrinking more and more... and I didn't see the effort on her part to enlarge it.

That does not mean she didn't add to my life significantly. But I worry how much of the "adding" in my relationships is just -giving me something to worry about outside of my own bullshit. The relief of thinking of someone else instead of experiencing my own distress. And that is not a basis or foundation for a relationship.

I love her though. I want well for her. It pains me to think about things going poorly. But again, me doing for her, does not make her life better. It makes our lives together smaller. 

And now I guess I will go back to my small life... and question how to broaden it again without someone else present... body doubling is a real deal. Easier to clean and organize when someone is coming over. Easier to build when its for someone else?   I dunno, maybe that's just my codependent thinking again.

----

Something I have been really shocked by is how different this feels from my last break up. Maybe its still early. Maybe its because I distanced prior to the break up. Maybe its because I see patterns replaying even more clearly. Maybe I am not allowing myself to feel it all or to become obsessive... but damn... there isn't music except sad songs for this one.  Its not angry. It's not bitter or resentful the way it was with M...  this just feels like -moving on to different paths after our paths collided for awhile. 

More similar to J? 

Break up part 2

 It’s thursday night. E was here till about 20 minutes ago. In my head I sang RENT “just came to say, ‘goodbye love goodbye.” As we hugged before she left. Simba is still here along with most of her stuff. “It feels awkward.” She said, as she prepared to pack… and I couldn’t help but remember past goodbyes with other loves.  

I made dinner, neither of us could eat much. We talked about the past month and beyond, the accumulated hurts and misunderstandings. In many ways the repair we’d been trying to have for a long time. We both know each other too well, and yet had been full of assumptions and bad intent, and defensiveness and resentment - so nothing was getting through for weeks.  

We got through it… but then what?  I asked her if she had been thinking at all about her stuff, (she had already confirmed she wouldn’t be moving back in due to the environment being triggering).  She said she hadn’t.

I could tell she hadn’t really been planning much in regards to where she would live, waiting to see what would happen between us, even if she didn’t want to live here anymore…. 

We talked again after she packed. I told her the reason I wanted to stay broken up - is that I didn’t trust that we wouldn’t fall right back into the same patterns, me caretaking, her feeling that I was judging her. 

She said she would be willing to fight through the fear. I said that hadn’t been her recent behavior and that it was hard to trust things would change just because she said they would.

 She said my doubts leave her uncertain, too much fog, and it would be preferable to just say it.  

I said I didn’t trust yet, that I needed time to change. That I needed her to take the time to show me the changes. She said that felt like me doubting her again, and I said -see that’s what I’m afraid will happen.

She asked. I said it’s better that we are broken up for now. 

I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to hurt her. But I look back at the last two years and don’t see the evidence for the changes I need to feel secure in an equal partnership.

Maybe I never will. Maybe I’ll be alone forever because I can’t trust people… but it felt like she was saying just trust me again… and I was honest that I couldn’t. 

How is it different from past relationships? 

Maybe because it was basically care taking from the beginning… maybe because I never had that much distance from her. Maybe I love E’s heart sooo much that I downplayed so many of the other things that continued to bother me. 

I don’t know how to have a healthier embrace… but I feel like I put the effort in… and as much as I love her as a person, I’m no longer in love. Maybe that could come back if she gave me the time. But she’s probably right, it would just drag it out more. 

I was looking at her tonight, almost like she was a new person. She’s lost weight. She looked fierce but not the defensive -irritable fierce I’ve seen lately. More like a warrior. It was cool. But also I wasn’t drawn in. 

I’m sad that I can’t be enough for her, and she enough for me… or I guess that we aren’t matched well.  But despite the chaos and ups and downs, I also feel like it’s been a really lovely companionship until recently. 

Maybe I’m wrong… maybe I should double down on heart… but I don’t have it in me.  I’m an old curmudgeon.

I love her, I want her to go experience the world and claim her spot in it again.  But at least for now…I can’t be by her side when she does it. 

I call on all the angels and guides and what not to bring me a match  when yall think I’m ready. 

Break ups

E and I just broke up. Im not sure how I am, or what it means, but Ive  been feeling very guarded for weeks, and shes been saying she doesn't feel safe at home (when Im not here), and the vibe has been very off. Ive gotten defensive and reactive - felt like she was implying I wasn't  doing enough despite the fact that on and off throughout our relationship I was doing more than my share. 

 I wrote her a long email today saying it felt like I needed space to figure out how not to be a caretaker, how not to be codependent. She asked why she should trust me to take her to her doctors appointments next week. I said if she doesn't trust me after all I've done, then whats the point. I was hurt. She said I was acting out of obligation not love, and maybe she was right. 

Maybe I dont know how to love people or be loved. 

She said I tried to show her I loved her in ways she didn’t perceive as love… and Im sick of trying to prove my worth, my love. I felt the same to her. Felt like id asked for all the ways for her to show up for me, she didnt act on them. So it wasnt a good fit. But i still love her… and yet, shes right, im not in love with her right now. I want to stay in her life, but im not loving towards her. And shes not towards me. I always told her she could push me away, and  it felt like she was trying to on the phone, she had decided I would be the bad guy. So I just said fine. Im done. 

It was dumb. The whole thing is dumb.   

Now what?

I dont have a car. She has all of her stuff intermingled with mine, it’s basically a divorce. We live together, but she isnt comfortable here. 

I’ll miss her family. She’ll miss mine. I’ll have to figure out how to not become a total hermit or run away to india.

Will I move? Will I quit my job? Will i start that business or not?

For over two years, I had this idea that if I ever died at least E would be able to pay off her debt. At least she’d be ok.

For the last few years, she has been my hope that the future was ok, that even though it would be hard, id have someone to do it with. But it felt more and more like i was carrying the weight and then being blamed for it. 

I want a partnership.  She sent this song to me today that was rather lovely and talked about doing things together, taking turns with the hard times… but if one person always has hard stuff, how does the other get their turn?

Sept trepidation?

I woke up crabby, or rather defensive. It’s only gotten worse as the day goes on. I feel like I’m running out of time and there is so much to do. Spanish lessons. A walk. Website building. Business tasks.  It’s a three day weekend, and so far I’ve gotten to see a friend and watch tv and  movies, but I haven’t been productive. 

Maybe I need to go to the office to get my to do list. Maybe I should be out scoping out new office spaces. 

Are there bills to pay, and mail to send, and texts to get back to? Yes, yes, yes.  I need to go get qualified for a  mortgage. I need to buy a car. I need to follow up with the stuff from the business consultation, maybe I need someone to find me an office.

There is the website and the psych today stuff to attend to. 

There is making lunch and dinner. There are dishes and laundry and garbage and recycling. 

What can I let go of? What can be not my problem to solve…

The problem is that I am feeling defensive of my time and energy and money. The problem is that I feel somewhat resentful today.  

That I was woken up by a comment about needing a bigger bed because I take up too much space, when actually I was only taking up my half, and actually I would be responsible for buying that bed… so it felt like a jab from the beginning. The problem was the cat woke me up  several times prior to that, or for several hours prior to that and I was trying my best not to give in, but his constant whining made it impossible to sleep. 

The problem is I felt alone in these things, and the tasks at hand, and responsible for all of it. For making sure our lives together are reasonably good because I am providing, I am responsible. 

And it is my life, so I am responsible, but it felt bad to be criticized when I was already trying my best.  It felt bad that the solutions offered require more of me, rather than adjustment on her part. That I felt I needed to do more and more and more, when I am already feeling at capacity and trying to figure out how to balance life again. 

We met Pete and his family for dinner the other night and I quickly ran out of stuff to talk about. I have very little to share that isn’t a work thing, or an obligation, or a responsibility that requires someone else’s input. 

How can a summer go by without a story? 

The story is that we were dealing with Es health. And that is her story to share, hopefully something she is recovering from, but free time was taken up. 

Now she is feeling better physically (much of the time) but not necessarily mentally and emotionally. Life is scary. The outside world isnt inviting or magical. 

And I understand that, I am routinely stressed regarding social interactions and new experiences… I am trying to remind myself it’s ok to be out in the world. To take up space and to see the space.

 It’s hard to be in conflicted positions, different lenses of the world, not sure where to reconcile. The world is scary and…

Pete watches his kids as they wander about the park full of strangers. And the kids are fine, almost out of sight, but fine. 

My urge is to be protective to jump in, to guide, but they don’t need that. Don’t need someone trailing them. They are figuring it out on their own, learning to regulate, to trust themselves. I’m so used to being attentive and so expected to, that when I slip for a minute or a day, I feel as if I’ve let everyone down. 

Started to see all my relationships aa needing me to be responsive all the time, rather than just showing up as I am. And most of the time, I am ok.  I’m fine. 

But it’s hard to build a future when the present feels scary or overwhelming, or already at capacity. 

How do we create more of that trust, that chill, that enjoyment of what is, rather than being frightful? Abundance not scarcity. 

There have been gray days in the last few weeks, or evenings when the storms blocked the sunlight, and I felt sad. Worried about winter. Wanted to shutdown and go to bed. Hard not to judge.

The business timeline might be more like January.  Could I take December off? Mexico City? DC museums? Holidays and creating an office space?

What does it look like to be settled in, rather than rushed? To have a place that isn’t in transition, but is ready? 

Handouts and transition paperwork and all…

I dunno. It’s all new.

Victoria recommended an art class, Wednesdays for fall. 

I’m hoping it’s a positive reinvigorating experience. 

Chrysalis

 It’s very difficult for me to figure out what I need to say or express right now. I feel like I’m dissolved in the chrysalis and don’t quite know my new bones or wings or whatnot.   

Part of this has been sparked by grief and loss, part of it by ongoing change without resolution, part of it by roles I’ve played and continue to play, part of it by recognition that perhaps I’m not getting my needs met in a variety of ways.  

A few days ago, I was telling my therapist that I felt little. Felt lost and confused, and was afraid of asking for help, and afraid of what would be asked of me. It felt especially weird because my adult self knows better, I can rationalize and understand easily… but it does not feel aligned to my feelings… and my feelings are scary because if I listen to them, does it require me to make changes? Does it demand more? Would I even know what to do with it…

The onset was death in one case, and in other cases something I should be looking forward to, but don’t feel at capacity to take in fully- don’t  know how to make the most of (friends in town). 

Brad died of cancer.  I am not sure how well I knew Brad, but for awhile we shared the same goals and mission. Later, between V and M I started wondering if perhaps Brad wasn’t someone all that trustworthy, or rather, I guess I just knew that he was flawed like us all. Not someone to look up to or make a mentor.  But that isn’t a bad thing, I can honor his life and his commitment to things that I cared about. I can thank him for the advice and role he played in my life. I can be especially grateful for the positive impact he had on the kids we both cared about.  I can feel sad for his family, and for the loss of someone in our community who was dedicated to trying. 

But I guess it isn’t the grief of his loss that has been bugging me, but the recognition of grief on a larger scale. Of the 10 years of changes since I was a teacher. Of the ten years of lacking a community to fall back on or be a part of. Comradery as my dad put it, and how that has changed so much over the years.  How about the ten years of moving forward without necessarily reconnecting or integrating the past? How about ten years of therapy that has allowed me to revisit things I once held high as my accomplishments and adventures, and added the recognition of their costs back into the equation. Being asked too much, for too long, and holding holding holding it all.  And not that it was bad, or it was anyone else’s fault, not the blame game, but simply a more elaborate picture.   And of course I do not have their voices and perspectives to offset my own, so it is simply a feeling of being alone -and then worrying that I’ll be asked back into the role of my 25 year old self… because I’ve not been present to demonstrate my growth. Or something along those lines. 

I work with a lot of older folks who are full of regrets and complaints, and I often think to myself, “take this as a lesson” but to which part of me, which voice do I give the microphone?  Am I happy? Yes, am I sad? Yes, I am both happy and sad.  As Ram Dass says.

And in that I can recognize a larger truth, that I don’t have to be terrified, that I can be curious, that I can allow what is -to be what it is.  But I also want to honor fully these experiences, and one of those experiences is that anxiety and fear that I will be relied on too heavily. That I will feel like I have to downplay my own stuff, so as to make room for someone else’s stuff.  Middle child in the back seat stuff.   

And it’s hard not to overplay or be dramatic in that. I found myself last night feeling ill. I felt like I had a fever, like I couldn’t thibk clearly, like I was achy.  I told E this, took a Covid test and complained about how hot it was. I was clearly out of it. She kept stopping and asking “are you ok?” And I was like… why are you asking?  

No im not ok, but there is nothing you can do about it. So let me be not ok. Don’t make it about you. Don’t make it feel like I have to be ok so I can assure you. I’m not ok. I don’t have health or energy for you, don’t ask. But of course I said none of this, except asking her why she kept asking… 

And that’s what it feels like.  I don’t ask for other people to help. But I also don’t trust that they will. I assume asking will only make it harder.   

For a while, my old coworkers were a team. We had a shared goal, and everyone stepped up. And that was what it was. I was the youngest and to some extent I thought that this was the way it was supposed to be. And then slowly, the dawning recognition came in, that it wasn’t sustainable… and then more and more recognition came through. It was amazing, and asked too much. And I didn’t have the boundaries or abilities to recognize that. I empowered myself and others, and also was not fully present for myself. And that sucks. 

In hindsight, I believe I recognize that they knew that before I did(about themselves).  

I find looking back that no matter how old I am, or How much I’ve grown, I am astounded by my own naïveté, over and over I get my hopes up, or believe something passionately, or whatever.. and then I am disappointed or exhausted by it.   So it’s hard to muster up the energy to see the people I love… have loved… knowing I will be disappointed or confused, or feel out of control due to my emotions or theirs. 

I watched a willem dafoe interview where he said, sometimes you have to try to fail.  This is advice I give to clients who are perfectionists, and it helped me to consider that I am wanting to be perfect and in control at these events. Want to manage my image, protect my heart and the small spot in their hearts that they have held for me. Hustlin for my worth as E would put it.  

Perhaps I should try to fail,  be as awkward as possible, be standoffish or rude, or numb.  Show up more fully and flagrantly fucked up. Take the risk to be a mess. 

I guess I need to give myself permission to be. My adult self can say that, but maybe not from a place of wise mind, not integrated yet. 

Maybe I haven’t been processing my grief and letting go, maybe I’ve just been running away for 20 years.  

It’s hard to be human. This is the curriculum. Gotta learn to trust it. Open to it. Embrace it in all its forms.  Let it be what it is.  Let the universe shape me into what I am, rather than trying to keep my preferences.  I dunno.  I dunno. I am a baby in the grand scheme of things. Maybe I need to be held.

August

 

It’s a Sunday night. I don’t really have much mental capacity, but Ive felt like I should be journaling all weekend.  I’m watching a tarot video and she says I’ll get back in touch with some old attachment I haven’t had space for in a long time… that I will allow it to unfold. 

The week has been particularly stressful. My company was basically purchased by an insurance company and ever since all the promises they have made have been upended and with a positive spin (a little two faced toxicity). So this week it was a new electronic health record… and very little preparation or forethought.     Mid week, I had to realize, that my job is about being with the clients, not stressing about paperwork.. and that made it easier. But I was stressed and somewhat furious all week. 

But on the positive side it will push me from the nest, get me away from this insurance company BS, and get me started with my own bs whatever that will be. I’m doing research and trying to figure out what private practice looks like. I want to leave, even have urges to leave randomly, but I want to get out ethically and potentially bring all my clients with me. 

The woman in the tarot video says emotions will come, especially nostalgia, and that I should keep feeling through it,  because it’s happening for me not to me. A reawakening. Some sort of truth I’m ready to integrate into my being. 

On Friday night I had a dream in which I came upon a table of old friends who were all hanging out, without me.  This has been something I’ve been thinking about lately a lot. About all these friendships I’ve let go. But in the dream, I went to each of them individually and tried to reestablish that I loved them, but that my limited amount of energy kept me from being in relationship, but that it wasn’t a matter of caring… whatever that means.  I woke up thinking of all these loved ones who I used to spend hours and hours and hours thinking about. How many loved ones have I allowed to pass through my life?

I spent much of Saturday thinking nostalgically, but also with that familiar anxiety that something bad was gonna happen. Later I got a text that one of my old coworkers died. I’d been told he was in hospice a few weeks ago, and that and other things had been bringing up all these nostalgic feelings. I dont know that my dread was related. But one of the people I talked to in the dream was the one that broke the news. 

Not to be weird but I do miss that side of me… the one that feels connected to the spirit and the universe and what not.  Able to tap the thread of the comings and goings. 

I feel grief lately for a lot of things and people. Parts of myself or my old life that I don’t quite want back, but do appreciate still. 

Last night I went to see the new Deadpool movie by myself. A late night movie in Minneapolis, a solo adventure.  So me.   I drove back through the city reminded of bars and restaurants and neighborhoods and coffee shops I once frequented, or special occasions with friends.  Again, I didn’t quite want it. But appreciated it.  I wanted to get home to E. I wouldn’t choose a night in a bar over a night with her, or even being in the same apartment in separate rooms… but I do miss all those past me’s sometimes.  

She has a chronic condition, an invisible disability, and we are making a life together. Easy in these cases to allow your world to shrink. How to make it big again? Or do I even care?

I’ve spent the last few months dreaming of world travel… so I must care… or be needing a break. She pointed out I usually travel in between major life events. Time to reflect and process… 

Friends are coming into town this month, and I’m worried I won’t have the capacity to meet them with enthusiasm. 

I’m 40 years old. I feel like I’ve lived lifetimes already.   

I want the future to be directed by hope and optimism rather than fear.  Abundance, openness, freedom. I waver though, I’m not sure I believe myself to have the capacity. 

I enjoy sitting around and avoiding all the meaning making… when you do it for a living, it get exhausting sometimes. 

Am I ready to give up the old parts of myself? The cds and book collections? Should I move away and start anew?   Should I go on a walkabout before I try to shoulder the rest of my life?

I dunno. 

Like I said, mentally I’m prettt dull tonight. 

End of may

 It’s near midnight, I took a nap earlier and now my mind is active. This weekend has been a continuation of a stress filled life and I find myself fantasizing of travel and escape. It’s not that anything is on fire, it’s that everything feels very stuck or in decline, like the world is shrinking, or as I was reading earlier she and by some extension we, are just experiencing survival mode.   

I’ve never really been on pure survival other than when I have put myself there. I’ve been in minimizing and freezing temporarily, I’ve been in short term depression, I’ve been in anxiety that causes stuck- but not actual survival mode - it is alien and not fun. It makes me tight, cold, crabby and resentful. Makes me judgy. 

It makes me realize how privileged my life has been. That I’ve faced difficulties but never prolonged. Never week after week.  In many ways I’ve faced more of this with E than I ever have in my life, at first with the pregnancy, and now this, and it makes me both grateful for my life and also causes me to question. 

I took Friday off with the intention of relaxing of having time to just enjoy myself. We went to cannon falls to get labs done, and I got Dairy Queen on the way home and played computer games till 4 am. 

I woke up crabby on Saturday and didn’t go buy a car like I had planned to this weekend. It’s not a need, it’s a want, and in some ways feels like a big purchase that doesn’t matter right now. E is barely driving and encourages me to take her car so she has no reason to leave the house. On Saturday I went for a walk and ended up getting my tarot read in uptown with a backing track of 90s grunge (Hole), the first card pulled was “death” - death to the old and renewal… card after card of swords followed, calling on me to use my intellect and persevere through a difficult time, an entrapment of sort, then the Queen of hearts (embracing in confidence of emotions), then a new layout of a brighter future.   - and the guidance id asked for basically said the thing I already know.  

This is a time of fear. Scarcity. Doubt. Difficulty.  And after will come brighter days, but do I work through the trap, or pull out of it? 

I returned home in a better mood, with sage and palo santo and a “healing” candle. We went grocery shopping. The day became muddled into nothing, I’m  pretty sure I went to bed early. 

Sunday morning I went and got a massage, or rather a beating on the form of a massage at the mall. The mess of knots in my back, now feel like bruises. By 3 we decided to go down to Rochester with the hopes of speeding up the referral process.  We spent approximately 3-4 hours in the ER, which was well run and nice but still was an emergency room, to find out there was nothing worse going on (from what they could tell) and that they could try to speed up the referral… they could not determine whether current symptoms were caused by the medicines or the condition. And didn’t want to hazard a guess… round trip it was 7 hours to shave off a few months on a waiting list… but without any new answers or guidance. 

Today she was in a better mood for the most part, but didn’t want to overwhelm herself by going to a movie with her mom and niece. We went for a walk, and it started raining. The weather report had said drizzle and within minutes of getting back to the house it was a brutal thunderstorm and total downpour. 

The news had many stories of major weather events causing great damage. The world is changing and I’m fantasizing about going some place that will be too hot for me. 

I find myself not wanting to be around people, feeling that caretaker burnout to some extent. It’s not as bad as I’m making it sound but I don’t feel like my partner can be a partner consistently right now, and that’s difficult. I guess I wasn’t expecting it at this time in my life.   

It’s funny though, because I look back and see this in all of my relationships (limited as they may be) and it makes me wonder if it’s me. Maybe I’m the common thread, some mix of being too accommodating and also too judgmental? I don’t know. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about karma and soul contracts, maybe because it’s easier than saying I’m privileged and that gets me places… but nonetheless, I’ve been wondering why it is that things happen to/for us, and why we A) find ourselves in the same patterns and B) Put up with it.  

A client recently told me that he didn’t trust himself not to fall into the same bad habits/patterns agai despite making some significant changes to his life, and I told him that I thought it was really confusing to me that he would continue to believe that about himself despite making changes… and he was just kind of blunt about it being more honest with himself… and I kind of wonder if that’s maybe what I am doing ‘wrong’ in life, gaslighting myself into believing that there is more hope or light or positivity than I am actually seeing. 

I am fantasizing right now of running away, of taking a bag and flying to India, Nepal, Bangladesh,  south east Asia, maybe make my way down to Australia, take a year or 5, give up on having a family or a business, just go be somewhere… 

The last time I went somewhere I was frustrated by the lack of connection, of companionship, I just wanted to be home with E, or wanted her traveling with me.  

I still want that. But I can’t imagine going to Mexico City, or India or whatever with her, and right now it is totally out of the question. 

I can spend my life wondering, dreaming etc, or I can do it. I can spend my life worrying or be present. I can spend my life brainstorming solutions or caretaking or, allow people to make their own decisions experience their own consequences… I just don’t know how to do all of it. 

Ram Dass always explains that he was told “ you’re in a school, why not try to take the curriculum?” And I find myself kind of wondering if I am desperate to not take the curriculum which includes suffering and fear and hurt and loss… and maybe I’m experiencing them through others at this point because I have avoided my own hurts. 

I don’t know. Maybe I need to invest in my own wellbeing more, take a yoga class, go see a psychiatrist or a healer, get beat up by a massage therapist more often. 

It’s hard to plan for a future when you’re in uncertainty. Hard to find hope when there aren’t clear answers or direction. 

I find myself with brain fog too. I find myself irritable too. 

I was listening to the girls podcast (we can do hard things) and Glennon said that when Esther Perel was on she said “in every relationship there is one person who is desperate to not lose the other, and one person desperate to not lose themselves” or something to that extent.  Made me wonder… 

I think I find myself struggling to feel hopeful for a future, but it makes me feel like I’m avoiding things when I start to plan for one. Like I could start a business, plan a trip, buy a house or a car…but I don’t feel I have the resources or stability or backing to stay motivated or follow through. My foundations feel unclear at times… I guess.  

Which is why it’s easy to picture myself with a bag and some shoes and just walking away.   Even if that feels super sad, super selfish, - it’s like my version of suicide. 

I’m not actually gonna do this, but I am wondering what I am gonna do next… I guess. If things stay the same? If they change? If I make them change or if I am the responder to changes outside of my control… I guess  that is what I am thinking about. 

Reframes

 When we try to picture the future it is too vast, so look one step ahead.  If you are lost in the woods and cannot find a way through, can you find the next step? Let that be your hope, your guide, see the clear path in front of you, not the vast wilderness, or in other terms look for the snowy path, and not the trees when skiing, look at the open road in front of you and not just the cars and other obstacles to flow forward. 

Paradoxical intention, find the humorous exposure for the  fear,  make your worst dreams true, make it a joke, find the clown in it, take on that fool energy. If you are afraid of choosing wrong, choose the wrongest, if you are afraid of making something ugly, make it the ugliest, find the delight in your fears, the way forward through your terror  is to embrace each step with intention and a smile… I am afraid of embarrassment, of rejection of abandonment, of being trapped, and of course the dark, what to choose first? Find my purpose in choosing wrong, let it be a lesson.   WOW what a gift to be shown my fears and attachments aren’t real… just a thought, an ego attachment to something that isn’t. What is this new thing I can embrace with curiosity rather than judgment… oh and let go. I am bad at… yes and? 

Be the baddest, all the better for learning and growing behind the limitations you’ve imposed… 

Come back to this, fantasize about the worst possible scenario and enjoy it. Enjoy the intention of the fool, of the backwards clown… laugh laugh laugh 

March

 It’s been the warmest winter on record, barely a few days of snow and if I had to guess none that lasted more than a week.   It’s 69 degrees in Minneapolis right now. I am sure this means drought this summer, and though we will probably all be fine, I am sure that means famine across the globe. It’s staring us in the face, but I am drinking Keurig coffee and about to fly to Arizona in a week, where it is also 69 degrees today. Odd. 

Yesterday I went for a long walk with Rachel and both my feet still hurt. Not sure if it’s the padding in my shoes or something else, but it feels awful. Kept me up last night. Eventually I took Advil and used biofreeze. Maybe this is the beginning of the decay from the bottom up? 

Medical issues have not been surrounding me, though I do have a weird cough and difficulty swallowing some times. (Decay from the top down).   E on the other hand has had a resurgence of her eye condition.  Hopefully it gets better now that she is on meds. The whole ordeal has been terrible. Also she is going down on Effexor each month and the withdrawal is noticeable, perhaps just the underlying trauma/anxiety finally coming out.  Work has been hard for her - more burnout at a job. 

We are going to Arizona to see here dad and grandparents. Not sure what the plan is really, but we will talk about it later. I’m sure there will be a lot of just hanging out, but I also hope to explore if my feet aren’t killing me. I’m not a big drinker.  E wants to talk with her dad about things. Could be a great time, could be very hard. Either way, I am glad we are going. Hopefully nothing medical happens. (Knock on wood, and cross fingers). 

My company is being bought out by a major healthcare/insurance company. I’m not a fan of the arrangement, but at the same time maybe it will mean better benefits and what not. Or a push into private practice… I will be done supervising in May. I am glad to get back to the more simple task of dealing with clients only.  It’s not where I want to put my energy right now. Holding the weight of it… is definitely not how I want to spend my time. Kind of like being the testing coordinator at my teaching job. Yuckers. 

Work has been good for the most part. Finally slowing down after a quarter or two of pushing myself and being above quota every week. Now I’m around where it’s supposed to be, and I have time during the day to be present or rest, or get paperwork done so I’m not spending every night doing it. The idea of private practice sounds nice if someone else did all the legwork. 

Spirit and heart.

Lately I’ve been struggling with uncertainty at times. I feel like it comes on as nervousness and stays on as a lingering doubt. Mostly this just has to do with the future, but even in the present it might disrupt my confidence in doing work, or attending to tasks.  It’s weird.  It’s sort of the ‘do I know what I’m doing?’ Thought. I’d prefer to fall back into trust in G-d or the universe, to have that constant faith and belief that things will be ok… but I don’t have it all the time. Sometimes when it is absent, it’s because I’m avoiding or distracting… too much time on Instagram or playing games. Sometimes it’s because I feel overwhelmed, or a lack of energy… for instance I need to buy a car. But it is a lot easier to just walk to work and figure it out as I go. One time I’ve had to pay for an Uber, but mostly I rely on rides from E, or borrowing her car. $30 for one Uber, versus insurance and gas for the last 3 months… plus it forces me to exercise a little. 

But the real thing is, when would I have time to buy a car? Am I ready for the paperwork and the right questions?  I gotta put myself into that spot. And I have had other priorities.  I think I’m gonna make a goal of buying one by the end of the month… so April I will have a car again. Maybe. Not having a car also makes it easier to avoid other tasks like getting my passport renewed and what not. 

I get done what is easy to get done, and I like a simple life.  

A few weeks ago I was having all these dreams about my exes. It was odd. I felt just as much love for them as I had in years past. I felt my heart on the line in all these strange ways… but the majority of the time, I don’t feel that way in my waking life. I have love for them, and pray for them, but I don’t necessarily miss them or long for them, or want to integrate them into my life like I did years ago. Time has passed and though I know I care for people deeply and continue to think about them, I am mostly content, satisfied, ok with time and distance.  So it was odd to have these dreams, accessing places in my heart I’ve not felt in a while. It made me curious about what they are up to. Made me wonder briefly if some like transformation would occur. 

How strange time is… how little we can predict… how momentum carries us. Rachel asked me about where I see myself on 10 years, at 50…  if I have kids, I’ll be a crabby exhausted old man… but happier for it - presumably.  If I don’t,  travel? A private business? Teaching?  I don’t know. 

But will be regretful… I don’t think so. Will I be resentful of others… I don’t think so. Will I be grateful for the opportunities and the challenges and the beauty of it all… I am pretty sure I will be.  I am now. I may not always be in the present moment, or inspired and awed… but on the whole, I feel optimistic that life will be ups and downs… and that I can enjoy and find gratitude and even peace in it. 

The other day a client mentioned the grief of a dead cat.  It made me so aware of the losses and the moments that felt unbearable and the fact that I have… will continue to do so. That this too shall pass… and flow on.    Love and loss, and love and loss… and I feel very honored to be a part of people’s journeys for the time the universe thrusts us together. And also very aware that I have little control over the turns when they come. Just that I can find a way to cope… to trust… to be open to the experience and learn, and grow.     I guess that’s what I wanted to say.   And also that I love you. 

Aging

 I turned 40 today. My family celebrated yesterday, and it was ok. I opened presents while the majority of the attention was on the niece and nephews. It was good. We ate icecream cake and take out Benihana. It was good. 

This morning E ordered me back into bed so she could bring me breakfast. A tradition in her family. We talked about how it’s actually a lot of pressure and kind of odd, and she said it’s even worse when there are more people around and you’re the only one eating… but she likes the tradition.  She’s been giving me small presents all week. I put together  1000 piece puzzle she gave me over the last few days of Covid. Took forever, but it was good. The majority of the presents aren’t meaningful, but fun or functional, or candy. I appreciate the gift cards in the day to day. I added 300 hundred to our envelopes for travel and “health” which basically just means “beauty” treatments. 

I made this joke about turning 40 and thus being in the decline, a few minutes later I had the suspicion it was true. A weird heavy lingering. Many times I’ve thought I was dying, or became afraid of dying, or was sad because I knew it was an inevitability of us all… but this felt slightly different. More just an acknowledgement that life likely won’t get easier or better in the ways I’d always imagined… not just a slope upwards, a reaching, though of course there plenty of amazing possibilities to come… but likely along side all of them will be some measure of heartache or loss, or heaviness… and maybe it’s always been that way and I was privileged to not know… or maybe I’ve always held both and just chose to see the good (while simultaneously dealing with the difficulties).  - I think about when I first was rejected from teacher training by Morris, and initially I was just devastated, but within a few days I was planning on attending UMNs master program, and then Morris invited me back. And when I went back I tried extra hard because I knew it was something that mattered to me. And graduated, if you can call it that, in the top of the class. 

But there are a million things I am always scared of and preparing for, and weighing out, so I can’t very well say I haven’t experienced the negatives before… maybe just that the majority haven’t panned out… whereas in the next 40 (if I am blessed to live that long) I will surely start facing those consequences for real? 

I am staring to have a bald patch in the back do my head… it doesn’t bother me as much as I thought it would. I almost see it as a badge of my age.  James has a white beard for the most part… when did my uncles hair turn? When did they lose it?   I suppose my cousin lost his hair in his twenties so losing it at 40 seems like a long thing.   I asked James if he has advice, he basically said, you’re gonna wanna play with your kids on the floor, and it will hurt. Use a pillow, but also get into shape now cuz it’s harder later.  Great advice. 

I found myself over the last week or so wrestling with wanting to return to work. I really enjoy my job and it gives me a sense of purpose and a drive to do it well.  It was painful to sit around and be unproductive and not giving… E called me out a lot on my inability to just sit with myself or rest or take care of me… I feel like I do that frequently. But she is also right that I am over board on work.  I have no balance.  I have no puzzle to just sit and stare at for 7 hours, instead I am always twisted with the 500 things on my list.  It will never get done.  But I did get the puzzle done.

I feel bad for not wanting to connect with people… but I am mostly content in my life. I feel good about stuff… and just a touch “behind.”

14

 The significance of any of the title is how many digital dots in the time at this moment. 

I’m getting over Covid. It’s my first official time having it. It wasn’t pleasant but it was more funny than hard, so far at least. Today was the first day I felt mostly better. Yesterday I learned that you aren’t supposed to take thraflu and DayQuil in the same day.  

E is sick now. For the second time in two weeks she is out of commission. Last week it was a stomach flu. 

Today I felt a lot better, got a lot of the house chores done, but still feel behind, especially with work and long term tasks. E is wondering why I can’t sit still and why the moment I feel better I want to get back to work. I feel like I’m two weeks behind major things, even if most of them are very minor… I feel like I can’t waste a day, and she is wondering why a day not working is wasted? And I wonder if she is right, though I also am frustrated that we are falling behind by the day week month… and it’s not because I’m not working hard. 

They told me they’ll give me 10k for my car even though it is destroyed. Which is pretty good considering. Will still take a week to work through the paperwork, probably longer to get a check… but at least that is a concrete thing.   

New car? New payment plan? I dunno yet.  I think about how many older folks are losing their ability to drive and wondering if I can have their car… 

The first few days of Covid I laughed, I laughed at how ridiculous it felt, sudden aches and temp changes, a cough but one that came on so rapidly I could barely turn my head let alone raise a dulled arm to quash it. I laughed at how things seemed so difficult all of a sudden. How there was a barrier to my brain. I enjoyed the first few days… it was the weekend and I had no responsibilities. Then came the week and suddenly I was responsible not only for my own clients, the paperwork and what not, but also of my supervisees. 

I’ve already decided I don’t want to continue being a supervisor. I don’t actually like it. It means less control yet more oversight, guiding without enough teaching… I don’t like the set up of it, at least the way it is for me this year. If I had the time, maybe I’d develop a curriculum but I don’t have the time, and I definitely don’t have the energy, and I’m not likely to know where a student comes in or what they need until it’s already halfway through the year. If I were to do it, I’d want to do it full time. And that is not what I had in mind at this time. 

In my third day of Covid, which was really my fourth-  but the first day was masked by DayQuil, I found myself sad, frustrated, crabby. E was starting to get sick by this time and had to take time off work again.  I hadn’t been sleeping well, except in an upright position on the couch. I was bored of doing nothing, but couldn’t muster the strength or thought to do anything productive. I was scraping by, and knew it. And I was against anyone or anything that would further pull from my scarcity or energy. I felt acted upon, rather than the actor. Where was the laughter of yesterday? Why am I feeling so heavy with burden? 

Though last night the fog cleared somewhat and remained more open today. Not enough to work, not enough to go back to work… I’m not even sure about Thursday at this point. I need to catch up with last week when I was clearly getting sick but didn’t realize it. And also I suppose taking care of E while she was sick. 

I keep thinking I’ll have more time to catch up this weekend, but potentially celebrating my 40th… or not, maybe a drizzle fizzle sputter out - don’t want anyone getting sick. 

The thing that launched out at me this morning was that I feel I must act with integrity. Don’t cancel on others or leave them hanging when you are still capable. You know?  There is a job to do and people to attend to, and it is good meaningful work, even if it is fake. Many of my clients have been with me for over a year at this point, which is crazy. Some I’m sure will stay as long as they can afford it. Maybe they are getting someone who believes in them. Or maybe just like to be listened to.. or maybe some get help with their problems. Some don’t, but they come back anyway… and I don’t know why. 

I think about that a lot lately.  The limits of therapy. I know I could be doing more breath work, more somatic work, more coping skills and psycho education … but it lands with some and not others. It’s like telling someone to journal… they will or they won’t.  I know that most would benefit from a change in diet, or more exercise, a larger support network, an empowering hobby… and I would benefit from all the same… but do we follow through? Not until we are ready. There isn’t a key to turn or a button to push or a magic wand… 

With my supervisees sometimes I sense that they are looking for that *key fix… I still look for it too. But I remind them of the things wiser and more patient people than I told me earlier on. Don’t follow the sense of urgency.    I still get caught in it.  

In the pre Covid state and throughout, we watched a lot of port protection Alaska show on Disney… we nicknamed it “not today buddy” because in almost every episode you watch those folks who are basically subsistence on the verge of the wilderness survivalist folks try to get food, or wood, or some other essential and then suddenly there is a storm, or no animals around, or something breaks. And eventually, despite their years of skills and experience they tell the camera person, I guess it ain’t happening today. But despite their disappointment, they maintain this positive vibe (at least for the show-behind the scenes who knows). 

E asks me how will I be present for kids, or life if I am always dedicated to work… it’s a good question. We both are frustrated by how often we are watching tv and scrolling on phones and not connected or present. Both have talked about how do we make more time for loved ones, while simultaneously frustrated with ourselves that we are not holding healthy boundaries, or not engaging in the way we would like to in our positive relationships.  

I often think about how many nights I would spend watching YouTube a few years ago… or movies when I was a teen, or all the lonely disconnected times I’ve already experienced and this feels better than that on any night… but it is the tv watching American life.

Made a little different because we don’t have kids yet. 

But not that different from anywhere and everywhere else. How do humans spend their time when they are bored?

I don’t drink or smoke, or take drugs very often… and this is another factor. 

I think about all the places I’ve been around the world and here, and I don’t necessarily see us doing anything different. But is it unfulfilling? Sometimes

She wonders about getting away to the country, I think it’s a nice dream, this simple life, back to nature, less technology idea, but I am not sure it would actually change anything unless you were super intentional. And super intentional is not easy, it takes a lot of energy and creativity and motivation and drive - to keep it feeling meaningful and not just a self imposed rule or restriction. 

My curiosity at this point in my life isn’t driven toward learning how to farm or create and maintain buildings. I have a vast love of learning, but I don’t find it meaningful right now… I find my work meaningful right now. 

Jan 1st

 It’s the end of the break, and the beginning of the new year. Sort of an artificial thing, but doesn’t keep us from reflection right? Maybe, makes it easier. 

Today was a weird hard day for no reason. 

I went to bed last night thinking I should probably erase some of my social media and games and what not, so that I could live a more present oriented  life. 

I had downloaded one of those super addicting games and spent a lot of time on it last night. The little drops of my attention getting sucked into the vacuum of this completely make believe - totally insubstantial thing. It gives hits of pleasure, enough that I considered making purchases so I wouldn’t have to wait for the little timers…

I’m sure we have all played these types of games. There are little mini games to play in between the larger theme, and sometimes you can’t remember which game you are actually intending to play. 

It’s a different sort of time waste than other things, with Tetris I know I’m organizing my mind. With word games I know I am utilizing my mind, with the computer games I am learning and thinking about history and what not… but with this artificial town, and its artificial economy, and its artificial timers and rewards… I’m just sucked into a nothingness… I suppose you could make the argument that having to keep all the little things in mind and return to them could be a type of memory or concentration building tool… but at the end of the day I have not accomplished my actual life goals and how many hours did I spend tapping away at the void?   And why do I feel drained, and anxious and on edge? 

I suppose there are other reasons too.  E’s stuff triggering my stuff triggering her stuff and so forth. 

She woke up this morning, felt sick, projectile vomited all over the room and it still smells cuz we don’t know where it all went. She hasn’t thrown up since but still felt sick all day and rested rather than pushing herself. Which is the healthy thing to do, except of course she has some deadlines that sound very serious. And it puts me into my trauma response. 

And so I did all the household work, and my work, and mostly just sat on my phone avoiding life today. I think it was because I was frustrated with her, with life, with the way I overwork and take care of things… and still don’t get ahead. 

I had some minor tasks I didn’t get done for work that I have been putting off, and it feels bad. I also took time off specifically to take time off… and up until the last few days didn’t feel bad about it at all. I did accomplish laundry, dishes, meals, and taking out the garbage and recycling. I also did some cleaning though it still smells. Lysol the whole mess. 

I get into this headspace where I worry that if I don’t do things, they won’t get done. In this space, I neglect to notice all the things other have done, or continue to do for me. I get self righteous and afraid. I try very hard to stay even minded, but I’m scared and frustrated… I worry that I won’t get to feel safe or get to do the things I want to do because I’ll be making up for others. In some cases this has been my genuine experience, and it’s hard because I know I have allowed it to happen and then become resentful.  In other cases, I think I envy not having to worry about it, because these things are always on my mind. My faith and values say that I should be able to roll with it, allow it to come, experience it, recognize that what I worried wasn’t the outcome and then let go of these worries… but that’s hard when the pattern repeats…  it would be nice to say come storm, rain down on my parade, I invite you. But I don’t think I’m that zen yet.  

I overbooked myself tomorrow. 8 clients and a supervisee. It’s gonna be a long tough day, and I don’t think I’ll have anything left.   Most of these clients are fairly easy to deal with, mostly enjoyable. But I have some worries… of course I do. Worry that I won’t be enough, worry that I would be able to support them, that I will lose steam and hurt them in someway. Enneagram 2 qualities?   I am not grounded, I’m not connected, and I think that throws me off quite a bit. The rest of the week is more average, but starting with this many clients is probably a recipe for disaster that I will be making up for next weekend and so on.  It never ends.   

That’s kind of the thing I’ve been thinking about lately, enjoy the process because it never ends… it’s all process, not end result. 

I wrote a text to Pete last night mentioning something like that.  I’ve been very out of touch with everyone. Not really a life… 

If I were able to balance better, like maybe 25 clients instead of 30 each week. Maybe that would be better… but there are still always hard situations, and I need something outside of work to be passionate about. 

Normally I’m pretty invested in my relationship, but this weekend it’s been more like trying not to caretake/control/worry/be frustrated. 

Anyway… I thought I would write because I couldn’t get myself to do more work, and also felt wound up from that stupid game… which I deleted so that I wouldn’t be jumping back to it between sessions at work. 

I dunno… I feel like maybe not all of this is my stuff to hold, but it impacts me, so where is the line? 

Heart stuff and holidays

 I’ve been working over time at my job for several months, I am supposed to have about 25 clients a week, but I’ve been averaging 29 plus 2 supervision sessions, plus 2-3 consults.  It’s taken a toll in that I haven’t seen much of my friends or family.  

We (E and I) skipped thanksgiving to get some time to rest and rediscover who we are, so I guess we have to put more effort into Christmas. Christmas is always kind of hard for me… too many expectations, too much disappointment, too much nervous system chatter. The desire to connect to be seen, but the recognition of having to play a role because everyone is pretending it’s ok… but things aren’t ok, you know?

I am taking next week off. A rare thing for me in this job, but a thing I should probably be doing more often.  At least a day here or there… 

I have so many clients I’m worried about, that it’s hard to think of them alone this week. Not necessarily that I am worried they will suicide, though I am worried, but more that I know they will feel alone… and that sucks. 

This week, reminding them I won’t see them till the new year… a few hesitations. 

I went to therapy tonight and did brainspotting for the second time. Both times I guess I am super susceptible, because I just launched into it.  This time I tried to focus on the memory of my dad finding out his mom was dying… E reminds me he was feeling anguish/despair… I remember him on the phone, I was 4 or 5 and he was across the room and he was holding himself upright… and I wanted to hug him, but I was afraid of his sadness and scared, and felt helpless. I was stuck in the doorway. I don’t know if that’s what actually happened, but that is how I remember it, and how it felt in my body all these years. Watching my dad fall apart on Christmas and knowing that the world wasn’t always ok.   

In the brainspotting I chased the feeling of being helpless, reluctantly, to be honest, I wanted to look away, but I was encouraged to follow to be curious to sit with… and so I noticed it, and noticed myself closing in, my hands pressing together, my shoulders crouching, my tight frame, my armoring… and I sat with it, then pulled away… then went back… and eventually the armoring lifted… I opened up to the feeling and the helplessness vanished… my little body could move again… and I could sit with the sadness and be compassionate. I wanted to hug him, and I could. I wanted to hug myself and let little me know it was ok… and I could.   There wasn’t the freezeframe anymore… I had movement and freedom. 

I found myself a few moments later armoring again. Sitting with the present and my need to be armored around my family. We discussed it for a half hour. Concluded I needed to sit with it, do some mindfulness prior to seeing them, notice that it’s ok when I arrive and gradually let go throughout the course of the experience.  

I’d like to some day not be a grouch at Christmas… but I’m not quite there yet. 

I found out M’s bio dad died.  A hurt in the heart for a man I never knew. For a woman I haven’t spoken to in years, and who I don’t plan to ever again. And still, there was love and wonder and curiosity and compassion once, and so it remains. I said a little prayer as I often do, for the folks in my heart and in their hearts.   It made me wonder about all the news I do not have, the other heart aches and joys… how out of touch I am. 

What will I do with this time off?  To remind myself I am bigger than my job? To connect myself to something more intimate, to be vulnerable and open?

I don’t know yet.   Maybe I’ll keep isolating, or maybe reach out. Maybe create. Or maybe just exist.  I dunno

Pumpkin Spice Season

It is a Sunday. I have plenty of work to do, but don't really want to do it. 4 DA updates, plus consultation notes, and termination summaries. It's tedious, and not really part of the moving forward process... part of the side quests maybe, part of the letting go. 

This morning I was reading this book  How Can I help? it is kind of a collection of perspectives and experiences around getting clear on what one is doing when trying to help, versus what is really helpful (according to the Authors). For instance, early in the book they mentioned that by being a "helper" you automatically require the other person to be the one who needs help... and that this power dynamic actually interrupts the help that is possible. Versus, as Ram Dass would say "I am in this one, how did you get in that one?" meaning meeting as souls experiencing the journey from a higher place. 

As I read (and of course the book says this will happen), I find myself questioning my profession and interactions. The unnaturalness of it all. Which is something I routinely comment on in sessions. That this is an artificial relationship, and that if the person were able to get what they need in a natural way, it would be preferable. Where are the natural helpers?

This morning's read was more along the lines of discussing the suffering that happens, and how to sit with it, rather than problem solve or push it away with intellectualizing, or distracting. I find myself routinely in this position through work.  

Lately I sit with clients or talk to them on the phone, who are experiencing an immense amount of suffering. Some experience pain. Some experience meaninglessness. Some experience loneliness and feeling unconnected. Despite their state, they are also all stuck in their stuff... 

EG a client complains of being ridiculously lonely and wanting to be around others, but rejects an opportunity because it's silly, or it isn't a preferred activity. The opportunity to meet her needs, but she rejects it because it doesn't come in the package she would like. What need is that then meeting?

Another Client behaves similarly, gets frustrated with the system that doesn't make it easy, but rejects it when it comes easily, prolongs the windows between connection, "I am too caught off guard, too anxious." 

Another Client longs deeply to be seen, and therefor rejects anyone's perception that she is similar to another. "That's just like your Dad." "No, see there you go comparing me (therefor, not seeing me). 

Another projects herself as being above everyone "I am a genius (smarter than everyone around me). Dont force me to conform, or jump into you boxes or roles..." and also wonders why she can't connect to others, or why there are so few people in her life who have really been able to make her feel a sense of belonging. 

Another sees himself as deficient, and therefor lives his life masking, and then wonders why it is so hard not to stray into distractions that allow him to get away from his circumstances. 

Some folks narrow it down to helplessness, worthlessness, and unloveablity. Or shame, guilt,

And how do I respond to these inner beliefs, or the situations of stuckness... Sometimes I want to jump in and problem solve (sometimes it is helpful), sometimes I want to run or avoid, sometimes I want to ask for help, sometimes it makes me feel not enough, sometimes it makes me question if I have anything to offer at all... so many responses. Sometimes I sit with it... validate, other times I challenge or question. It's a weird thing -therapy... like is there a right answer?  surely the pattern will repeat again. 

I find it the best when I can just sit with and believe in someone. 

But sometimes I laugh. Sometimes I want to challenge their drama. Sometimes I am caught up in it with them. Sometimes I want to provide perspective, othertimes share my own drama. 

I would like to respond with curiousity and creativity and warmth and offer a new way of being, rather than simply a new way of thinking... but its hard to do. At times I will feel super grounded and present, other times on edge and impatient. 

I don't have to look to work to recognize these patterns, I feel them deeply in my personal life. As work has taken up more of my time, I feel I have less to give to others. A lot of time with E and family, but not a lot left over for friends. Sometimes I miss them, but often I think of them with worry  rather than love. A scarcity mindset. What will they want from me? What if I can't perform or play into their stuff? What if I am not enough, or can't give enough, or don't want to?  It's all drama. 

E has been sick the last few days. She lost her voice, and is coughing and sore. She sounds absolutely miserable, and my honest reaction is to pull away. A combo of I don't want to get sick, and of feeling like I can't make the discomfort stop... so I need to distance. 

Shes been actively cleaning the house and doing projects and seems somewhat on edge. When I look at her, she appears mad at me. It triggers this belief that I am not enough, and not doing enough. She tells me I trigger the same in her, and we come together to acknowledge that this distance is awful and not intentional... but we spend a whole day believing our shitty interpretations before asking. 

I am worried about my elderly or disabled Clients... but do I take care of those at home? I expect my parents to be able to handle their own shit. To not be needy. I wonder if they complain to their therapists about us... our distance, our putting our wants before their needs.

Of course it makes me question all the future things. Louise, my current therapist reminds me frequently I don't have control over anything, and that when I think I do, its simply a delusion. All that effort, better to put it into accepting the current situation and responding mindfully. She doesn't say it that way... but its funny how flippant she is when she says I don't actually have control... and part of me is like... but foresight!!! 

Sometimes in the little quiet moments, I miss students and clients of long ago. The ones that unexpectedly touched my heart. Wonder who they are and what they are up to these days. Time marches as they say. 

Last night I had this weird little longing for the Care Barista coffee shop in Fontabello in Guatemala City. Something about the combo or an americano and a pecan pie, and Courtney? and the safety of the bougie mall in a sea of chaos. I miss guatemala city. I liked who I got to be, even if I wasn't sure what that was or what I wanted it to be. I think I wrestled there... and I am not so much wrestling now. 

Maybe I am ready to put my own wrestling on hold to watch the development of others? of littles? I don't know. I have things I need to do, and when am I supposed to do that in a 9 hour work day that also asks me for another hour or two at night, and 4 on the weekend. This isn't sustainable when I recognize that. Maybe I need to do concurrent documentation, or open my own practice.

I miss Courtney. She doesn't need anything from me. I should write her. I miss Victoria too. She's reached out a few times. We haven't connected in a long while. I miss people from long ago. At the same time... I can't even remember everyone's names. Who was that? Who were they really?

I like to pretend I know, but as a certain Client loves to remind me... and she being both more sneaky and more honest in a way, than most, people allow us to see what we want to see, to believe what we want to believe. Shes better at it than most, and so we all project on her. 

Maybe thats all they all are... my projections... projections of the one regardless, like myself... we are all in the maya, eh? 

 Finding myself hungry. So I should probably walk home. 

End of summer

 It’s 2023 and I’m 39 years old. 

I am living with E, we are beginning our second year together in this home in south Minneapolis. 

I work at C—- and it’s mostly good. I enjoy my clients and I’m beginning to take on supervision of students in a few weeks. I recently went to a supervision training held by UMN social work department practicum staff and at the end they asked on the feedback paper if anyone was interested in being an adjunct. I checked yeah. A small likely unnoticed step. 

I’m looking forward to the new challenge of taking on supervisees. I’ve been tempted to look them up, and there is nothing saying I shouldn’t… but also I don’t want to pry. 

Boundaries are sometimes hard with clients, sometimes I feel like I need to be more of a coach or mentor, others times I feel like I need to self disclose more. Other times purely the old psychotherapist. Each client is their own relationship. Each brings out different parts of us. And likely it will be that way with supervision as well. 

I’m not entirely sure of all my roles and responsibilities. 

I am considering that my next professional step will be private practice. Or teaching. Or both. I am imagining this taking place next year, after my supervisees are done, and there is a summer lull, and have had time to set up the basics of a practice. Will it be with insurance? Or private pay? Will I do virtual sessions? How will I advertise and how long will it take to set the whole thing up?

Feels like a next step to ensure a somewhat stable future. Should provide a little more money and at least a bit of freedom. I like my employer, nothing bad to say about them, but I am receiving about 30% of the full amount of a session, and that’s kind of ridiculous. 

Lately I’ve had packed weeks. 30+ clients on my schedule. My ideal is more like 20-25. 5 a day sounds like a good life, though I know a lot of people who see 8. Holding that many stories means I’m not doing as good of a job of being present. 

My clients like me and I get good feedback. If I switched careers right now it would be a fascinating transition. 

What is the future? I feel like part of me is thinking hobby farm and survival protocols and part of me is thinking middle class family plan, and part of me is thinking south east Asia (or some other adventure).  

I haven’t thought much about teaching again, but I do miss it. I haven’t thought much about seriously writing again, but I miss that too. I miss going to coffee shops and getting lost in my own thoughts rather than other peoples worlds. 

We have things we would like to spend money on: trip to Alaska, health and beauty, a new computer and games, or longer term babies, a house. These are all the pros, but there is also student loans and bills, and the inflation in daily life. There is our future health concerns.

I’ve gotten out of shape, never lost that winter weight. My back aches and I am headed to physical therapy in a few weeks. I’m hoping that it is short and instructive, but I am worried about a life time of pain and how that will impact everything else. 

People are breaking bones (L) and having heart issues (G) and getting new places (B) and having babies (M). We’re all getting old and we’re all working through things. 

Sometimes E and I struggle over things that I feel are pretty ridiculous. But underneath is shame and guilt and skills never learned. People encourage me to do for her, to reassure her with commitment, but it brings up my own trust issues. 

I am not sure if my therapist is the right fit for me. I feel like she provides advice and smooths things over when I want to dwell and profess. I wonder if I do that to people too. Invalidate by believing they will get it. 

Often times I “know” but haven’t been able to accept it. M used to ply me with that kind of plastic response, and in my head I’d be saying “yeah, I already know, but what I want is for you to see me.” But she didn’t. 

Lately when I see a picture of her, I don’t have an emotional response, no big reactions, a lack of response… and it feels better and weird. It’s like emdr or something. I’m just like “oh” and then nothing. That was not true at PRIDE. I had a bigger reaction, but it was partially just HIDE!

I think I would like to travel next summer. At least a little bit. Don’t know what that means exactly, just that I have an itch. 

We are going to see Barbie for the second time today. I guess we will see if it’s good the second time. Might be kind of cheesy after the  initial social commentary. We might see Illy after. 

I think part of me feels very free today. I walked to spyhouse in the 85 and rising temp, and it was sunny and exciting. It felt like there were still opportunities left in life. Less beholden and more choosing these things. 

I was reading a book on selective mutism and it made me sad. How I wish I could share the possibilities and perspectives, how I wish it were easier to convince someone that their current circumstances are not the only path. 

Things change. Or at least there is the possibility. Pray for the positive ones. 

Unity of Being

 I’ve been listening to Ram Dass for months, read a few of his books years ago. I’ve read and heard about the Sufi concept of the unity of being etc.  

but last night as I struggled to sleep, I had a dream about embracing G-d in the form of an archetypal beggar, the downtrodden. There was a moment of recognition that this was not a fellow human in the material sense, but rather an illumined being, a golden glowing warmth, and when I embraced him, I knew this was G-d, and that all things were of G-d, and that nothing could be impure or wrong, because it was all perfect. And in that recognition, I could accept myself as the same… that I was not separate from this golden glow, that I was part of, and mobilized by this force. And in the moment of recognition that all including myself were G-d (“in drag” as Ram Dass likes to say) I suddenly felt no fear and could embrace suffering, there was no distance or other. And the thing only lasted a second or two, but it was so easily applied to all things that I felt charged to love with abandon. Nothing could be wrong. Nothing could be more right. Perfection called me to recognize it in all… and the momentary assuredness left my body first, and then my mind struggled to grasp to apply, and then that too fell away… but I wasn’t left wanting (or at least not that much) because I knew if it was all perfect, than this forgetting, this momentary distance, was also perfect. It can’t be any other way….   

I woke up somewhat tired and crabby, but it felt like such a turning point. At least for this little while. 

Turning

 

29/22 and 1/3/23

It is nearing the end of the year. I have a lot to reflect on.

This year has been tumultuous, inspiring, frustrating, traumatizing, hopeful, draining, difficult and unbalanced. I feel like the year is ending on a mixed note. This morning I was looking up enneagram type 9 w1, which is what I am pretty sure I am. I was looking specifically at the judgmental part -as I spent the better part of the night (when I should have been sleeping) feeling self-righteous and angry, trying to maintain the balance between hospitable (outward peace) and sane – (inward peace).

I found myself drained and crabby, but we were hosting E’s parents -who of course invited themselves to stay with us, and who also trigger the shit out of her. Not to mention she didn’t have any Adderrall this week, and we had a fight right before they showed up which we didn’t have a chance to repair.  We have a tiny place not suitable for multiple house guests, but her family doesn’t have boundaries like that… so overall -I felt imposed upon. E needed reassurance and I wasn’t really able to provide it.

I found myself in control mode: make sure everything goes well, deal with your feelings later. E kept asking me why I didn’t want to go to the guest bedroom to sleep on the twin bed, and I knew on some level it was because it scared me to let go. Because I didn’t feel I could be in control of myself, and that I would have to face my feelings if I went in there -with or without her.

So instead I spent 3-4 hours thinking/processing on the couch with her a few feet away struggling to sleep as well. It was hot, there are a lot of noises, there is the cat. But in general I was lost in my frustration.

I went from the judgmental/self righteous to the more open and giving, but I couldn’t always maintain that stance. My open heart is longing for armor. An hour spent on the imposition, the boundary violations, the psychology of it. An hour spent on the way I am forced into roles I did not choose, taking on emotions that are not necessarily mine, awkwardness and overwhelm, that I am some how attached to but did not bargain for.  An hour spent flipping the script on myself -why do I choose this? What is this doing for me? Why am I being judgmental etc., what is going on that I am so triggered? Where is my attachment and how do I reframe what is happening so that it feels less a burden and more a choice? An hour spent deep breathing, settling my heart, acknowledging the judgments are mine, my fears, my delusions, my ego and grandiosity at believing I have control and should have control over the universe, over her, over her family. Instead, asking for support from G-d, from the earth from the universe. Asking for opening and understanding -rather than pushing away.

 At some point in the 4+ hours I reached for her hand, and it felt good. Then she placed a second hand on mine and I wanted to pull away. Too much enmeshment. I want not to be lost in this.

At another point I breathed into my heart and found it was not as angry and hurt and frustrated as I believed it to be. Just afraid.

At another point I found myself realizing that my intellectualism is such a passion (?), that I place it above the other parts of me. I rationalize and justify. I get lost in the pursuit of thought/knowing and forget to look within, and certainly forget to cherish the gifts of others (setting myself above them).

Now I find myself at odds within myself. I think these things can be true and also that there can be boundaries and goals. Maybe my expectations are too rigid, or too high, but I don’t want to lose them completely. So how to find balance in an unbalanced world, and unbalanced system, an imbalanced self?

Relationships are difficult. Merging families and stories. Deciding on shared goals. Getting lost. Trying to support your relationship when you don’t feel capable. 

My ideals and expectations versus reality -

At the beginning of this year I saw some hope. I was planning on leaving my job and dreaming of future travels. I was seeing a therapist. And a friend a week. I was growing closer to E at work. I liked her charm, how she put her heart into everything, how she cared deeply, how she challenged inequity. I was wary of other things and still am. I had told her we shouldn’t be close because I had a desire to care for her. We began talking about Brene Brown and our values in work and life. And then decided to do a book club, that became a date, that became another date.

In such a short amount of time, she became center to my world.

It certainly wasn’t expected. I should acknowledge that all of my relationships seem to rush forward, but within a few months she was pregnant. We were tag teaming on some difficult situations at work, and the combination of expansion and overwhelm led to feeling close quickly. She had a dog at the beginning, and slowly recognized that he was too much to take care of and build a life. Things with work  kept getting worse. Suddenly we were spending each week at the hospital waiting to find out if the embryo was viable… uncertainty upon uncertainty. We grew closer through the push pull. Then it was becoming summer and I was close to leaving work. She lived with her sister and needed to prepare to leave the house because her mom wanted to sell it. I was ready to leave my apartment. We planned to move in together. We found a place, it felt like overnight we had secured a new home and time. And then we had to pack. Then we were moving. Then I was done with work. Then I was out of the country.

Late summer/fall: When I was back -we had to reconcile what living together really meant. How do we merge lives when we aren’t working together. I got a job quickly, but didn’t start for over a month, so my days were filled with sitting around while she stuck it out as long as she could retraumatizing herself at work. The last few weeks I could barely recognize her beyond the burnout. Then she was done, and suddenly it felt like she was back. We went to a wedding. I got invested in my job. We started having the kids stay over once a month. We hung out with each other’s families for little get togethers and then holidays. She started taking care of herself physically and emotionally. From what I could tell, she spent most of the day arranging and rearranging our apartment. At night I always cook dinner. We watch a lot of television together and shared podcasts and tiktoks. She got sort of stuck. We had to start having difficult conversations about stuff other than trauma and work; about money, about family, about future. Its all short sound bites in hindsight, but the ups and downs, the back and forth the certainty and uncertainty. Each episode could be a chapter in a book, but instead a sentence fragment. How did we get this far -given that we are so different -how has our life together come to be such a comforting routine.  

In a year she has gone from a coworker to my best friend and the person I look forward to seeing the most. And she wonders why I don’t rely on that as I predict the future, and instead worry about what could go wrong. Why not stay grounded in the feeling of hope, when prior I had so little?  And all I can say is experience and anxiety.

Its funny. I think about things like how the last few years I have felt so little engagement in the parts of my life outside of work. And how her mere presence makes life feel more exciting, easier. The future easier. But I am wary of discomfort and hardship… I like to plan things out, have back up plans, have a safety net, and she lives her life very nonchalant and impulsively at times and it scares me. Not all the time, but when it seems contrary to her stated goals or my stated desires…  I suppose.

Its not that I am not grateful for these traits as well, E is all heart and reminds me to check in with myself, my feelings, to listen deeper rather than rationalize every little thing. She invites me to shed my shame and self-judgment. She is very validating and her openness to vulnerability is inspiring. Its just hard to watch the backhalf, how these same traits get her into trouble.  I want to learn from her and lend her my forethought, but she isn’t always interested and often my reactions come off as judgmental.

The thing is I don’t actually want all the answers. I want to keep exploring with her. I know that we might fall off an edge somewhere some time, but I am not of the mind to run, its just that I have knowledge of what can go wrong.

Last night (new years eve) I scared her by acknowledging the truth which is she is ‘In’ more than I am. It isn’t because I am not in, I am certainly not planning on being out. I am just aware of things she hasn’t thought through. My wariness frightens her. She spent the day away. I miss her, but I am also glad she had some time away from me. That being said, by the end of the day I was reflecting about the time M and I had an argument and spent the day away from each other. How I returned ready to redouble my efforts, and how she responded that she had grieved our relationship and wasn’t sure. I assured her. I reassured her. But it turned out I was wrong. She was already falling for someone else, and my footnote in her story (if that) was written off. I spent the next couple years angry at her and myself, for jumping in too soon too much.

E would ask why I was comparing.   But does my heart know the difference between all these efforts to love?

I now write M off too quickly, I dwell on her narcistic traits instead of reminding myself that she isn’t all that. I grieve dreams that I had still, even while I forget the children’s names. Life is very weird this way.

It does as it will, but I am still obsessed with my little desire to control the course of this river.

 

Employment

This morning I decided that I need to make an alteration to my work situation. It should result in slightly more pay and more stability in my paychecks. Its odd to be beginning this journey and already seeing the downsides, but I am glad that I am seeing them and adjusting.

I am enjoying work. I started this position in late September and have already “ramped up.” In general I have 1-2 intakes a week because several of my clients have dropped off the radar or are switching to every other week. The positive of that is that I have more variety in my schedule and don’t get bored. The negative is that I am more stressed, constantly adding another person’s story to my already crowded mind.

I have clients aged 14-64. I have Clients with mental and physical health conditions. I have clients of different races, ethnicities, sexualities, genders, socioeconomic status, religious backgrounds. I have teens and couples. It is a good mix, but it can be draining. Some clients are dealing with normal stage of life issues (What do I do with myself now that I am retiring? What do I do with myself now that I am expected to be a grown up?). Other clients are working through complex trauma, struggling with communication issues, having difficulty getting out of bed or getting to work. Shame and guilt are ever present. So is grief and longing. So many people with unmet expectations, I dreamed a dream in time gone by…

And time goes by.

I find myself comparing the stories I hear at work frequently with my own life and relationships… the same mistakes, the same quandaries. I feel guilty for not texting friends back. I feel guilty for not knowing what to say.  I make the same missteps again and again. When I watch couple fall into these same traps I wish they could just see what they are doing and take a different step… but I make that step without seeing it as well. Its humbling. It also makes me happy to know that there are conversations I have had with E that some couples who have been together 20 years haven’t even broached. A good sign?

 

The day to day as we begin 2023;

I initially started writing this a few days ago, now I am at Spyhouse -trying I suppose to live out my old habits. I can’t necessarily concentrate on the things I thought I would write about. I have chopped up and edited the two days of writing, so perhaps they are different tones.

I don’t leave the house as much as I used to. No need to seek out social life when you’re happy nesting with a partner… but I think that needs to change for the sustainability. Beyond the relationship and feeling pretty secure- or on the right track with work, not much has changed except that I don’t see my friends very often anymore. I still walk with my Dad once a week when he is available.

I spend a lot of time with E’s  cat.

I play computer games about once a week. I rarely write, but I do continue to read books (both for work and fun). I don’t watch 4 hours of youtube, instead we watch an hour or two of tv/movies each night.

I make food more often with E around, but I am grateful every time she wants takeout.

Lately I find myself distracting too often. E introduced me to pokemon go, but I also have been playing games on my phone and computer games on the weekend. I probably need to be reading more, meditating more, grounding more, journaling more (difference in tone, no?). Seeing my friends. Investing in the future. I find it difficult to have the energy at the end of a long day (9 hours at work). I should probably start going out for lunch just to give myself a break, or to see friends if they have the hour open. I have to get into the sustainability mindset, not the beginner rush rush rush to get it done mindset. I have found it difficult to balance. I know I am not getting enough exercise or eating well. I know I am not paying enough attention to the spirit, though I ask for help every day in my work. I need to practice more meditation… more appreciation.  But there are tasks to get done and shows to watch.

How do I imbody abundance?  How do I connect with the ground-the sky? How do I remind myself that we are a blip in time. That my momentary attachments to ‘how it should or could be’ are not necessarily the path of the universe. That there are no wrong choices, as everything is a fork pronged to demonstrate the limitless creative power of G-d. How do I embrace love and vulnerability, rather than being driven by fear. How do I remind myself a thousand times a moment… and also accept that I won’t, can’t, and that that is also ok.  Human after all, beautiful none the less.

Maybe I shouldn’t judge everything based off the difficulties of the holiday season. I am wondering when the light at the end of the tunnel will be. The holidays went well… but with an underlying tension -and it broke through after the holidays were over. I don’t necessarily think its bad. I just think we have been borrowing time, and now we have to start engaging in life beyond the apartment.

I’d like to start going to the UU church again, but E wants something else. I’d like to meditate and get rid of about half our junk… The office feels cramped all the time. Its hard to have two people’s lives merged into one space. The bedroom feels nice. More open. The living room and dining room alternate between functional and crowded.

 

I guess more later?  

 

 

 

Noviembre

 I began working in the middle of September and until this last holiday weekend hadn’t really had much time for anything else. I guess I’ve been watching a lot of tv as well, and hanging with E., but generally it’s felt like 6 days of work per week due to writing DAs for every new client. I think I’ve had about 35 clients or something, 5 or 6 of them being couples, and about the same amount of teens. It’s been a good mix of clients. Some in retirement age, some mid life, some early 20 somethings. I’ve had a bunch who are already feeling better about the thing that they had come to therapy for, and who are starting to go down to every other week or even -I’ll call when I need a new appointment. And genuinely most of them have said they feel like it was worth their time and money to come in. It feels great to know that they value the experience and feel they got what they needed. I don’t want my clients to stay in therapy forever or get dependent on me…. That being said, it sucks that then I have to get another handful of clients to fill in the schedule. 

This week, if no one had canceled (and I already had a few who did), I would have had 31 hours of clients. I don’t actually get paid for all 31, more like 29.5 depending on factors that are insurance based, but that would still be a lot a lot a lot of clients. My ideal is between 22-28. 4 per day would be plenty to keep my head and maybe do some reading and be always caught up with paperwork, but 20 a week is not enough to live on. 

I’m enjoying it, but I can’t say I didn’t sort of dread starting the week. It’s a lot of emotions and relationships to balance. I’ve been putting nearly all of my friends on hold for the last three months because the last thing I want to do after a day of talking to people is go talk to more people. Maybe I need to join an activity club / like a minigolf league or something. Dealing with me and E and our families already feels like a lot. Friendship has just fallen by the wayside for now. 

But generally. Life has felt very good. There are things I want to add because I think it would be beneficial, like going to the UU church or going for walks/exercising or doing art more often… but they feel like things that will come with time. And I suppose time and energy are the things in short supply.

E wants to have babies, wants to potentially be a stay at home mom, wants to go on a few trips early next year, wants a different home location (eventually). But also isn’t yet sure what she wants to do for work and has bills to pay. I’m not ready to be the sole provider. I just started working again and the idea of 30 clients a week fills me with dread. It’s hard to balance life. 

It’s hard to balance. Maybe there isn’t supposed to be one at this stage of life, but I’m trying to find some peace with the things I have and enjoy them for what they are. 

We shall see what is to come. 

A client remarked today that it’s hard to journal frequently when you feel like nothing new happens.  I know that that feels true right now, and that it isn’t in  the long run. 

But I feel out of material.