Follow up from last post

 It’s close to 11. I had a couple of cancellations. I’ve been scrolling on the social media and looking at news. 

My first appointment was fine, but there is a heaviness still that I haven’t shaken. 

After writing down my dream this morning, I pulled tarot cards. 2 of cups, the sun, 10 of pentacles, judgment. A whole spread of super powerful positive messages. It made me cry. Made me feel like maybe the difficulties could be overcome, that there was something better around the corner that I had not felt worthy of… maybe a nightmare could be a tower moment, let it fall and see what can be built from the ashes- perhaps a better world. 

I pray that such despair and suffering can be made into empathy and growth, that my own shame, guilt and wrongdoing can be repurposed toward light.  

But it’s been a heavy morning, and I don’t feel that yet. I feel like I am going through the motions and trying to fake it till I make it. 

My friend asked me last night why I perceive invitations as coming with strings even if they don’t exist… I said I’ve grown up with shame, fear, fear that something will be taken before I am ready, fear that I won’t be able to say no, shame that I am not enough, and it’s only a matter of time till someone finds out. Etc. she said she’s known me for 23 years and I still have some breathing room. 

To live differently… to perceive a sheep as a sheep?  M used to confront me with that, she said not every sheep is secretly a lion… but I knew she was a lion, and I dropped my guard anyway… more and more, I am less hurt and angry with her, and far more judgmental of myself for the way I responded to being hurt. 

Maybe I think  of myself as a lion in sheep’s clothes, so I project that on the world?

I dunno… but it’s hard to put things back into boxes this morning. I have a hope - that somehow that strange dream was trying to tell me that things could be better… even though it didn’t feel that way in the dream. Like let’s burn off this piece of karma, and let you breakthrough (judgment card). 

I’ve also just been afraid in the back of my mind that something will happen and I won’t know how to respond… because I feel self righteous. What happens when I run face first into regret? Will I feel ashamed and guilty again, or will I be able to acknowledge that I feel regret because I loved, but could not find a way to be loving.

I went to see Hadestown the movie (a recorded broadway show) and cried and cried throughout… doubt comes in.  

But we’re gonna sing it again and again. 

It’s important to do so. 

I know the intent of my heart. Even if others can’t always give it the benefit of the doubt, I can be the one who does so. My heart is good. 

2nd follow up 7:25  Gonna go for a walk after this I think... 

Today E officially changed her fb status to dating the guy I'd suspected she was dating since Feb.  I felt her pull back around that time. She never confirmed anything, and I didn't ask. But she became less communicative and didn't always follow through... around April or May I saw a picture of her with someone... and said "yeah that makes sense."  Since then, I've assumed. I am sad. But I am happy for her. I don't want to hold her back. I guess I am more just dealing with a touch of the old grief. But its good. It's a good thing. 

Also, I told myself I'd download a dating app. Went with Hinge. We shall see. 

Also... I kept forgetting to mention this in my journaling this weekend... but the thought occurred to me of how set in my ways I am... or how unwilling I am to change.  I think about the influence of others in my life and I can acknowledge the impacts of folks I've dated or been friends with... but I find it odd how much I am still exactly the same even after I get out of these relationships. E definitely helped me be more aware of my home environment...  and added some furniture for sure. But... I dunno. My activity interests and style didn't shift much. I actually went back to the way I'd been before her  -as in things like watching tv (way more with her than alone)...  but also I think that is representative of where she was in her life. She wasn't able to go out or do much, felt stuck, felt scared... hopefully she has continued to grow since we broke up (almost two years ago now) (end of sept early oct)?