Invitation

This weekend I was invited to some things, and said yes. 

On Friday a friend asked me to go to a sound bath in a park. I have been to sound baths, but had never been to this park nor knew what I was showing up for. I went. I enjoyed it. It was awkward, but good. 

(I'll come back to this). 

On Saturday I went to my old roommate's 40th birthday party. I didn't know what to expect except that I would run into old friends/roommates I potentially hadn't seen in 10-15 years. I went, it was awkward at times, but really good. 

On Sunday I went to breakfast with some of those same folks. Wasn't sure what to expect, threw some ideas out there. It was really fun. My friend (past roommate) who had invited me to breakfast is different than the one who had the birthday. But both asked me to reach out, or even come visit (the ones out of town).   

Lately I've been doing this heart meditation, and one of the things you're supposed to do is cultivate a positive feeling in your heart. I've cultivated appreciation, gratitude, curiosity, openness, but one that has been particularly hard and also particularly moving is the feeling of being invited. My friend invited me into her home in New York to take care of her precious living things. My friends of old and new invite me to activities. People invite me all the time... and I don't always take them up on it... don't trust the invitation. 

But walking around the lake today after breakfast, I was thinking about -how did I lose all these nourishing fun/silly/adventurous friends?   And how nice it is that even a decade later they don't hesitate...  You are invited. You are welcome. You are weird and we know it. We want you around anyway.  As I was walking the lake -I was thinking about how I let go of so many of these relationships (for multiple reasons), but one of the reasons I lost community was that when people invited me -I didn't show up. And that when I became tired/disconnected/lost or hurt... I let go of the people who invited me into positive connecting relationship -often by holding tighter to the people who made me feel needed (but didn't quite fill my cup).  

At the soundbath I laid on the ground staring at the sky, watching bugs and birds, and occasional planes fly by. Watched the clouds float. Listened to the ringing, waves of sound, let them reverberate through me... felt myself resting on the Earth, recognized I'll never not be held by the Earth. That I am tied to this planet and can always trust that. 

At the party last night I watched people take risks for a joke, or to perform (there was karaoke) I didn't perform or feel the need to... but it was just such a fun atmosphere. Even the folks who picked songs that were way out of their ability... it was like the harder they tried the more you loved them. I dunno, it was just a really fun experience.  My friend shared that he lost some of his voice this morning after performing... and I was like... yeah but you created an experience for people that they didn't know could exist... and it was awesome. 

At breakfast this morning (4-5 of us) sat around eating, making jokes, being curious, being open, trusting that silliness was ok, trusting that seriousness was ok.  These are all friends from Morris and it was like -the old morris community. I missed that ability to flow in and out... to banter, to build off one another, to make call backs. I just appreciate these folks so much. 

I dunno... 

Tonight I might go see Hadestown (adapted for the movie theater) or "the Invite"

I guess I was planning on seeing the first, but now that I am writing this, wondering if I should see the second. What do you think? is there some sort of kismet thing?

Not sure what else to say. I have an hour to make the decision. Gonna do some breathing and meditating. Gonna do some dishes. Maybe a little work. Life is really good... 

but also still waiting for a change.