I woke up at about 3 am and couldn't fall back to sleep. I was able to rest. I was not restless. I was not overthinking, or tossing and turning. Sure my stomach was uncomfy... but nothing new. I wasn't able to fall back to sleep till after 4am. Which is when I had this nightmare.
The dream started off ok. I woke up early, too early. Someone else was waking up for their thing, but it was too quiet in the house, and I realized I'd not be able to get back to sleep. So I decided to go out on the town... to explore this place. Donuts. I had a feeling I'd been to this town before, probably in a dream, over there on the right is the place where that one thing happened, vagaries like that, over here is a coffee place... the kind of thing I do when I am traveling, map out a city in my mind, notice spots, notice them from a different approach to make the model 3d, to draw it out. I knew of several donut places, but I didn't want to just do a standard thing. I wanted to meet the moment of early morning adventure.
I found this small bakery/patisserie on the top of a building that I knew had some shops inside. How I got up there, I do not know. But I tried to read the menu board and couldn't. I asked for a smaller version of it thinking that I needed better glasses. It didn't seem to help. It felt like I was reading italian. The experience of it made me question my idea of adventure, maybe I am not up for this you know. But there were pictures, and in the pictures they had pastries that looked like a mix between a croissant and a slice of pie... pistachio, chocolate mousse, I worried about the dairy content, but by the time I was considering this, the morning crowds were forming. It was a very popular place. I am not sure if I ended up getting anything.
I found myself at a sort of construction job site. It was a warehouse of sorts, in which things were still being arranged. I found myself crawling on top of floor that was rapidly meeting the ceiling. I don't know why I kept inching forward, but eventually became stuck. The only way out, to inch backwards. I felt trapped and scared, the world was crowding in, I was shocked that anyone would ever make this. Eventually I was able to push myself back enough to get out, but the ordeal of it was distressing. I told someone, they nodded with a laugh -as if I should have known better.
I found myself in an office full of people. It was the gathering place for therapists before they went off to see clients. People were drinking coffee, chatting, prepping things. It was bustling, and at the same time, felt like everyone was confident of their role and place. I knew my schedule was open until later in the day. I had a supervisee (who was actually an old student of mine), followed by a couple of appointments. It was going to be an easy day, so I was enjoying the company.
(nightmare part) I woke up early. Confused. I felt like I had gotten a lot of sleep but I wasn't sure why, or what was happening. The day started fine, but I had this suspicion something was missing and couldn't place it. I started going through my motions, occasionally talking to people. Some gave me smirks like they knew something, others seemed oblivious. I tried to trace back the time...
I had been sitting in the shared room enjoying the company. It didn't go beyond that. My memory just hit a wall. I was supposed to see my supervisee, I had no recollection of that meeting. I was supposed to have a couple of appointments, I couldn't bring them to mind. What is wrong with me? I had to have been there right? I was already at work... but I couldn't convince myself that I had completed the tasks I couldn't remember.
Am I sick? Did something happen? I started to feel very unsure of myself, not just the loss of the memory, but what did this mean about my work if I can't complete tasks? What does it mean if I ghost clients? What was wrong with me? What if it happened again? What if I lost my job?
I was honestly worried sick, and somewhat afraid to ask. But forced myself to. But people's answers didn't make sense. They seemed to suggest I was fine, happy even.
Eventually I was in a room of people again. Colleagues, old friends, people I didn't know. I think there were layers of this where I was hearing about behaviors I did that weren't quite right. Someone suggested I left work to go have sex. I couldn't fathom that. My friend (who I haven't seen in 20+ years) said, I saw you eating a poptart and a hotdog, and I was just soooo thrown off by that. In what world would I be doing that? That doesn't make any sense... and then someone said you went home with those two girls... and it dawned on me that I had been drugged.
One of them was there in the room, or was later in the dream... and when I confronted her, she wasn't defensive, or hurt, or empathetic, or anything. She seemed almost giddy, she was so excited by what she had done, she felt empowered... and she didn't seem to think it had hurt me, even though I was crying and shaking with how violated I'd felt. She seemed to think she had done this brilliant thing (kind of like someone is manic and they only see their side as being important). She started talking about all the ways they had violated me, gone past my boundaries, and I couldn't... I felt validated in knowing the truth, but sooo shaken up.
I found myself later trying to explain why I was so upset. Even though I felt physically fine, and had no recall of any of these experiences (even when she talked about them -nothing came up). But the experience of having so many people aware of my behaviors and misinterpreting my experiences -without me knowing anything... I guess I realized I had to tell people the truth. I was drugged and raped.
I started trying to explain this to a group of friends and family, but they weren't really taking it seriously, and I snapped at one of them who made a comment that implied I was being dramatic. He apologized after... people didn't know what to do or say. I told them I knew I needed to press charges, but without any memories I didn't really care... the feeling of being violated and robbed of my memory, felt soooo -I don't even know the word. I just felt like the whole of me was thrown aside and now I was maybe not worthless... but like not of worth. Like there was nothing to be confident or center in anymore. I'd lost all of my self. Someone had plucked out my sense of self and the earned value... now I was basically just flesh to be played with. I wanted to die.
That was my conclusion. Not that I would kill myself. Not that I had a plan or anything...
I just was surrounded by friends and family, and it didn't matter anymore, I pressed my head to the table and mumbled it. And no one knew how to respond, so they just kept moving and whirling around me. I want to die.
Then I woke up... still feeling shaken and vulnerable. Wondering what it means. I spent the next few hours tossing, waking, thinking about it, wanting better outcomes. wanting to dream and not be awake. I had thoughts of those I knew have been sexually assaulted, I had thoughts of my own trespasses. I had thoughts of wondering if I would lose my sex drive over this dream which seemed to turn one person's pleasure into another's despair. In some ways, I want to claim this nightmare as a positive, an expansion of empathy? But I am also just really alarmed, creeped out by how viscerally I felt all of these experiences. (not the thing itself, but the aftermath).
I know I need to shift out of these thoughts and into my day... but it felt important to write them down.
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