I always forget how hard it is to feel intellectually productive in the summer. Something about the heat -zaps me of thought, and motivation to put that thought to paper.
I came home from the open mic the other day feeling inspired, but then felt like nothing I had to say mattered. I came home focusing on the things that are personal... or the things that are about the society at larger... and wondered if my voice matters, if I have anything unique to share or if I am really just adding to the noise. I concluded I was adding to the noise and should let others take up the space. I can just be a body. I think that has been a theme lately. I am a body at protests. I am a body and a wallet at benefits. I am a body contributing to the world, passing information on... but maybe my spirit and individual personality feel a little distant. I write this blog, to me... not really for anyone else you know. I haven't changed much in all these years.
Today I woke up and had breakfast with a friend at french meadow. She kept telling me things I told her in the past and I thought it was funny that my mind doesn't work that way at all. We talked about the world ending, and our personal journeys with trauma, and talked about travel, and new ventures.
I told myself on the way there that I shouldn't be so cynical and depressing. I've spent the last few days wondering what my role is in the end of the world. * Europe is experiencing tons of fires, heat waves about 100 degrees. They say all of southern Europe will become uninhabitable, meanwhile 50k refugees ran over the border into Ceuta (Spanish territory) to have entry into Europe. Meanwhile there is forest fire burning up a major city in Washington State. Meanwhile Haitians on TPS will soon be rounded up, causing huge chunks of the state of Ohio to suddenly have no workers... kind of like what happened in Nebraska. Meanwhile the actuarial tables around climate change say half the population could die within the next 30 years. Meanwhile AI is starting to commit crimes. Meanwhile sitting congress people are allowing the president to get away with robbing the country blind. Meanwhile a man was killed in Madison for raising a water bottle that police say looked like a gun. Meanwhile they are cutting medicaid, medicare and social security. Meanwhile premiums on health insurance have gone up because they are taking away the subsidies. Meanwhile the mayors of Minneapolis and St. Paul are allowing homeless encampment sweeps without relocating the people or providing shelters. Meanwhile there is still a genocide in Gaza, raids into the West Bank and Lebanon. Meanwhile the Straight of Hormuz is still shut down (which could be helpful for the climate issues), and the Red Sea is also being shut down. Meanwhile...
The death cult. The changing into the next economic system... "socialism or barbarism, the people or elon musk..." Speaking of Carsie Blanton I saw her last night at the Cedar and she looks the same in person. Its always funny how celebrities look like themselves... like people. It was a benefit concert for the 15, a mix of folk and punk and other stuff. I loved the music, kind of hated being amongst the crowded room. People kept backing into me because they were dancing and I felt bad for all the times I've taken up too much space. They encouraged talking to one another, and I felt like I had no desire to talk to anyone. Thats kind of been the story of the weekend... stranger danger. I went to a protest today and they also encouraged getting to know the people around you, and I was like... I'm alright. I probably looked like the FBI agent everyone was worried about.
I had hopes that this weekend would be productive in some way. But it was high 80s, and I was functional... but spent a lot of time in bed and doom scrolling. No creative writing, though I had ideas. No reading... just been hard lately. No art. I saw one friend, and attended some events, and got groceries and did laundry. Life is slow.
I had thought that the thing I would be writing about is the feeling of being amongst a crowd and not being interested... I feel that so much lately. No attraction to peeps in a way where I want to connect. Like I am a little put off by peeps, rather than excited to see them. (Not people I know... though maybe?) I just mean crowds, strangers, etc. I think of how weird I feel, how awkward, how it doesn't feel good to make small talk and say hi to someone next to me, knowing it won't matter. I wonder how long I've been feeling this way... what is wrong with me. Maybe I need some ecstasy -not for social anxiety, but for social desire. I am a curmudgeon again? I was feeling self conscious of my appearance throughout the concert. Everyone was wearing t shirts, punk stuff... meanwhile its me in my work uniform. Felt like I didn't have a freak flag, like I didn't fit in at shows anymore. I was once a more colorful person.... but I also don't want to keep up with appearances. I might give myself a hair cut this week before the trip...
I am going to New York next saturday. My mom volunteered to come pick me up (5 am?)... I told her I had planned to take the light rail. So used to being self sufficient I guess. This week... open mic? Therapy. No social stuff planned. New York will be a week alone. I keep thinking... should I try to meet people? I dunno.
I don't really know what I am doing I guess is the long and short of this. I feel like if I was in a relationship or had a family this behavior and doing relatively nothing would be acceptable... but I am single. The dishes are drying in the dry rack. The fridge is stocked for the week. The clothes are hung up. There is some mess, but nothing a few minutes wouldn't fix. No major bills. Nothing that can't be solved... There is half the weekend at least with literally nothing to show. I could have made more effort but I didn't want to. My life is kind of unmotivating and despite being so serious, its rather dismal.
I can count my blessings. I have so little need... I have so much privilege. I have so much going for me... but ultimately that's not enough. I feel disconnected.
I used to invite people over... I used to make people food... I used to organize activities, events, etc. I used to have people to talk to till 4 am. All that being said, I also used to feel anxious, like I wasn't enough and was doing it wrong, still felt like an alien amongst a crowd, still ran away for days, months to have time alone. I wandered the world alone. I wandered the world meeting people. I am not sure whats next. But this isn't it. I guess that was my conclusion this weekend. This isn't enough.
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