Dreams

 Just had a dream that E was pregnant. It was odd, like multiple hints about it in the dream, and then at the end like a “wait what?” 

But we seemed to be partners.  So I dunno. 

I don’t think I’ll be able to get back to sleep. But it sure feels nice to dream. 

Sometimes pregnancy in a dream just means a new idea or a change. Maybe it’s not for her? Maybe for me? 

After laying in bed another 20 minutes my mind drifted back to anger and drama with family.  I feel kind of crazy for wanting something I can’t have, and not knowing a better way. I feel like a brat, asking for things that would make me feel safe, like I could trust and respect them. I feel a great desire to be independent while also being lonely.   It’s crazy making. I know I am not entirely in the right, but it would be easier to remove myself (like leave the country) than to deal with it/ when I’ve already tried and it didn’t change anything. Maybe I need reinforcements, but the way the family is right now, my sister is fully dependent on my parents for daycare and likely money… any younger brother works with my dad every day, my older brother has fought these battles to stalemate half a dozen times and shared that nothing changed- he just didn’t want to keep the grandkids from them.

*Later in the day*

It is mid afternoon. I did two sessions then had my own therapy, then recovered and did another session with a client. 

In my therapy I basically regressed to a baby and hated every second of it. Felt helpless and scared. Felt like I didn’t have control over my body. Dissociated on and off. Kept going in and out of feeling like I had access to my brain.  Basically did brainspotting without trying. I cried, I shook, I stammered and bit at my fingers and thumbs.  I wanted to tear paper but found myself just folding it over and over. I don’t know if it had anything to do with my family stuff that we had been talking about, but I know it was the earliest body feelings that didn’t feel right. 

I imagined, though I didn’t want to say anything, that I was experiencing being a baby with a stomach ache that can’t be soothed or expressed. Or a baby getting a diaper changed by someone who I don’t trust fully. Maybe they are in a bad mood. There isn’t warmth or comfort, it’s feeling jerked around and out of control. 

And in the present with my therapist watching me freeze and cry and dissociate all I can think about is how embarrassing, I’m so nervous and shaky and I don’t want to be seen. I feel helpless and I want to respond to her, but I don’t have words, but I want to agree to the thing she is saying, but I also don’t want to. I am afraid. I know what is good for me, I know that she wants good for me, but I also don’t trust anything in that moment. Part of my desire to say yes is a fawn response, I’ll say yes if it pleases you. And I know that… but I also don’t want to feel alone and stuck in this feeling.

I want to push her away, I want to hide, I want to be anywhere other than where I am. 

There are multiple stories I’ve been told about my early childhood, but I forget them. I don’t have conscious memories. I have weird confusing dreams. For instance I know  I was abused by a baby sitter Or by their child - which was the story my parents didn’t believe. I was a baby with multiple bruises on my head and face… my mom was horrified. 

My dad tells this story about driving to mn with me as a baby in the middle of a blizzard. I could imagine he was anxious and upset. 

I can also just imagine both of my parents being tired and irritable and wanting to keep up with work, and being impatient with me. 

But in the session I didn’t know any of this, I didn’t have access to words or thoughts, and being watched in this state I only know helplessness, fear, and shame - a desire to be or do or say anything else other than sit with this feeling. 

And then on some level, I also know what comes out of that desire to hide. A desire to please, to keep people happy, to stay safe and avoid conflict even at the cost of my own feelings. Resentment, anger, controlling behavior. A desire to not allow others to harm me. Hyper independence. 

When I was with M, she would repeatedly go to these places where she was dissociative and not able to express herself. Part of me felt like she was lying to me and didn’t know what to say, but other times it seemed so genuine that she was just off, alone and that any support or comfort I gave wasn’t actually felt. Like she wasn’t capable of r receiving it. I am sure the end of our relationship was problematic for that. She just told me that she had disconnected when she felt like I’d left her, and I tried to reassure her I was right in front of her and she didn’t need to believe that story, but it was already resolved and suddenly I couldn’t cope with that. To be rejected and abandoned abruptly, to feel lied to and manipulated, to feel discarded so easily… and I became possessive and controlling and resentful. 

I can imagine her feeling like how I did to my therapist, like “I need you to not be present” I can’t feel safe right now.

I was able to acknowledge parts of that with my therapist. “Im nervous” “im worried you’re judging me” “I feel like I want to say no, but I also know it would be helpful,” “I literally want to push you away right now.”

And she was able to accept that.

With M I don’t think I was able to really accept that. I could say, “that makes sense” but I had my own need to be accepted. 

A week ago I was thinking about how I keep seeing repeated patterns, keep seeing the same people, different face, same energy, same person, g-d in drag… you know?

Today I feel like I was meant to run into these people. Feel like I’m meant to work through this struggle right now. To learn to be present for my baby self or my younger self… and stop self abandoning, and also be more able and present for others. More trusting because I can trust my own abilities to be there for me when it’s hard. 

I didn’t realize it… I was avoiding it.