More journaling this week

 There will probably be more because I am trying to stay off social media and I don’t know what to do with myself. Just spent the last hour fucking around with watercolors. 

I don’t have much to say. Last night I had a nightmare in which my partner and I got into a fight with my step sister, and I became physical, kind of forced her to the ground, then turned her into an ant and stomped on her. 

I spent the next hour in the dream fearing that what I thought I had done was real, and also fearing that it wasn’t real and she was out to get me. I walked the streets at night, i looked in her windows to see if she was there. I half lied to my partner to try to give her the benefit of the doubt. I wasn’t ever sure if I was a murderer or just some sort of fake… and I was so scared the whole time… I was angry and acted out, and then spent my life in hiding. 

It sounds familiar. 

It was an awful fucking nightmare. 

I had this idea the other day, what if I didn’t change who I was around other people… what if I was just always myself.  Around family, friends, work… what if I didn’t present myself but just was myself. Some part of that must have scared me. 

I still don’t know what to do about my family. Some part of me is also mad at them for seeming not to care. My step sister was mad at me for not showing up for her… not because she was worried about me. I guess that’s the relationship we have then eh?  

I’ve been wondering if I want to share any of this with my therapist. If I want to be more open about scary things.

I dunno if I trust her. 

Today my ankle hurt for no reason. I hope it wasn’t because of the massage yesterday. It just seems less steady, as if I had just twisted it. Each first step feels unsteady, makes me feel worried about New York. 

Today I missed E. For someone reason I specially missed the walks we’ve been on- even in the time we were friends. I haven’t reached out, because I felt like she was pulling back. But I miss her. 

Not sure what is store.  Tomorrow consult at night. Thursday open mic. Sunday brunch with a friend. 

Should probably do something else too… but it’s like 95 degrees out and kind of gross. Maybe I should be utilizing the pool that I pay for??? 

Clearly I have run out of things to say.