It was a good weekend… my friend rescheduled today. I got all the things done but don’t feel creative so I’m not writing. Maybe start a new book.
Had some grief, some loneliness, ate too much.
Don’t even know what to do with myself. I had a weird spread of tarot cards this morning that I couldn’t make sense of, seemed to go suggest waves… I guess that’s accurate, but not dramatic… just a moment here and a moment there. Like everything is moving forward, and everything is stuck. That’s how it’s been.
It’s still
Bright out and like 90+ degrees. I’m in bed. I’m gonna read and probably fall asleep and wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to get back to sleep.
Five Watts 7/11/26 2:20ish pm
I just finished the second book inspired by Adler “The Courage to be Happy.”
This one is also written in a sort of socratic dialogue, which made it annoying. I used to be really into that stuff, but when it is written out -it always takes on the form of one idiot -easily manipulated and one wise teacher, and that just isn’t real. Or the idiot doesn’t seem to be an appropriated stand in for me as a reader. Consistently I found myself thinking that the character was making really stupid arguments and “won over” when the argument had not been convincing. Not a lot of specific situations discussed etc.
That being said, the underlying philosophy was not entirely inconsistent with my beliefs. And also I felt myself challenged at times, which is good. But I am glad the book is over… even while I am already preparing to find another Adler inspired book that I am sure I have either read before or considered buying (The Art of Loving -Erich Fromm).
The most challenging part might be something that I’ve been wrestling with quite a bit lately. Premise: You’ll never grow up unless you love someone. Argument: loving is something you choose to do, not something you fall into.
-I’ll add some quotes from the books quick, but generally these things have been on my mind again as I wrestle with insecurity, anxiety and tension with my family.
P. 216
Philosopher: “self-reliance is not an economic issue or a work issue. It is an attitude towards life, an issue of lifestyle … At some point, the time will come when you resolve to love someone. That will be when you achieve separation from your childhood lifestyle and achieve true self-reliance. Because it is through loving others that we at last become adults.
Youth: “We become adults by loving?”
Philosopher: “Yes. Love is self-reliance. It is to become an adult. That is why love is difficult.”
So this is something I’ve been struggling with throughout my life. Generally I feel like I’ve become pretty self reliant in terms of finances, work to some extent, life style, meeting my material and logistical goals. When I asked my father for help with moving last year I felt really hurt when he wasn’t able to show up at the time we’d discussed. A few weeks later he was able to, but it had felt like an instant in which I needed to depend on him and he hadn’t shown up. But more so. I had been developing a friendship with my father in which I felt I could trust and work through difficult things. I had ended up talking to both my parents about my love for E, all my attempts to make it work, and all my attempts to let go… because it wasn’t sustainable. My parents loved me, and assured me they loved E and so it was comforting to have their support. And as the break up occurred… I suppose I also relied on that support more -since I didn’t have my partner of several years to confide in.
My parents have confided in me my whole life, so it felt like we were equals… but I realize with all the hurt/tension between my Dad and I now, that I was reentering this childhood thing -or maybe had never truly found the exit.
P233
Philosopher: “You are standing now at the edge of the dance floor of life and just watching the dancing people. You are assuming that ‘there couldn’t be anyone who would dance with someone like me,’ while in your heart you are waiting impatiently for your destined one to reach their hand out to you. You are doing everything you can to endure and to protect yourself, so that you do not feel any more miserable than you do already and so that you do not begin to dislike yourself.
There is one thing that you should do. Take the hand of the person beside you, and try to do the best dance that you can possibly do in that moment. Your destiny will start from there.”
I resonate so strongly with this internally. Throughout all of my relationships from family to friends to coworkers to partners… I hold back. Sometimes it literally is the fairytale thing, some dream that happened 15 years ago and that I hold on to. Other times that weird feeling of chemistry. Attraction. Feeling needed. Or -As the authors suggest in another section, “you’re waiting for some kind of collateral.”
I think the thing that was so hard with E, is that I’d come to that conclusion beforehand, and tried to convey it to her. Tried to say I wanted a relationship in which both people were entering clear eyed, not putting one another on pedestal, entering into an agreement to support and rely on one another. To embrace the challenges together. That I was taking her hand, and that it felt risky, and that there were things she could do to show me that she was taking my hand… and she didn’t do them. She showed me other ways… took my hand in other ways that changed me, inspired me, etc. But ultimately, I still felt insecure and over time felt taken advantage of. Not that she didn’t love me, but that she couldn’t trust me and I couldn’t trust her.
SO I find myself back in that place of being a child. Of looking for what is destined* instead of who is next to me. I don’t find a whole lot of folks next to me, is part of it. But also, I keep wanting greater collateral than I’d had, because each time I invest I find myself shaken… have to start over, and so I desire more of a commitment.
It also comes with this whole recognition and really stepping into the idea of being codependent/caretaker… like, I can’t keep stepping into the same role and expecting different results. I need a partner who shows up consistently, who problem solves with me, rather than waiting for me to figure things out. Who takes on their own difficulties and challenges, rather than making them mine to deal with. And I need to do that too… part of me doing that is saying I need to take responsibility for who I choose to love, because I chose all of these people (who I still love and adore), but who weren’t able to show up in our relationship in the way either of us needed.
The other night I was thinking about J and whether I’d made a mistake by ending our relationship while traveling. We’d had a great three months while traveling… but we were both in the middle of big transitions in our lives, and I had no idea whether our actual lives were compatible at all. It was the equivalent of 90 day fiancé but only during the honeymoon. That didn’t feel like enough to go on. She went to gradschool after, so did I.
Lately I think about how easy it must have been for M to make the decision that I wasn’t enough. I was exiting grad school, fresh in a new career. Didn’t have my own place. Didn’t have many friends. Was perpetually insecure… and didn’t trust her or myself really.
Ewww.
In the book the philosopher says of the youth’s past relationships:
“But you hope was not to be happy, was it? It was simply the desire for things to be easier.” (p 235). Is that my desire?
Life was not easy with E or M… but it was so much easier than doing things on my own for the most part. Easy to play a role. Easy to think about someone else instead of my own feelings and set boundaries. Easy to make excuses as long as I had companionship. Easy to get stuck and not take the steps forward I needed to… because I could use their indecision or lack of communication as an excuse to not make my own choices. With J, I made a choice to pursue my life… and it was probably the right one… even though I fell more in love after we broke up -both of us trying to make a life in the world again.
I still have no desire to move to Australia… and as far as I know she is happy with her dude.
But I guess what I am saying… is that I think Adler is right on this one. I think the reason I’ve been feeling so incredibly insecure, and struggling so much with the tension with my Dad, is that I am feeling like a child again, when I thought I was moving towards adulthood. I think I’ve fallen back into beliefs about things being fated, because I am afraid of making something happen or changing my routines. I think that is why I am trying to step into discomfort and go out more, to give myself opportunities minimally each week -just to have the choice. I notice that on the nights I am home alone… and have decided I am staying in. It’s like… oh you’ve given up on the possibility of making a new choice tonight. The Devil card in tarot… which is Capricorn energy…
But I think it will require more of me to step into adulthood.
Life:
I realized today that I fucked up with my taxes (again). I should have paid them last month, but I thought three months from April was July not June… I felt really stupid. But anyway. I paid a bunch of cash today. Likely everything will turn out ok. I think I am making enough money to keep the bills paid even if there are penalties or late fees.
Yesterday I talked to insurance and got all of Jan -April squared up for 4 clients. That should be like 5k. One more to do but its Medicaid and they said to check online.
Reconfirmed with JS today that NYC is happening. I am starting to get excited and look stuff up. Maybe a couple days in Brooklyn and Queens, a day in the Bronx, a few days in Manhattan. I was trying to figure out if I should take a quick jaunt to New Jersey or way out on Long Island. Probably not necessary. I decided a future trip could be DC and Baltmore, or Philadelphia and something…. Maybe I’ll do the east coast a week at a time all by my lonesome.
In the fall I am doing a training my therapist recommended. I am looking forward to it. She asked me if I wanted to join a group she is starting for men (focused on adult children). At first I was interested and as she started sharing more, I realized I wasn’t. I was kind of turned off by the session on the whole. It seemed like she was really excited about her new project, but wasn’t all that invested in my life -and neither was I… so kind of hard to keep the energy or focus. As it became more about her… I wondered why I was paying 180$ for this and why I would want to pay more in the future for a group in which I’d probably end up feeling like I need to jump into my role. Maybe they all would too… but meh.
The networking thing the other day kind of felt like that too. I know I was not in anyway like the specialist or expert… but I felt more knowledgeable and somewhat responsible for keeping up dialogue. Felt a little like performing rather than chilling. Felt like I had to be charming so as not to be awkward. The lady who presented seemed really interesting. V was there, and I was reminded that she does ExRP for OCD… and that she has dogs and is invested in them. Its funny… she seems charming too, but she doesn’t need to perform. The hosts of the event did the bare minimum after setting up. They passed out stuff for the quiz, they gave us a tour, but they didn’t necessarily facilitate… they let us be adults I guess.
I am so used to being a facilitator, jumping into the role. Its not that I dislike it… I like it, its just not fully truthful. I am uncomfortable so I jump to fill in the gaps.
The nice thing is that my reaching out to the consult got people checking in again. We might end up having some get togethers -seems like everyone wants it… SO even if the networking event was kind of a bust, a chance to connect with others for the future. Having a consult group 1-2 a month would probably help a lot.
Yesterday after feeling reasonably productive… I went for a walk in the 85 degree heat and felt like I was gonna pass out. Got some Cains, with the idea that I was gonna go to a 9pm movie, and then fell asleep at 7:45 -woke up a couple times to turn over, but didn’t really wake up till 11pmish. I was feeling like I missed out. Still kind of do.
Tonight R and I are going to a 1 hour performance by a poet I saw at the open mic a few weeks ago. I felt like it was something to do. Its about their coming to terms with their gender -for the most part. We will grab some dinner beforehand.
Part of me is a little disappointed I won’t make it to the movie this weekend. (Its at riverview at 9pm -so unless I am feeling daring… probably wont make it at all).
Tomorrow another friend for dinner?
Not sure… I should probably try a new church. -all the leaders I like left mine.
Other than that… most of my tasks for the weekend will be complete. Got an oil change. Paid taxes… maybe a little prep for next week.
I want to do some creative writing (which I might be procrastinating right now). But also wanted to finish reading this book… so maybe I’ll write a chapter today or tomorrow.
I am kind of hoping this performance tonight is inspiring.
Tarot keeps saying big changes are coming. Maybe it reinforces the magical thinking -divine timing – destined love… but I think the readers always say, it starts with a change you make.
What changes am I willing to make? How am I stepping into life? DO I have the courage to be happy?
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