Energy work
Went out to the border of Wisconsin to see an energy
worker. Wasn’t entirely sure what to expect as it seems they are all a little
different. I liked her space, art and spiritual items on the walls and shelves,
jewelry for sale, butterflies over the bed space, a nice scent, low light.
To be perfectly honest I kind of had a hard time taking in
the person. I guess I was trying to notice where I was at and how I felt.
Vulnerable. And in that space I don’t make as much eye contact. She seemed to
be able to pick up on the things I was thinking a few seconds after I had
thought them, sometimes slightly off.
I can’t remember what I wrote in my intake form, but she was
prepared.
She introduced me to a few larger concepts I hadn’t
visualized or considered before but generally I was familiar with 90% of what
she was sharing, and to some extent she overshared… or, I got it, and kind of
tuned her out to notice what I was experiencing, including my desire to
intellectualize things. But it was all pretty clear cut even though she shared
for a bit.
I think the energy work part also mirrored what I
was experiencing overall.
It is so hard to allow myself to be attended to. To trust that someone is able to do so,
without their own agenda, without their needs being met first.
She acknowledged this going in, “hey let me take care of
myself, let me clear the space, that’s the part you’re paying for.” I share similar sentiments with my clients.
This is your space, your time, let me adjust and do my own work, you have no
need to attend to me.
(Which maybe sometimes is a lie?)
But anyway… to some extent I was tuning her out because what
she was sharing already made sense to me, and she was explaining to allow me to
get comfortable with the procedure and it was helpful, but I picked up what she
was putting down.
She did give me some flowery language that felt good, but
that I didn’t fully trust. She said you have a strong hara line (which
she explained), but there is a disconnect with your aura, like they aren’t
talking to one another… meaning in essence, you have a great ability to be
integrated/connected/aligned in a durable sturdy way, but it isn’t resonating
outward to the environment -as in you know you’re capable, but you’re
masking/disconnected. Which she acknowledged.
So the way she would integrate was to use the heart chakra
as a gateway between the spirit and the body, and sort of integrate/open/expand
not just the flow of the connection between these chakras but then outward into
the larger field. And it all made sense to me energetically and intellectually.
But on the table… a different thing.
She asked me to basically ground into my heart space, and I
can do that easily. Bring to mind gratitude, appreciation, etc. Again, most of
the time easily… breathe into them, expand… ok why can’t I breathe?
Then after settling into that rhythm, relaxing a little bit
into that centeredness she switched to the upper chakras and at times I felt a
little aware of my furrowed brow, the heaviness in my mind… but again more
easily integrated. Then she switched to my sacral, and solar plexus … and again,
why don’t I know how to breathe, to relax, to sit with, to be attended to.
These great judgments that held me locked into place. And this desire to open
up, to let go, to be held and understood… such great desire to be known and
cared for… but the fear so much stronger. Not just those judgments -why don’t
you know how… but underlying them, why are you so afraid, why don’t you believe
you deserve it, why do you push this away so strongly?
I started crying, turned away, couldn’t breathe. She told me
I was doing good, that I wasn’t alone, that it was ok. And my inner judge that
keeps me safe was very much defensive to those statements. Made me want to
laugh. “I’m not alone? Really?” “I’m
ok? I don’t even know how to let someone
get close to me without being afraid.” “I’m doing good… yeah right. Every part
of me wants to turn away right now.”
She told me after there is a lot of grief there. I think
that’s the nice way to put it… grief is the underlying emotion, grief and hurt,
loneliness, rejection, self abandonment, abandonment by others… there is a
tremendous amount of grief there, but its coming up as trauma. It’s coming up
as unsafe/and judgy.
If I have access to my brain, or my heart in this case I can
try to remind myself… but multiple times I had to open my eyes to remind myself
where I was, and that it was ok. Afterwards as we were debriefing a little and
scheduling another appointment I started dissociating a lot. It was wild how
unreal everything felt… I was just gone -either locked into thoughts… or just
not present at all. I was able to get through it. Settled myself in the sun
walking around the parking lot and the sidewalk… but
I am sooo comfortable and safe in my head. I can get to my
heart easily… but beneath that? To
integrate with this body, to feel grounded can be so hard sometimes.
I’ve been doing a lot of meditations around feeling rooted…
around breathing through each chakra. I think she could sort of tell that I
have the ability to do these things… but they require safety and effort. Let go, let someone else take care of you?
Place their hand on your stomach, or your heart… oooh.
I felt better after. Good enough that I almost said hi to
someone in chipotle just because I liked their smile… But I also feel sad for
myself.
This is pretty much the same space I got to with doing
trauma work the last couple times. There is a vulnerability that is just soooo
uncomfortable…and like so many layers of protection, trying to keep me
separate, trying to keep me from going there.
On the long drive home, part of me reviewed some of my
recent experiences of feeling attended to, welcomed, appreciated… how awesome
it felt, how much difficulty I had trusting it.
How many times have I avoided someone else’s genuine intention to just
love me? Why does it feel so unsafe to
do so.
This morning and yesterday, I was missing E. I was missing
our relationship. Missing coming home to her. Having a partner. Having someone
who I can share my days with. As I was driving out to this energy appointment I
was shifting that grief into gratitude… how lucky was I to have such a
beautiful experience? And you don’t need
to go to that next place, because the lopsidedness was also true. SO just be
grateful and send some love and light…
But on the way home I was considering how I felt taken
advantage of in multiple relationships… never really asserting my needs except
with boundaries I’ve held since I was a kid (can’t eat that, have to wash my
hands, etc.). How I was certainly left with the feeling at times that my needs
didn’t matter, that my heart and my attempts to love weren’t good enough and I
hadn’t earned approval or trust or love… And even if that wasn’t the impression
they were trying to leave me with (EG. E…) that because she wasn’t in a good
space it was the truth anyway. And I can
acknowledge because I didn’t feel safe in any of these relationships, I also
held back, had doubts, put up walls when I could have let them in… but they
hadn’t made it safe to do so… or couldn’t.
The interplay of I can show my own heart a lot of
appreciation… I can even remind myself of positives others have shared, their
welcome, their gratitude -but to let someone else hold my heart?
So I guess that’s my thing to keep working on…
Sunday Self Assessment
It's about 3pm
Today I went and got groceries, cut up some stuff, will have ribs in the oven before I go to a cultural show... (Flamenco dancing-saw it online and thought, why not). Most of the day I've felt like I am not doing enough, not being enough... in part because I don't have any feedback or anyone to share the day with. It's all me you know.
Around 11 I realized that other than many daily productivity, I basically assess myself under one metric and always come up short. I am not in a relationship. People will point out I have had multiple careers, have a successful business, maintain an apartment, have long time friends, connections around town, traveled the world, savings in my bank... etc. But I don't have a relationship or kids... so -
It's not a very fair standard is it? Totally dismisses so many things I have done, put time and effort into... lives I've impacted for better and worse.
I've been trying to be more fair to myself recently, to invite in new opportunities to see myself and my world differently. Go to a flamenco show. Go see a play. Go try a new activity. Indulge in an old activity you love. Go travel. Make a new dish... and each of these things does add a memory or new experience, and I really enjoy it. but I also often come up feeling short still.
I went to see a movie last night around 7pm (my two big activities yesterday -energy work, and a movie). I really liked the movie. It felt like something a little underhanded, like half the audience wouldn't be in on the joke. It was sexual, and gross, and kind of romantic, and weird... and it was exactly the kind of thing I love but never share with anyone. I was in a theater full of people laughing along, cringing at the same spots, uncomfortable by the gross parts, questioning their own morality... and when we walked out together I could tell other people enjoyed it, wanted to talk to their friends about it, stood around outside the theater to chat. And I went home. Played a computer game till midnight. Woke up again around 9 am to do it over again.
I guess what I am saying is. I know its not really fair to me. But I also feel like its sort of inevitable that I would feel this way because all the positive things I do, also make me question why I am doing them alone.
I thought about connecting with people in my building. For some reason my small interactions with them don't make me drawn to the idea. Maybe go to trivia a block away and ask folks to do that? low stakes. easy enough. Fun... I might try it. But just not sure how to meet my people.
I've been thinking since I came home from New York that I am not satisfied with just a private practice. Maybe get back into teaching? But today I was thinking about how eager I am to give away my free time to this new idea of working... when part of the reason for going into private practice was to have more work life balance. Like... wait a minute. This will be a job. Why am I trying to work more? And I know its because I am bored... but why not take a class myself then? Why not try out something where I am meeting peers? Why go hang out with presumably younger people for a few hours a week (working)... and not just create my own workshops?
I dunno.
All that is to say. I think I live a really good life. I feel very blessed, and I have a lot to be grateful for. I have had more opportunities than a lot of folks, and though I am risk averse to a great degree... I've set myself up in a way that I can pursue basically anything I want to do. But I am... lonely. Its very easy to judge myself when I am feeling so proud, and also so alone.
This week should be easy enough... basically 5 people a day. Therapy on Wednesday I think. A birthday party on Saturday. This flamenco thing tonight followed by hopefully tasty ribs. Trivia? Open mic? Research jobs and update my resume? Practice my spanish... day dream about the future.
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