It’s thursday night. E was here till about 20 minutes ago. In my head I sang RENT “just came to say, ‘goodbye love goodbye.” As we hugged before she left. Simba is still here along with most of her stuff. “It feels awkward.” She said, as she prepared to pack… and I couldn’t help but remember past goodbyes with other loves.
I made dinner, neither of us could eat much. We talked about the past month and beyond, the accumulated hurts and misunderstandings. In many ways the repair we’d been trying to have for a long time. We both know each other too well, and yet had been full of assumptions and bad intent, and defensiveness and resentment - so nothing was getting through for weeks.
We got through it… but then what? I asked her if she had been thinking at all about her stuff, (she had already confirmed she wouldn’t be moving back in due to the environment being triggering). She said she hadn’t.
I could tell she hadn’t really been planning much in regards to where she would live, waiting to see what would happen between us, even if she didn’t want to live here anymore….
We talked again after she packed. I told her the reason I wanted to stay broken up - is that I didn’t trust that we wouldn’t fall right back into the same patterns, me caretaking, her feeling that I was judging her.
She said she would be willing to fight through the fear. I said that hadn’t been her recent behavior and that it was hard to trust things would change just because she said they would.
She said my doubts leave her uncertain, too much fog, and it would be preferable to just say it.
I said I didn’t trust yet, that I needed time to change. That I needed her to take the time to show me the changes. She said that felt like me doubting her again, and I said -see that’s what I’m afraid will happen.
She asked. I said it’s better that we are broken up for now.
I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to hurt her. But I look back at the last two years and don’t see the evidence for the changes I need to feel secure in an equal partnership.
Maybe I never will. Maybe I’ll be alone forever because I can’t trust people… but it felt like she was saying just trust me again… and I was honest that I couldn’t.
How is it different from past relationships?
Maybe because it was basically care taking from the beginning… maybe because I never had that much distance from her. Maybe I love E’s heart sooo much that I downplayed so many of the other things that continued to bother me.
I don’t know how to have a healthier embrace… but I feel like I put the effort in… and as much as I love her as a person, I’m no longer in love. Maybe that could come back if she gave me the time. But she’s probably right, it would just drag it out more.
I was looking at her tonight, almost like she was a new person. She’s lost weight. She looked fierce but not the defensive -irritable fierce I’ve seen lately. More like a warrior. It was cool. But also I wasn’t drawn in.
I’m sad that I can’t be enough for her, and she enough for me… or I guess that we aren’t matched well. But despite the chaos and ups and downs, I also feel like it’s been a really lovely companionship until recently.
Maybe I’m wrong… maybe I should double down on heart… but I don’t have it in me. I’m an old curmudgeon.
I love her, I want her to go experience the world and claim her spot in it again. But at least for now…I can’t be by her side when she does it.
I call on all the angels and guides and what not to bring me a match when yall think I’m ready.
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