Break ups

E and I just broke up. Im not sure how I am, or what it means, but Ive  been feeling very guarded for weeks, and shes been saying she doesn't feel safe at home (when Im not here), and the vibe has been very off. Ive gotten defensive and reactive - felt like she was implying I wasn't  doing enough despite the fact that on and off throughout our relationship I was doing more than my share. 

 I wrote her a long email today saying it felt like I needed space to figure out how not to be a caretaker, how not to be codependent. She asked why she should trust me to take her to her doctors appointments next week. I said if she doesn't trust me after all I've done, then whats the point. I was hurt. She said I was acting out of obligation not love, and maybe she was right. 

Maybe I dont know how to love people or be loved. 

She said I tried to show her I loved her in ways she didn’t perceive as love… and Im sick of trying to prove my worth, my love. I felt the same to her. Felt like id asked for all the ways for her to show up for me, she didnt act on them. So it wasnt a good fit. But i still love her… and yet, shes right, im not in love with her right now. I want to stay in her life, but im not loving towards her. And shes not towards me. I always told her she could push me away, and  it felt like she was trying to on the phone, she had decided I would be the bad guy. So I just said fine. Im done. 

It was dumb. The whole thing is dumb.   

Now what?

I dont have a car. She has all of her stuff intermingled with mine, it’s basically a divorce. We live together, but she isnt comfortable here. 

I’ll miss her family. She’ll miss mine. I’ll have to figure out how to not become a total hermit or run away to india.

Will I move? Will I quit my job? Will i start that business or not?

For over two years, I had this idea that if I ever died at least E would be able to pay off her debt. At least she’d be ok.

For the last few years, she has been my hope that the future was ok, that even though it would be hard, id have someone to do it with. But it felt more and more like i was carrying the weight and then being blamed for it. 

I want a partnership.  She sent this song to me today that was rather lovely and talked about doing things together, taking turns with the hard times… but if one person always has hard stuff, how does the other get their turn?