Meaninglessness

 Ive noticed the grief and loneliness are the worst at night and in the morning. Ive noticed it hits me the hardest when im hungry, and then sometimes im even less hungry. 

Today was a good day. I accomplished my goals. I saw illy and my mom. I even texted a bit with E- telling her i was looking for a house. Trying not to fall back into the old pattern because i dont want to lead her on, but I want to say I miss you. But I didnt really. I implied I was moving forward with my life. And she said congrats, even though she meant - it hurts me to hear that. 

I took a nap. I woke up around 5:30 the time id normally get home from work and be starving… I woke up, and nothing seemed enticing, nothing all that positive or fulfilling. I could have gone right back to sleep. I felt a little under the weather. I went through the motions, did my spanish lesson, read a book, played a game on my phone, watched a bunch of videos. I perused houses on zillow and the database my realtor has. 

 I stared at the blank walls of my apartment. Considered how empty it will soon be, this void of space that used to be filled with her and her stuff.

No wonder ive been so into shopping lately. No wonder I was desperate to buy a house. Trying to fill the void. 

The rest of the week will be easier-  tomorrow i work till 7. Then I’ll eat and go to bed. Wednesday i have my art class. Thursday? Maybe I’ll meet trick or treaters at the door… the weekend?   Try to find more houses to visit, open houses.. see what i like. Next week take on more clients, bring the paperwork home so that i have something i have to do. 

Art materials have been on my table for a week and I haven’t touched them.  

I have a half written book i could return to. 

I have vacations I could plan.

I have friends and family, and a church. 

I could take a class. I could teach a class. I could get a cat when she takes Simba who has been a constant in my life since i moved in… (he loves me, sometimes shed even be jealous). 

I dunno.  What do you do when you dont know what is next?    Or it takes time for the next thing to arrive? 

I suppose it’s just sitting with the meaninglessness, the loneliness, the loss and heartbreak. 

I must seem so cold when I talk to other people they dont see me crying every day. I must seem so put together and determined to the outside world. Bold… when really I’m - well I suppose part of me is that… its not really im different, its, I am also so vulnerable and sad and scared of living an unloved life. I think I've been caretaking so that i feel worthy. But Id like a partner who is my equal. Someone capable, creative, compassionate, smart, passionate, funny and silly, worldly, but also comfy to chill at home, who knows the struggles but can be grateful.

Sometimes when I was with E or M, Id catch myself recognizing i was settling for something because it’s so easy for me to be content. To enjoy being in relationship… but I wasn’t happy. I didn't see myself happy going forward… just more struggle over and over.  It’s not that i dont love these people… I still think of them and pray for them all… it’s just, not for me. 

But what is?