End

 This morning i woke up crabby and depressed. I had therapy at 8, and by 9 i felt better. Felt like i was validated in my decisions. Felt like i was starting to trend in the right direction. I had a pretty light day at work. Then elsa asked me to go for a walk. 

On Tuesday she had been crabby with me, on Wednesday she seemed fine, today? I wondered where she was at and why she was asking. 

She apologized for Tuesday as we walked around the nature center. We talked about how things had been and where we were headed individually. She might get a job in forest lake, shes doing better, she is seeing people ans going out to places. She feels better and is ln different meds. She doesn't want to manipulate me, she doesnt want me to feel like im hurting her, but she does want me to reach out only if im ready to talk- to put in effort again. 

I told her im in the same position i was, but realized that wasn't quite true. I recognized she wouldn't move forward if i didn’t tell her to. I told her she needs to think of us as done. She told me she cant be friends. She told me shed come get her stuff with her sisters when they had the change. She told me to take care of her cat for the next few weeks. We said goodbye. 

I had realized that my heart wasnt in it to fight. The lead her on was cruel now that i knew. But I wasnt really wanting to say goodbye. 

I feel the grief as a numbing ache all over. It’s real now. I dont owe her anything and yet. Tower moment. Tumbling down. 

In my dream the other night we broke up and then i was attacked.  Maybe the death of one thing and then the next?

My therapist said what my mom said, take a vacation not a 6 month trip. Make these trips sustainable, do them a few times a year. Start your husiness. 

I had this thought today, maybe if I set a time in the future… if nothing has Changed then in 2 years i take a longer trip?  

I dunno everything seems kind of dull right now. Thats how it felt this morning.  A longing, an ache, a dullness where there was once purpose and connection… even if it wasnt fully sustainable. 

The thing that is bugging me the most is that I knew a long time ago, but didnt listen to my worries or that intuition, denied it again and again in the name of turning into a new me, listening to the loving part as much as I could, the compassionate part, trying to be the best of me.  And then it didn't work.. because I also have needs. When she started implying I wasn't doing enough and that what i had been offering wasn't love (and maybe its true) suddenly i just couldn’t anymore.  I stopped being in love. I dont want to hurt her, i still have plenty of love. I just cant give it away anymore… and it feels super mean of me to say that.

 I gotta figure out how to love and be loved reciprocally. That is a tall order for me.