Meh

Feeling drained. Felt kind of sick/fatigue earlier so i didnt go to my art class, but then regretted it after i made dinner. Not sure why my typing skills on this thing have been so off. 

Last night E made some comments, set some boundaries. It felt rude, so i barely responded. Then i had drama in my head all night. Tried to go to bed early. Woke up in the middle of the night and couldnt sleep for an hour or so, finally fell back asleep and the cat woke me up. Fell back asleep and had a weird dream that turned into a nightmare. Woke up and couldnt sleep. It was something like 5 or 5:15. 

In the dream there was some sort of party, and E and i were struggling to communicate. She said something flippant and walked out of the house -intent to leave. I followed her, telling her that her comment wasnt true. By the time she was in her car or waiting for the ride or whatever, she was basically acting like a little kid -whining “no.” Over and over. I realized I would never solve it. That i couldnt get through to someone who didnt want to hear me. I gave up. It was sad. But i also felt relief. I walked back into the party and the first older man i saw i said something somewaht flippant but also like cheering him on, it was something like “youre free now.”   Maybe the old man was me? It didnt matter. I turned a corner and the party was no longer present. 

An eery soundtrack started playing as i went through my empty house. I turned another corner and a man yelled in terror- caught off guard. He struck me with a roll of duct tape and I fell backwards to the ground. As i was falling I realized he was taping and amputated leg at the knee. He swung at me again with the tape but couldnt reach me, i noticed he was held back by his other hand which was handcuffed near the ceiling.  He tried to stomp on me with his amputated leg. 

I woke up in terror.  The scene replayed over and over and i began to wonder why he was attacking me. It seemed scary to realize that he thought i was the threat. If the man attacking me was not the threat, then who or what was?  

It was an ok day at work, but i felt likeni was mostly going through the motions. Its felt like that a bit lately.  Grief. 

I keep trying to remind myself to just stay present with the feelings. No need for drama or what ifs. Trust the universe, stay present, experience what is - rather thab urning it into something else.  

The loneliness, the grief, the guilt, the desire for companionship and love—- well they sometimes make me want to fight for the relationship again.   But if after 2.5 years im still on the fence. Dont I owe it to her and me - to say i cant promise you the future we both want?

Ingo back and forth… but if im honest with myself… I want something better.  I might regret it… but a chance at something healthier, lesa imbalanced.

Hard to love someone and let them go. Not the first or last time.