For some reason this song has been one of the ones that makes me cry. Sometimes I put it on repeat to stay with it.
This week has been funny. Last weekend or earlier this week my mom sent me a house listing around the block from her. For some reason the idea of buying the house stole my attention this week, and I got it into gear. I applied to be approved for a loan from the bank. I got a realtor. I told my therapist I might buy a house. I saw it on Saturday and though it wasn't quite the thing I wanted, I almost convinced myself to buy it.
Saturday night after seeing it with my Mom and Grant, I drove around the east side of Saint Paul and tried to convince myself I'd have a new area to explore. New hang outs. Places I could invite people.
I hoped a dream or something would say "YES" but even though that didn't happen, all the signs of moving forward seemed to be pointing me to get it... I started fantasizing about what I wanted to do with each room. How I'd manage the lawn. I tried to tell myself some of the downsides were temporary or I'd just avoid them... I was sure I should go forward with it. Then on Sunday before pulling the trigger, I decided to go to an open house of another place... walking in, it felt more comfortable... felt more like something I could manage without having too much hassle. I didn't like the whole house, but I could see myself easily in the space. And I realized I needed to slow down. That actually if I listen to myself, I don't want an old house where I have to deal with slanted floors and the wood making none of the furniture fit right. I just want something solid with good lighting, and a neighborhood I enjoy.
I told my mom I was sure I was doing well with the grief, and that even though I recognized some impulsivity in this whole house thing... it was ok. Later I walked out of her house and the only person I wanted to call to talk about the house with was E. Wanted her opinion. Wanted her to be excited. Wanted her input on how to decorate and make it a home. I drove around that night trying to tell myself it was ok, but things kept reminding me of her absence as my companion.
This morning at church I couldn't stop crying. Snot and tears. Why didn't we ever go in person?
I walked around noticing the yards and wanted to point them out. Went to the second house, and realized how little I have to fill a home...
Tonight, I thought about how I don't have a project (no new home this weekend), and even though I don't have work tomorrow, I sort of dreaded the feeling of the future without a solid goal. I know I needed to eat and that was playing into it...but everything started to feel alien and stupid. I missed having my companion. I missed cooking for someone, or planning my night based on them, or having someone to check in with, or run errands for, or make a future with.
I've been though this before... but I guess its hitting me tonight more so... just the total lack of a future...
Why hasn't it been hitting all week? maybe having a house project... maybe all the tarot videos that tell me Im on the right track and things will change soon. Maybe... I dunno.
At church they had that quote about faith in action, If I were arrested for being a person of faith (a UU) , would there be enough evidence to convict me? And it makes me kind of question whether I am doing anything of importance? My life as a therapist is so minimal, sealed off, isolating.
What do I want to do to have a bigger life? I've been more active lately... but I probably can't keep it all up you know...
I don't really know what I want or where I am going. Thought I did, but I fool myself so easily. That's kind of the thing with the house... I'm caught off guard by how easy it was for me to delude myself... and get excited and -I know I am the type that I would have made either of those houses work. I can put up with a lot... but the whole point of this was that I was gonna start doing things for me. And me... who is that guy? what's he got to do with anything.
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