Regret?

 E is starting to get her things, she took down reminder notes and affirmations we had given to one another.  She has cleaned out a few areas and put post its on other stuff to either let me know she is taking it, or that she will leave it for me. The tv in the bedroom she is leaving. The other one she will take eventually.  Logistically she has no where for it all to go right now, but she will pack and organize. Shes asked me not to pack for her. 

I came home and the small changes were devastating. It would be different if i was angry, but im not. Im disappointed. Im disappointed that we cant seem to make it work and that over time our lives have not gotten easier. 

Im reminding myself again and again of how it felt when she acted helpless. Reminding myself of all the opportunities there are to do things, go places, find a better healthier fit. But it’s hard when i also loved this life. I was content to not go those places because I enjoyed being her partner, enjoyed hanging out with her, enjoyed the routine comforts and the home she created here. 

It could have gone on that way. It could have changed and id have been happy to go it with her. But instead it suddenly was my responsibility alone, and i just couldn't keep doing for her when I knew she was capable. It was the prove to me games, the how can i trust you, that really caused me to doubt. Suddenly i was questioning these things i had thought were solid. Suddenly i was doing that thing in my head where you think “it would be easier if…” and suddenly when she pushed - i said enough. 

I am simply trying to enforce the boundaries that would allow me to love myself and her.  But that was too much. 

She told me she cant sit with the ambiguity, the door not quite shut. So i told her we can shut it then. 

In the last few days Ive hung out with friends, tried new things, explored new places. Ive returned to old places that made me feel good, places i would have shared with her if shed been open to it. Ive told people what would work better for me -Rather than catering to what i thought they wanted. It’s been really good. This weekend has been a really good weekend… but ive been crying so much today and i just feel so heavy with hurt and sadness. It burns in my chest. All the things i havent said because i didnt feel theyd be heard. And now… now she is moving out of my life.

And she isnt being mean. But she is hurt and angry. She is wondering why i wont keep trying to make it work like i did in the past. She is probably feeling rejected. 

AND she has made it clear she cant move back into this home anyway.  Even if we were to try, it would be packing up anyway. She cant live out of a suitcase at her sisters house. She cant stand to be in the home she made here… and she didn't put in effort to find us a new one.

Maybe it’s all unfair, maybe she wasnt in tbe place to do so. 

Maybe all this regret and questioning is ridiculous. I asked G-d and the universe and whatever was looking out for me to help me change the course back to being in alignment. 

I couldnt make the changes i needed to.   

Maybe we can meet again when we are both doing better. But i cant keep doing this caretaking thing. 

Still, I’ll probably keep crying as she goes. It’s gonna be shitty. 

Im reminded of so much positive and so much i am grateful for… but it hurts my heart to be reminded how it was filled up and drained again and again. 

Maybe im making a big mistake… 

But i dont think so. I think i just hate knowing someone i love is suffering and i could do something about it… but ive come to recognize it wont benefit them.