Turning

 

29/22 and 1/3/23

It is nearing the end of the year. I have a lot to reflect on.

This year has been tumultuous, inspiring, frustrating, traumatizing, hopeful, draining, difficult and unbalanced. I feel like the year is ending on a mixed note. This morning I was looking up enneagram type 9 w1, which is what I am pretty sure I am. I was looking specifically at the judgmental part -as I spent the better part of the night (when I should have been sleeping) feeling self-righteous and angry, trying to maintain the balance between hospitable (outward peace) and sane – (inward peace).

I found myself drained and crabby, but we were hosting E’s parents -who of course invited themselves to stay with us, and who also trigger the shit out of her. Not to mention she didn’t have any Adderrall this week, and we had a fight right before they showed up which we didn’t have a chance to repair.  We have a tiny place not suitable for multiple house guests, but her family doesn’t have boundaries like that… so overall -I felt imposed upon. E needed reassurance and I wasn’t really able to provide it.

I found myself in control mode: make sure everything goes well, deal with your feelings later. E kept asking me why I didn’t want to go to the guest bedroom to sleep on the twin bed, and I knew on some level it was because it scared me to let go. Because I didn’t feel I could be in control of myself, and that I would have to face my feelings if I went in there -with or without her.

So instead I spent 3-4 hours thinking/processing on the couch with her a few feet away struggling to sleep as well. It was hot, there are a lot of noises, there is the cat. But in general I was lost in my frustration.

I went from the judgmental/self righteous to the more open and giving, but I couldn’t always maintain that stance. My open heart is longing for armor. An hour spent on the imposition, the boundary violations, the psychology of it. An hour spent on the way I am forced into roles I did not choose, taking on emotions that are not necessarily mine, awkwardness and overwhelm, that I am some how attached to but did not bargain for.  An hour spent flipping the script on myself -why do I choose this? What is this doing for me? Why am I being judgmental etc., what is going on that I am so triggered? Where is my attachment and how do I reframe what is happening so that it feels less a burden and more a choice? An hour spent deep breathing, settling my heart, acknowledging the judgments are mine, my fears, my delusions, my ego and grandiosity at believing I have control and should have control over the universe, over her, over her family. Instead, asking for support from G-d, from the earth from the universe. Asking for opening and understanding -rather than pushing away.

 At some point in the 4+ hours I reached for her hand, and it felt good. Then she placed a second hand on mine and I wanted to pull away. Too much enmeshment. I want not to be lost in this.

At another point I breathed into my heart and found it was not as angry and hurt and frustrated as I believed it to be. Just afraid.

At another point I found myself realizing that my intellectualism is such a passion (?), that I place it above the other parts of me. I rationalize and justify. I get lost in the pursuit of thought/knowing and forget to look within, and certainly forget to cherish the gifts of others (setting myself above them).

Now I find myself at odds within myself. I think these things can be true and also that there can be boundaries and goals. Maybe my expectations are too rigid, or too high, but I don’t want to lose them completely. So how to find balance in an unbalanced world, and unbalanced system, an imbalanced self?

Relationships are difficult. Merging families and stories. Deciding on shared goals. Getting lost. Trying to support your relationship when you don’t feel capable. 

My ideals and expectations versus reality -

At the beginning of this year I saw some hope. I was planning on leaving my job and dreaming of future travels. I was seeing a therapist. And a friend a week. I was growing closer to E at work. I liked her charm, how she put her heart into everything, how she cared deeply, how she challenged inequity. I was wary of other things and still am. I had told her we shouldn’t be close because I had a desire to care for her. We began talking about Brene Brown and our values in work and life. And then decided to do a book club, that became a date, that became another date.

In such a short amount of time, she became center to my world.

It certainly wasn’t expected. I should acknowledge that all of my relationships seem to rush forward, but within a few months she was pregnant. We were tag teaming on some difficult situations at work, and the combination of expansion and overwhelm led to feeling close quickly. She had a dog at the beginning, and slowly recognized that he was too much to take care of and build a life. Things with work  kept getting worse. Suddenly we were spending each week at the hospital waiting to find out if the embryo was viable… uncertainty upon uncertainty. We grew closer through the push pull. Then it was becoming summer and I was close to leaving work. She lived with her sister and needed to prepare to leave the house because her mom wanted to sell it. I was ready to leave my apartment. We planned to move in together. We found a place, it felt like overnight we had secured a new home and time. And then we had to pack. Then we were moving. Then I was done with work. Then I was out of the country.

Late summer/fall: When I was back -we had to reconcile what living together really meant. How do we merge lives when we aren’t working together. I got a job quickly, but didn’t start for over a month, so my days were filled with sitting around while she stuck it out as long as she could retraumatizing herself at work. The last few weeks I could barely recognize her beyond the burnout. Then she was done, and suddenly it felt like she was back. We went to a wedding. I got invested in my job. We started having the kids stay over once a month. We hung out with each other’s families for little get togethers and then holidays. She started taking care of herself physically and emotionally. From what I could tell, she spent most of the day arranging and rearranging our apartment. At night I always cook dinner. We watch a lot of television together and shared podcasts and tiktoks. She got sort of stuck. We had to start having difficult conversations about stuff other than trauma and work; about money, about family, about future. Its all short sound bites in hindsight, but the ups and downs, the back and forth the certainty and uncertainty. Each episode could be a chapter in a book, but instead a sentence fragment. How did we get this far -given that we are so different -how has our life together come to be such a comforting routine.  

In a year she has gone from a coworker to my best friend and the person I look forward to seeing the most. And she wonders why I don’t rely on that as I predict the future, and instead worry about what could go wrong. Why not stay grounded in the feeling of hope, when prior I had so little?  And all I can say is experience and anxiety.

Its funny. I think about things like how the last few years I have felt so little engagement in the parts of my life outside of work. And how her mere presence makes life feel more exciting, easier. The future easier. But I am wary of discomfort and hardship… I like to plan things out, have back up plans, have a safety net, and she lives her life very nonchalant and impulsively at times and it scares me. Not all the time, but when it seems contrary to her stated goals or my stated desires…  I suppose.

Its not that I am not grateful for these traits as well, E is all heart and reminds me to check in with myself, my feelings, to listen deeper rather than rationalize every little thing. She invites me to shed my shame and self-judgment. She is very validating and her openness to vulnerability is inspiring. Its just hard to watch the backhalf, how these same traits get her into trouble.  I want to learn from her and lend her my forethought, but she isn’t always interested and often my reactions come off as judgmental.

The thing is I don’t actually want all the answers. I want to keep exploring with her. I know that we might fall off an edge somewhere some time, but I am not of the mind to run, its just that I have knowledge of what can go wrong.

Last night (new years eve) I scared her by acknowledging the truth which is she is ‘In’ more than I am. It isn’t because I am not in, I am certainly not planning on being out. I am just aware of things she hasn’t thought through. My wariness frightens her. She spent the day away. I miss her, but I am also glad she had some time away from me. That being said, by the end of the day I was reflecting about the time M and I had an argument and spent the day away from each other. How I returned ready to redouble my efforts, and how she responded that she had grieved our relationship and wasn’t sure. I assured her. I reassured her. But it turned out I was wrong. She was already falling for someone else, and my footnote in her story (if that) was written off. I spent the next couple years angry at her and myself, for jumping in too soon too much.

E would ask why I was comparing.   But does my heart know the difference between all these efforts to love?

I now write M off too quickly, I dwell on her narcistic traits instead of reminding myself that she isn’t all that. I grieve dreams that I had still, even while I forget the children’s names. Life is very weird this way.

It does as it will, but I am still obsessed with my little desire to control the course of this river.

 

Employment

This morning I decided that I need to make an alteration to my work situation. It should result in slightly more pay and more stability in my paychecks. Its odd to be beginning this journey and already seeing the downsides, but I am glad that I am seeing them and adjusting.

I am enjoying work. I started this position in late September and have already “ramped up.” In general I have 1-2 intakes a week because several of my clients have dropped off the radar or are switching to every other week. The positive of that is that I have more variety in my schedule and don’t get bored. The negative is that I am more stressed, constantly adding another person’s story to my already crowded mind.

I have clients aged 14-64. I have Clients with mental and physical health conditions. I have clients of different races, ethnicities, sexualities, genders, socioeconomic status, religious backgrounds. I have teens and couples. It is a good mix, but it can be draining. Some clients are dealing with normal stage of life issues (What do I do with myself now that I am retiring? What do I do with myself now that I am expected to be a grown up?). Other clients are working through complex trauma, struggling with communication issues, having difficulty getting out of bed or getting to work. Shame and guilt are ever present. So is grief and longing. So many people with unmet expectations, I dreamed a dream in time gone by…

And time goes by.

I find myself comparing the stories I hear at work frequently with my own life and relationships… the same mistakes, the same quandaries. I feel guilty for not texting friends back. I feel guilty for not knowing what to say.  I make the same missteps again and again. When I watch couple fall into these same traps I wish they could just see what they are doing and take a different step… but I make that step without seeing it as well. Its humbling. It also makes me happy to know that there are conversations I have had with E that some couples who have been together 20 years haven’t even broached. A good sign?

 

The day to day as we begin 2023;

I initially started writing this a few days ago, now I am at Spyhouse -trying I suppose to live out my old habits. I can’t necessarily concentrate on the things I thought I would write about. I have chopped up and edited the two days of writing, so perhaps they are different tones.

I don’t leave the house as much as I used to. No need to seek out social life when you’re happy nesting with a partner… but I think that needs to change for the sustainability. Beyond the relationship and feeling pretty secure- or on the right track with work, not much has changed except that I don’t see my friends very often anymore. I still walk with my Dad once a week when he is available.

I spend a lot of time with E’s  cat.

I play computer games about once a week. I rarely write, but I do continue to read books (both for work and fun). I don’t watch 4 hours of youtube, instead we watch an hour or two of tv/movies each night.

I make food more often with E around, but I am grateful every time she wants takeout.

Lately I find myself distracting too often. E introduced me to pokemon go, but I also have been playing games on my phone and computer games on the weekend. I probably need to be reading more, meditating more, grounding more, journaling more (difference in tone, no?). Seeing my friends. Investing in the future. I find it difficult to have the energy at the end of a long day (9 hours at work). I should probably start going out for lunch just to give myself a break, or to see friends if they have the hour open. I have to get into the sustainability mindset, not the beginner rush rush rush to get it done mindset. I have found it difficult to balance. I know I am not getting enough exercise or eating well. I know I am not paying enough attention to the spirit, though I ask for help every day in my work. I need to practice more meditation… more appreciation.  But there are tasks to get done and shows to watch.

How do I imbody abundance?  How do I connect with the ground-the sky? How do I remind myself that we are a blip in time. That my momentary attachments to ‘how it should or could be’ are not necessarily the path of the universe. That there are no wrong choices, as everything is a fork pronged to demonstrate the limitless creative power of G-d. How do I embrace love and vulnerability, rather than being driven by fear. How do I remind myself a thousand times a moment… and also accept that I won’t, can’t, and that that is also ok.  Human after all, beautiful none the less.

Maybe I shouldn’t judge everything based off the difficulties of the holiday season. I am wondering when the light at the end of the tunnel will be. The holidays went well… but with an underlying tension -and it broke through after the holidays were over. I don’t necessarily think its bad. I just think we have been borrowing time, and now we have to start engaging in life beyond the apartment.

I’d like to start going to the UU church again, but E wants something else. I’d like to meditate and get rid of about half our junk… The office feels cramped all the time. Its hard to have two people’s lives merged into one space. The bedroom feels nice. More open. The living room and dining room alternate between functional and crowded.

 

I guess more later?