I’ve been working over time at my job for several months, I am supposed to have about 25 clients a week, but I’ve been averaging 29 plus 2 supervision sessions, plus 2-3 consults. It’s taken a toll in that I haven’t seen much of my friends or family.
We (E and I) skipped thanksgiving to get some time to rest and rediscover who we are, so I guess we have to put more effort into Christmas. Christmas is always kind of hard for me… too many expectations, too much disappointment, too much nervous system chatter. The desire to connect to be seen, but the recognition of having to play a role because everyone is pretending it’s ok… but things aren’t ok, you know?
I am taking next week off. A rare thing for me in this job, but a thing I should probably be doing more often. At least a day here or there…
I have so many clients I’m worried about, that it’s hard to think of them alone this week. Not necessarily that I am worried they will suicide, though I am worried, but more that I know they will feel alone… and that sucks.
This week, reminding them I won’t see them till the new year… a few hesitations.
I went to therapy tonight and did brainspotting for the second time. Both times I guess I am super susceptible, because I just launched into it. This time I tried to focus on the memory of my dad finding out his mom was dying… E reminds me he was feeling anguish/despair… I remember him on the phone, I was 4 or 5 and he was across the room and he was holding himself upright… and I wanted to hug him, but I was afraid of his sadness and scared, and felt helpless. I was stuck in the doorway. I don’t know if that’s what actually happened, but that is how I remember it, and how it felt in my body all these years. Watching my dad fall apart on Christmas and knowing that the world wasn’t always ok.
In the brainspotting I chased the feeling of being helpless, reluctantly, to be honest, I wanted to look away, but I was encouraged to follow to be curious to sit with… and so I noticed it, and noticed myself closing in, my hands pressing together, my shoulders crouching, my tight frame, my armoring… and I sat with it, then pulled away… then went back… and eventually the armoring lifted… I opened up to the feeling and the helplessness vanished… my little body could move again… and I could sit with the sadness and be compassionate. I wanted to hug him, and I could. I wanted to hug myself and let little me know it was ok… and I could. There wasn’t the freezeframe anymore… I had movement and freedom.
I found myself a few moments later armoring again. Sitting with the present and my need to be armored around my family. We discussed it for a half hour. Concluded I needed to sit with it, do some mindfulness prior to seeing them, notice that it’s ok when I arrive and gradually let go throughout the course of the experience.
I’d like to some day not be a grouch at Christmas… but I’m not quite there yet.
I found out M’s bio dad died. A hurt in the heart for a man I never knew. For a woman I haven’t spoken to in years, and who I don’t plan to ever again. And still, there was love and wonder and curiosity and compassion once, and so it remains. I said a little prayer as I often do, for the folks in my heart and in their hearts. It made me wonder about all the news I do not have, the other heart aches and joys… how out of touch I am.
What will I do with this time off? To remind myself I am bigger than my job? To connect myself to something more intimate, to be vulnerable and open?
I don’t know yet. Maybe I’ll keep isolating, or maybe reach out. Maybe create. Or maybe just exist. I dunno
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