Jan 1st

 It’s the end of the break, and the beginning of the new year. Sort of an artificial thing, but doesn’t keep us from reflection right? Maybe, makes it easier. 

Today was a weird hard day for no reason. 

I went to bed last night thinking I should probably erase some of my social media and games and what not, so that I could live a more present oriented  life. 

I had downloaded one of those super addicting games and spent a lot of time on it last night. The little drops of my attention getting sucked into the vacuum of this completely make believe - totally insubstantial thing. It gives hits of pleasure, enough that I considered making purchases so I wouldn’t have to wait for the little timers…

I’m sure we have all played these types of games. There are little mini games to play in between the larger theme, and sometimes you can’t remember which game you are actually intending to play. 

It’s a different sort of time waste than other things, with Tetris I know I’m organizing my mind. With word games I know I am utilizing my mind, with the computer games I am learning and thinking about history and what not… but with this artificial town, and its artificial economy, and its artificial timers and rewards… I’m just sucked into a nothingness… I suppose you could make the argument that having to keep all the little things in mind and return to them could be a type of memory or concentration building tool… but at the end of the day I have not accomplished my actual life goals and how many hours did I spend tapping away at the void?   And why do I feel drained, and anxious and on edge? 

I suppose there are other reasons too.  E’s stuff triggering my stuff triggering her stuff and so forth. 

She woke up this morning, felt sick, projectile vomited all over the room and it still smells cuz we don’t know where it all went. She hasn’t thrown up since but still felt sick all day and rested rather than pushing herself. Which is the healthy thing to do, except of course she has some deadlines that sound very serious. And it puts me into my trauma response. 

And so I did all the household work, and my work, and mostly just sat on my phone avoiding life today. I think it was because I was frustrated with her, with life, with the way I overwork and take care of things… and still don’t get ahead. 

I had some minor tasks I didn’t get done for work that I have been putting off, and it feels bad. I also took time off specifically to take time off… and up until the last few days didn’t feel bad about it at all. I did accomplish laundry, dishes, meals, and taking out the garbage and recycling. I also did some cleaning though it still smells. Lysol the whole mess. 

I get into this headspace where I worry that if I don’t do things, they won’t get done. In this space, I neglect to notice all the things other have done, or continue to do for me. I get self righteous and afraid. I try very hard to stay even minded, but I’m scared and frustrated… I worry that I won’t get to feel safe or get to do the things I want to do because I’ll be making up for others. In some cases this has been my genuine experience, and it’s hard because I know I have allowed it to happen and then become resentful.  In other cases, I think I envy not having to worry about it, because these things are always on my mind. My faith and values say that I should be able to roll with it, allow it to come, experience it, recognize that what I worried wasn’t the outcome and then let go of these worries… but that’s hard when the pattern repeats…  it would be nice to say come storm, rain down on my parade, I invite you. But I don’t think I’m that zen yet.  

I overbooked myself tomorrow. 8 clients and a supervisee. It’s gonna be a long tough day, and I don’t think I’ll have anything left.   Most of these clients are fairly easy to deal with, mostly enjoyable. But I have some worries… of course I do. Worry that I won’t be enough, worry that I would be able to support them, that I will lose steam and hurt them in someway. Enneagram 2 qualities?   I am not grounded, I’m not connected, and I think that throws me off quite a bit. The rest of the week is more average, but starting with this many clients is probably a recipe for disaster that I will be making up for next weekend and so on.  It never ends.   

That’s kind of the thing I’ve been thinking about lately, enjoy the process because it never ends… it’s all process, not end result. 

I wrote a text to Pete last night mentioning something like that.  I’ve been very out of touch with everyone. Not really a life… 

If I were able to balance better, like maybe 25 clients instead of 30 each week. Maybe that would be better… but there are still always hard situations, and I need something outside of work to be passionate about. 

Normally I’m pretty invested in my relationship, but this weekend it’s been more like trying not to caretake/control/worry/be frustrated. 

Anyway… I thought I would write because I couldn’t get myself to do more work, and also felt wound up from that stupid game… which I deleted so that I wouldn’t be jumping back to it between sessions at work. 

I dunno… I feel like maybe not all of this is my stuff to hold, but it impacts me, so where is the line?