March

 It’s been the warmest winter on record, barely a few days of snow and if I had to guess none that lasted more than a week.   It’s 69 degrees in Minneapolis right now. I am sure this means drought this summer, and though we will probably all be fine, I am sure that means famine across the globe. It’s staring us in the face, but I am drinking Keurig coffee and about to fly to Arizona in a week, where it is also 69 degrees today. Odd. 

Yesterday I went for a long walk with Rachel and both my feet still hurt. Not sure if it’s the padding in my shoes or something else, but it feels awful. Kept me up last night. Eventually I took Advil and used biofreeze. Maybe this is the beginning of the decay from the bottom up? 

Medical issues have not been surrounding me, though I do have a weird cough and difficulty swallowing some times. (Decay from the top down).   E on the other hand has had a resurgence of her eye condition.  Hopefully it gets better now that she is on meds. The whole ordeal has been terrible. Also she is going down on Effexor each month and the withdrawal is noticeable, perhaps just the underlying trauma/anxiety finally coming out.  Work has been hard for her - more burnout at a job. 

We are going to Arizona to see here dad and grandparents. Not sure what the plan is really, but we will talk about it later. I’m sure there will be a lot of just hanging out, but I also hope to explore if my feet aren’t killing me. I’m not a big drinker.  E wants to talk with her dad about things. Could be a great time, could be very hard. Either way, I am glad we are going. Hopefully nothing medical happens. (Knock on wood, and cross fingers). 

My company is being bought out by a major healthcare/insurance company. I’m not a fan of the arrangement, but at the same time maybe it will mean better benefits and what not. Or a push into private practice… I will be done supervising in May. I am glad to get back to the more simple task of dealing with clients only.  It’s not where I want to put my energy right now. Holding the weight of it… is definitely not how I want to spend my time. Kind of like being the testing coordinator at my teaching job. Yuckers. 

Work has been good for the most part. Finally slowing down after a quarter or two of pushing myself and being above quota every week. Now I’m around where it’s supposed to be, and I have time during the day to be present or rest, or get paperwork done so I’m not spending every night doing it. The idea of private practice sounds nice if someone else did all the legwork. 

Spirit and heart.

Lately I’ve been struggling with uncertainty at times. I feel like it comes on as nervousness and stays on as a lingering doubt. Mostly this just has to do with the future, but even in the present it might disrupt my confidence in doing work, or attending to tasks.  It’s weird.  It’s sort of the ‘do I know what I’m doing?’ Thought. I’d prefer to fall back into trust in G-d or the universe, to have that constant faith and belief that things will be ok… but I don’t have it all the time. Sometimes when it is absent, it’s because I’m avoiding or distracting… too much time on Instagram or playing games. Sometimes it’s because I feel overwhelmed, or a lack of energy… for instance I need to buy a car. But it is a lot easier to just walk to work and figure it out as I go. One time I’ve had to pay for an Uber, but mostly I rely on rides from E, or borrowing her car. $30 for one Uber, versus insurance and gas for the last 3 months… plus it forces me to exercise a little. 

But the real thing is, when would I have time to buy a car? Am I ready for the paperwork and the right questions?  I gotta put myself into that spot. And I have had other priorities.  I think I’m gonna make a goal of buying one by the end of the month… so April I will have a car again. Maybe. Not having a car also makes it easier to avoid other tasks like getting my passport renewed and what not. 

I get done what is easy to get done, and I like a simple life.  

A few weeks ago I was having all these dreams about my exes. It was odd. I felt just as much love for them as I had in years past. I felt my heart on the line in all these strange ways… but the majority of the time, I don’t feel that way in my waking life. I have love for them, and pray for them, but I don’t necessarily miss them or long for them, or want to integrate them into my life like I did years ago. Time has passed and though I know I care for people deeply and continue to think about them, I am mostly content, satisfied, ok with time and distance.  So it was odd to have these dreams, accessing places in my heart I’ve not felt in a while. It made me curious about what they are up to. Made me wonder briefly if some like transformation would occur. 

How strange time is… how little we can predict… how momentum carries us. Rachel asked me about where I see myself on 10 years, at 50…  if I have kids, I’ll be a crabby exhausted old man… but happier for it - presumably.  If I don’t,  travel? A private business? Teaching?  I don’t know. 

But will be regretful… I don’t think so. Will I be resentful of others… I don’t think so. Will I be grateful for the opportunities and the challenges and the beauty of it all… I am pretty sure I will be.  I am now. I may not always be in the present moment, or inspired and awed… but on the whole, I feel optimistic that life will be ups and downs… and that I can enjoy and find gratitude and even peace in it. 

The other day a client mentioned the grief of a dead cat.  It made me so aware of the losses and the moments that felt unbearable and the fact that I have… will continue to do so. That this too shall pass… and flow on.    Love and loss, and love and loss… and I feel very honored to be a part of people’s journeys for the time the universe thrusts us together. And also very aware that I have little control over the turns when they come. Just that I can find a way to cope… to trust… to be open to the experience and learn, and grow.     I guess that’s what I wanted to say.   And also that I love you.